Futures End: Earth 2 #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs here hopin' ya found dis heres broadcast easy nuff what mit all dat radio interference dis heres week due to dem blowned up scumbag Resurrectionists makin' a play for ya ears. Dey be floodin' dem sound pipes mit der boastin' of da comin' zombie pocaloops, ja? So much sos dat HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! hardly been able ta squeezem out dis here broadcast. But alls ya alls Scanners got the knows hows and the techknowhow ta squeeze yers ways through their aural barrage, fer sure. And even if'n ya gits somma dat zombie gobbledygarbage leakin' tru ta dis broadscast, ya jess never pay it no heedmind no ways, digs? Cause I gots it on good thority, dem zombies ain't not nothin' but fuckin' bullshits, ya gets me? It be da person tellin' you da zombies gonna git ya dat you better shoot in da fuckin' head, ja?

Anydust, if'n we cans keep da corpse prattle to a minimum, Old Goggs has gots a new littyrature piece fors ya. Takens its place off on dat Earf 2, sees it? Dats da Earf what gots Queen Lantern what represents dem Feminystical ideas bout Mutter Earf and Moonstration Powers and straddlin' dem good old ley lines uptil you overflow mit dat feminystical power and can't takes no mores. Dis Formertime comic also got Hawkcop that be representin laws and orders which everbody now knows, course, dat dere ain't nuttin' for nobody goin' down dat road but deaf and destructem and horrible depressing Dusty Stretches. Den wes gots Tornado Lane. She seemin' ta be a Femignostic, cause she usin' up her individuem powers ta help ovver peeps and forgettin' that da purpose of da Secret is to get The Real to give up da goods. But she be usin' it to raise ovver peeps up out of misery and heartsache. I forgets me dem ovver charactems, so let's dig up in dis fing and sees whats it all abouts, ja?

This'm here be Mister Terrific. Lookin like he be dealin in stolen Skeets techknowhow.

Dis here issue be callin' itself, "Power to the People." Har! Ain't that a good fuckin' trick, jein? Peeps can't handle any moreso powers den da powers ta help demselfs. Given dem power to da peeps jess askin' fer Dusty Stretches, sees it? Course, given power to dem dat wants it getted us into dis here Dusty Stretches too, sos whatevems. Watches only your own backs da only power one needem, nowtimes anydust. Youse begins by trustin' someun else, youse a'eady halfpart corpse, feels?

Dese peeps from Earf 2 now livin' on New Earf where da New Earfers don't wants 'em, ja? Dat be cause dey doubles a dem what a'eady live heres. So dese Twofers from Earf 2, dey gots like mad racism all ons 'em, days up and days down. And dats jess da normal Twofers. Dem Wonder Twofers? Dems all been puts in captivitation alls out on Cadmus Island.

Speakin' on dat captivitation, some days gone, Old Goggs was all up in da Lightning Dome down in HerNocenti's Undergroundertown. Dey caught up in der pig sewers some infiltractors and done schedulem ta fight in Lightning Dome, sees it? And Old Goggs can allwaystimes use steeping piles of dem koku, so I signdered my Herbie ta da waiver and gots me a gig as one of dem nineteen, feels? Lots and lots of underworked lookin for dem koku, so's I be only able to partakipate in one of dem fights even dough dere been six matches all up in one weeksend. As youse cans hears, Old Goggs survivered but didn't make scads of dem koku. Old Goggs didn't even wound dat dere single opponents what mit all the crazy fuckfucks in da dome. Old Goggs ain't never seen more den one a da nineteens git corpsed during a match but dis nights, whoo boys, dese fuckers was desperate for dem kokus, I tells it. Three dead from da nineteens kilt dead by others of the nineteen cause dey weres so desperate ta make da killin' thrust, ja? Old Goggs jess membered bout dat discretion Old Prof used ta go on bouts and hunged back and outta da way. Stills, pockets the minimums for a match, Old Goggs did, and dat ain't not much to snickereeze at, feels?

Mister Terrific now bein' fourth smartest man on Earf?

Him what bein' an Apeist, Mister Terrific hidems out in a church of da Way of the Liard, hopin' dem smartest men don't fink ta look for him inna Beth of El, ja? Good fink he ain't in dese Dusty Stretches, dis Mister Terrific, acause dem Beths of El ain't not a place for no one dese days. Dems filt mit da Living Deads, dem gangs what fink deys be undying, forever and alwaysbeen. Most of 'em jess full of psychotech, sees? Dat dem bits and pieces of computers what been surgically grafitated to 'em and what be fueled by da irons in human bloods. Old Goggs ain't never seen one but I hears da urbans, ja? And Old Prof never what gave me a red on dere trufiness, ja? So does dem Living Deads existem? Jein, jein. Old Goggs ain't gonna go all Woodstain and Burnwords ta find outs, feels?

Dems Terry Sloans strikem up a deal mit Mister Terrific for his Boom Tube Sphere techknowhow. Dese fings seem ta have da nicksname of God Killer but dem Sloans ain't gonna use dem cause one of dem Sloans is corpseded by da uvver one and Mister Terrific sinks dem God Killer Balls into da Earf. Den he figures it out, being fourth or fift smartest, dat Terry Sloan ain't an Earfer or a Twofer. He's prossibly a Threefer, ja? Anydust, Sloan runs the coward race and Mister Terrific takems back his own lifes as an Apeist Crapitalist producer of Techknowhow.

Old Goggs been doin' da finking, see, and dis is how sh--ZZZZZAAAAACKKKKKKTTTTTTTT--bies will soon take over the streets of your neighborhood. They're already lurking in the depths of your neighbor's houses, pretending to be part of your community, watching reruns, eating meatloaf, raising their zombie children. Every other person on your block is a zombie, remember that. Even if they look human to you now, they are a threat. In the future, they will not hesitate to tear out your throat. Is that how you want to die? Bleeding out on your neighbor's well-manicured lawn because you failed to put a bullet in his brain before he could threaten you and yours? Is that the last thought you want to have as your blood feeds his pride and joy? That for want of a little initiative, for want of taking matter into your own hands, for want of a slightly morbid precognitive act, you are now dead. And with your death comes the death of your family. You do not want their deaths on your hands, do you, zombie? Take control of your neighborhood now. NOW! Do it! You have the weapons. You have the ammunition. But do you have the guts?! We, and God, hope that you do.

This message has been brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Please stay tuned for a repeat of the prev--ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKKKKKKKTTTTTT.