Star Spangled War Stories #2

Why waste a parachute on GI Zombie?

I don't remember how old I was when I first saw Night of the Living Dead but I was born in 1971 and I'm sure I'd seen it before 1980 came along. I probably saw it on Creature Features some late Saturday Night. The main thing I remember was being blown away by the ending which I'm going to spoil right now because the movie is about two hundred years old. I don't think I'd ever seen a movie end so tragically. It was shocking to see that the main character had survived the zombie assault only to be shot in the face by law enforcement and their zombie clean up posse. The whole racial thing and the images at the end that evoke the violence against civil rights protestors wouldn't have meant anything to me. It took a long time for the culture and mass media to break me down to the point that I realized people looked different from each other; they all weren't just the same, vague blob of fog with eyes that I constantly refused to meet. I know there have been other movies that don't end tidily or happily ever after but Romero seemed to have started more than just the Modern Zombie Genre with Night of the Living Dead. He created the genre of no matter what you do, the grave is your only reward. Life is just a struggle against the hook but eventually you're going to be reeled in, cut open, eviscerated, deboned, battered, and eaten. But that's kind of what makes zombie movies important. You know the fate of every character in the movie from the outset. They're all fucking doomed. But the struggle is what's important, and how the characters treat each other. We actually cheer the zombies when they tear out the throat of that manipulative asshole that's not working with the others. Fuck that guy, right?!

Anyway, I don't see zombies wearing thin on the public mind any time soon. We already had that zombie romance film with the kid from About a Boy. I think we need a zombie sitcom before they're finally laid to rest by a public weary of shambling corpses.

This issue begins with Tiffany (unless it's Carmen!), the non-zombie, infiltrating the evil biker gang's secret lair. Actually, she was invited and she just walked right up to the front gate to be let in. But first she needs to be frisked!

First time with a man too! Men have asses as well! Maybe he's only been with sheep.

Oh yeah! Gravedigger is going to show up in this issue, or so I was promised by last issue. He has the best real name ever: Ulysses Hazard! I bet he's a Major!

GI Zombie remains outside the Biker Lair gathering information and/or eating brains. So far, no war stories have been told and nothing has been starred or spangled. Some ex-government agents have delivered some bio-weapons to the bikers because their boss is a careless moron. I think this might have been a story Jimmy and Justin were going to use for The Unknown Soldier but converted it into a GI Zombie story because the characters are practically interchangeable! One doesn't have a face; one eats faces. One is the living embodiment of Cain; one is the living embodiment of Abel. Okay, I don't know whether either of those last two statement are true. But I think Jimmy and Justin were building the mythology around the Unknown Soldier that the essence of Cain took over the mind of a soldier killed during war and turned that soldier into a living weapon, the epitome of war. The Mark of Cain was probably the reason for the Unknown Soldier's abilities (plus all the cyber technology they shoved up him). And now GI Zombie can be the unliving embodiment of Abel, the first person murdered! Of course he wouldn't be able to just die in peace. He'd have to forever haunt the world looking to eat the brains of The Unknown Soldier before he can rest in peace, satiated on revenge. Hopefully GI Zombie lives in the House of Secrets because it's about time that House came back after it's brief appearance in Justice League Dark and it's mention that went nowhere in All Star Western. Although it's possible the House of Secrets is being saved for The Secret Six coming in December.

Oh god. He's one of those nerds.

So GI Zombie is an engineering geek, is he? You know how every type of nerd or geek has a very specific sense of humor? So like, drama nerds are funny in that way that isn't funny at all? And engineering geeks are funny in that way that isn't very funny when you make phrases as technical as possible? And the role players who take smug satisfaction in vaguely highbrow insults? The juggling nerds who enjoy slapstick and prop comedy and pranks and just won't leave you the fuck alone no matter how many times you throw their juggling pins across the yard? And the comic book nerds who think skewering everyone to the wall and watching them wriggle in discomfort is the height of hilarity? Fucking nerds!

Obviously I was talking about nerds which is why I didn't talk about the humor of Greek organizations where everybody is a fag or a lezbo, or the humor of jocks which is pretty much just kicking somebody in the balls or tripping someone carrying a lunch tray. We've also got the humor of the masses which you can watch on CBS every whatever night they claim is the height of comedy but is basically just jokes about fat people, promiscuity, and nerds.

I also didn't mention religious humor because their humor is shit like, "Q: How many abortionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Are you crazy? You think they have electricity in Hell?!"

Let's dismantle the government and replace all the laws with whatever those idiots on Utopia come up with!

GI Zombie infiltrates the Biker Lair but soon after, the alarms go off. He kills some people in much the same way The Unknown Soldier would have killed people, except with more tearing out of throats with teeth, and less righteous moralizing. GI Zombie kills lots and lots and lots of bikers before they decide to shoot rocket propelled grenades at him. But that's when the day is saved by Ulysses Hazard!

Wait. What? "Anderson?" Hell no! That's the name of a goddamned white accountant!

I guess this is the Star Spangled War! The government against its own people. The government really needs to stop going to war against its own people, even if they're anti-government militias. The government is not an autonomous organization that must protect itself from the people. The government is supposed to bow down to the people and respect its wishes. When did we give up forcing our government to have consequences for its actions in exchange for an "I Voted!" sticker and the smug feeling of having participated in a democratic election? When those in the government have stopped listening to the people and started only listening to whatever corporation or wealthy fuck lines their pockets with cash, they've stopped being part of the government. Therefore, we, the people, no longer need to listen to any of their laws. And we certainly shouldn't be giving them tax revenue. I once heard a wise cartoon sing, "If your government doesn't give you your basic rights, you gotta get another government." Although, I was never too keen on the "getting another government" part of that line.

Have those idiots in Utopia shown us how to create a perfect community yet? I have a feeling what we're going to learn is that Utopia is just Big Brother in the woods and all the drama is going to revolve around who is fucking whom. And when they're not caught up in high school dating drama, they'll argue all the typical, bullshit issues where everybody wants everybody else to live exactly the same life they're currently living.

Somehow in all the comic book fighting, GI Zombie winds up riding on the back of a Patriot Missile. I think it's a metaphor for something! Probably sex!

Inside the missile is the bio-weapon! The Bikers are going to unleash a Super Virus called Black Ice on Washington, DC! That's a metaphor too! It's a metaphor for the Race War! Black Ice? Black Guys? And the bikers are complete white rednecks? And the only person that can end racial strife and bring harmony to the masses is GI Zombie, hero of the proletariat, and/or sex bomb!

Sex bomb!

The Bio-Weapon crashes into Sutterville, Tennessee, Population 1203. Time for a zombie apocalypse!

Star Spangled War Stories #2 Rating: No change. Hey Jimmy and Justin? Don't make GI Zombie a total mystery for the entire run of the comic book. Let me get to fucking know him so that I actually feel connected to the character. I know it's only issue two, so it's like a newborn baby, meaning there's no reason to love it yet. You've got to make me care! Show me how GI Zombie came about and why he does what he does? Does he work for the government as a hitman simply for the free food? Has he ever loved a she-zombie? Or a he-zombie, judging by the way he knew his way around mounting a missile. Let the reader inside of him! Inside of his mind, not his bowels! Show how he loves cats! And loves to eat dogs! Make him human! Um, so to speak, of course.