Aquaman #34

Just like Aquaman to hide behind a wall of fish to save his own life. How is Aquaman considered the King of the Sea? The sea life probably regard him as quite the fascist asshole.

Who wants to bet against Jeff Parker writing about Aquaman trying to stop something from eating? Because I'll take that bet and win all of your everything! I'm super adept at recognizing patterns! It's true! When I see striped wallpaper, I'll say, "Look at that wallpaper. Totally striped." And people will nod their heads and say things like, "True! True!" and "Oh yeah, I hadn't noticed that." Using my extraordinary ability, I've noticed that Jeff Parker has only been writing stories where Aquaman stops creatures from doing what all creatures must do to survive: eat. He's like the Jillian Michaels of the DC Universe.

The issue begins with Aquaman confronting the Chimera at the hospital bedside of Doctor Shin.

Being barfed on is only going to strengthen Aquaman's anti-eating convictions.

I can tell Aquaman has a guest penciller this month because I'm not happy with the art. And since I'm, slightly, criticizing an artist, people are inevitably going to say stupid nonsense like, "Let's see you draw!" As if my ability to like or dislike art rests solely in my own artistic talent! Well, guess what, dumb dumbs? I'm feeling in a charitable mood! Here's some of my art so you can determine whether or not I have the chops to tell good art from bad art from mediocre art from dog poo.

I was actually going to draw a really crappy picture of Aquaman and then realized I was too lazy to draw something, so I searched through my computer files and decided to use this picture from my children's book version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Now you can look at that picture and decide whether or not my critique ("I'm not happy with the art") of the art in Aquaman #34 has any merit or not. Or you can just go, "How am I supposed to judge anything from that?!"

After Aquaman and Chimera fall off the boat to continue fighting in the ocean, Chimera bites Aquaman! Oh no, Arthur! You'd better stop him from eating! I suppose Aquaman has a case for stopping this creature from this particular meal since Aquaman probably doesn't want to lose a hand. Again! Then Aquaman punches Chimera and says, "Bite that!" Do we have a guest writer too? Because I was not happy with that retort. Now do I have to offer up a piece of my writing to show that I'm allowed to critique other people's writing? Fine! Read this:

That was the end of all that nonsense. Ridiculous! Knowing what coulda been ten bajillion years in the past. Why’s anybody gotta know that? What good is it gonna do, all said and done? “Whoopee! Look at me! My name is Krona and now I know how the unyverse were made!” Now how is that supposed ta put food on yer table? People sayin’ they need meanin’ ta it all. I got yer meaning to it all! It’s just life! It’s harsh and it’s mean and occasionally ya git yer prick wet or yeah et a really good peach or sometimes yer horse nudges ya in the shoulder in just that playful way he does when yer gittin’ so sick and tired of it all. And that nudge is sayin’, “It’s you and me, Francis. We’s all we got and have ya got a carrot cause that’d jus’ ‘bout hit the spot right now.” And that jus’ ‘bout makes ever’thing all right agin. And ya shoulder yer pack and you pull the boots on over yer blistered feet and ya git the fuck back on the trail. Cause what the fuck else is there? Ain’t no God gonna help you git down the trail ta find yer next meal. You trust in god, yer gonna starve. Ain’t no “big bang” gonna make life any happier than you alone can make the lot ya been thrown in on anyhow. Only thing I ever learned is more learnin’ just makes more questions. And who the fuck has got the time for more of those?

It's a stop people from eating or be eaten world, Art!

I could have said it's a dog shark eat dog shark world out there, but everybody knows those are not dog sharks. Those are King Shark Sharks.

Aquaman winds up killing the sharks to save his own life (or is it just punishment for having tried to eat?) and then he feels guilty about it. But he didn't feel guilty about commanding them to risk their lives fighting for him against Chimera! They could have easily died then as well, just like when Aquaman called in those Dugongs recently to eat Swamp Thing and then die. I guess Aquaman didn't mind the Dugongs dying since they, you know, ate stuff.

Aquaman takes Chimera on land to battle. Chimera thinks he can fight just as well on land as in the sea but for how long? Chimera is composed of sea life and the most important word in that phrase is "sea." Okay, "life" is probably more important, actually. But not when sea life is suddenly stranded on land! Another important clue is that the name of this issue is called "Land and Sea." So Chimera is probably going to dehydrate like a spinning top that hasn't had breakfast.

So, how do you want to pay me on the wager? Cash? Real Estate? First born?

Chimera does the Karaquan Mindmeld on Aquaman and they merge memories for a double page splash. Speaking of mindmelds, did Spock blush and, if so, did his face turn green when he did?

I think I'm all turned around on the art! Mera looks sexy adorable here!

Aquaman defeats Chimera by blowing up half of the city. Well done, Aquaman! That may or may not be a joke about cooking Chimera to death.

Aquaman #34 Rating: No change. But wait! Before you leave, there's an epilogue! Chimera escapes because Jeff Parker doesn't want to lose royalties on a character he created! Okay, technically he didn't create this character because it's really just Creature King fancied up for the modern age. But he has a different name, so maybe Parker will get credit for it. But then again, Chimera has the same human name as Creature King. So Parker probably should have just killed Chimera.