Futures End: Birds of Prey #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Memember back in da Formertimes alla dem actiony bang-bang flicks everduster spent big koku on? How dey was filt up mit splosions und gunfires? How dem action star almays seemed ta outsrun hunnered 'pon hunnerd a bullets shootered at him by dozens 'pon dozens of badbads? Und how dis here action protagonist ne'er seemt ta git not one fuckity bullet frough not one fuckity internal organ? Knows it now, we alla us does, how dumb dumb silly alla dat was. Sure, sure, we'd knowed it back den too, all upins our hearts an all. But now we's got proof a how dumb dumb dat shit were ever fucking minute, ja? Youse hear bunchas a gunfire, youse know someduster bleedin' all over hisself. Mayhap, on occasion, da vickim ain't git hit. But sure as shit some poor fucker gonna catch a bullet! Nows, not everduster shot frough gonna die, sees it? But ya know dey gonna fuckin' git shot! Dey ain't runnin' round walls und hoppin' ahind overturned tables and dodgin up y dodgin down and crashin' frough windows und feelin' jess fines enuff ta turn round, fires off one well-aimed shot, und kill fifeen men mit a crazy ricochet. Now ya hear gunfires und ya run straight away mitout lookin' back prayin' ya brain don't suddenly go soft on ya. And splosions? Fucking merde. You realize how hard it is ta make a fucking car go boom mitout explosives? Course, once somefin do splode, it ain't da shrapnel nor da shockwaves gonna do nuffin ta noduster. It dat fire gonna git outta control acause who fuckin' gonna be a hero an tryin' ta put it out, feels me?

Nuvver fing dat we thunked 'bout in da Formertimes was how da world gonna ends, ja? Nukular war. Pandanomics. Zombies. Bioterrorshow. Not a nightscare we couldna dream up finkin' bout how dis here world gonna corpse it. Und den what da fuck goes und happens? Big surprise ta alla us, yeah? Dat fing we nows refer ta as da General Breakdown. Simple as all dat. Enuff peeps acided dey damn tired a followin' dem laws put forth by dem egotistical sons bitches runnin' fings und dey said, "Nope." Jess 'nuff peeps had to say "Nope" und it jess fuckin' fell apart. Sum poets once fink how da world gonna end, sees it? Fires? Ices? Ha, little he knowed it, right? World gonna end in "nope."

Course nows wes gotsta lissen ta all dem fuckin' whiny dusters what almays sayin' how da revolverlution gonna suck big fuckin' cocks cause noduster got a plan affer it all come crumblin' down. Well, la-dee-fuckity-dee, dey was rights, ja? Jess look how happy does fuckers are now, sees it? "I knew it would be worse!" as dey push der fuckity accountant glasses up dere piggity fuckin' noses. "Snort snort snort. I was right. Snort snort snort." Fuck dem fuckers. Glad dey git a shiv in da kidney evertime dey speaks up.

Fucks you, ya lying narration boxy!

Dis here bullshit. Time ain't fucking mutable, no ways. Da onny fuckin' time what matters am da present. Forget da past acause it ain't got nuttin' in it fer ya. It be like a bottomless ocean what ya keep fucking droppin' ya shit inta dat ya cain't never gonna git back. And da future ain't no fuckin' infinite branches. Speckalation on da future gots infinite branches, sees it? I cans sits here und fink, "Goddess, I amma gonna git me a BMW tomorrows, ya bets it! No, no! Mayhaps I'm gonna git me two Lotusers, sees it? Pay some lower voices ta crash 'em up head ons whilst Goggs watches und sips somma dat fuckin' midori sours she finded in dis here limo, sees it? No waits! Mayhaps Old Goggs jess gonna find some cute little fucker mit a big fat cock and ride dat fing til she sore. Oh yeah! Dat da future gonna happens!" Sees it? Looks like Goggs got lottalotta choices, ja? But guess whats? Come dis time amorrow, onny one dem fings gonna haff happened. Und it pobably be somefing altogetter diff'rent, evens. Cause da future ain't some future where ever single fing possible be happenin'. Da future jess more fucking ocean what we haven't seens yet but we gonna see it soon and we gonna lose more shit in it. Ever single day, lose more shit, right updown til da day ya jess sink yoself right down ta da fucking bottom where noduster never gonna pay ya anudder fought ever 'gain. Fucking infinite branches, my cunt. Grow da fuck up.

Gute un. Now ya jess invented somefing ya enemies gonna use 'gainst ya, dumb dumb.

Black Canary done put togevver dis here "Red League" (named affer moonstration, positive) for ta bring down some bigbig badbad named Paul Howe III. She spent minutes tryin' find dis one so dis Red League cans "cut off the head of the snake." Da problem mit dat is dat it be a faulty analogy. Big crime orgnazations do not crumble y disintegrate jess acause one man taken down, believes. She wanna break dis crime family, she gonna haff ta take away ever reason dey exist. Burn da money, destructem da drugs, steal da weapons...whateverem. Or she can chop up dat entire snake, fer sure. But jess da head ain't gonna do it. Evil orgnazations more like dat hydra monster what grow back head affer head affer head. Memember da onny way ta deal mit dat fing? Burn da fucker.

Affer Canary und her girls drive dere prey ta suicide, dey runs off ta da nex' city ta clean it, feels it? Dey gonna fix everplace up ones at a times, ja? Horsedick. Ya gotta cleanse 'em all, synchronized, sees? Takes 'em alls out at da same time. Steal dere workers. Burn dere homes. Make dere cities unlivable. Ya gotsta burn it all down und start over somewheres else. Somewhere dat dey ain't eyeballin' fer riches und power and control. Acause ya cain't be a part a dere system or ya jess bolsterin' dem bastards up und givin' em what dey wants. Ya gotsta starts over, sees it? Everting gotsta start agains from scratches. Dey got dere hooks in ya ovverwise. Dey wants ya ta value dere koku und dere culture und dere places ta live. Fuck alla dat. Fuck it right in da eye sockets. Old Goggs gots a better way. But ya gonna haff ta give up lots and lots ta haff a chance at it. Keep lissenin, lower voices cross all da boundaries. Old Goggs knows hunnerts y hunnerts of dust free places, jess like paradise. Ya want 'em? Come und get 'em, sees?

Goddess keeps ya, for nows.