The Flash #34

Do they all look vaguely the same because the Mashup Gang is Mob Rule or because they've been drawn by Brett Booth?

No time! No time! It's going to be five years in the future in a little over an hour! I have to speed up my commentaries!

Barry Allen, not being a detective, has a theory about the Mashup Killer and he's ready to solve the case he's not on! Detective Seborn of the Central City Police Department is most definitely, or at least highly probably, or very close to almost likely, the Mashup Killer! And Barry Allen has the evidence to make people say, "I don't know...."

Looking at the cover, all the Mashup Gang members also have gloves! And wouldn't a fucking detective know better than to make a rookie mistake like leaving fingerprints and semen all over the crime scene?

No way can Detective Seborn be the Mashup Killer. Barry, you are not the World's Greatest Detective. You are the worst greatest detective.

My apologies, The Flash! Looks like I was wrong on two counts. Seborn is the Mashup Killer and he does leave semen all over the crime scenes.

The Flash is supposed to be fast but he still manages to get hit by Detective Seborn's Cum Gun. It's not like that sticky ooze moves faster than the speed of light. Run around it, you Scarlet Stupidhead. I think he wanted to get drenched in it.

Seborn says, "You made me threaten Parker. This is all your damned fault." The Flash does not apprehend him before he finishes saying "You." If you are going to have a hero that is the fastest man in the world, please write him as if he is the fastest man in the world and not a doddering elderly porn star. Instead of catching Seborn, The Flash splashes around in the jizz and has a conversation with him. I'm going to chalk up the length of this fight to The Flash needing to save Seborn's partner from guzzling too much cum. But now that he's safe, this fight had better be over by the next page.

Seborn explains why he left his fingerprints at the scene of the crimes. It was because it was the end of the world during Forever Evil and he wasn't worried about the police catching him. So, and I'm just trying to get this straight and not at all saying anything like Venditti and Jensen are getting lazy, after Lex Luthor saved the world, the Central City police department began investigating every single crime that occurred during Forever Evil? Central City was practically destroyed and taken over by talking gorillas! Buildings were knocked down everywhere! Fires! Floods! Wholesale destruction on every block! But they meticulously dusted for fingerprints at all these locations? Seems a bit ridiculous for people not The Batman.

And let's say the fingerprints were found at the sites of the people murdered by The Mashup Killer after things were back to normal. At that point, Seborn would have known better than to leave fingerprints because his main purpose in killing his ex-crime buddies was so that they couldn't finger him (hee hee). I just don't buy it! Although after seeing the way Seborn is spraying his jizz all over the place, I will admit that he probably left some traces of DNA everywhere he went. And finding puddles of cum isn't as difficult as finding fingerprints! So I could see the Central City police investigating it and taking samples from the puddles and making smoothies for lunch. Um, after the investigation. Not with the DNA.

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it? He said "run"!

I think The Flash needs to stop slowing down so he can have conversations with the bad guys. Just run in, scoop them up, and deposit them in jail before they even know anything was happening. Every issue of The Flash should be three pages long. First page, Barry finds out about some bad guy. Second page, a big red blur. Third page, The Flash gloating at the bad guy behind bars as he eats from a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The Flash is rescued by Seborn's partner who was angry that Seborn turned into a big jerko.

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it? He said "running"! And he mentioned time!

So far, Future Flash has yet to make an appearance. Maybe that's because he needs to just appear at the end to set up the Futures End issue.

As the police clean up the crime scene, Barry and Patty clean up their relationship problems. One of the problems is that there is more DNA at the crime scene than in their relationship. Patty wants Barry to stop dating Wally West and spend more time with her. Barry agrees but first he has to see Wally one last time. Probably to break it off gently with him.

Barry takes Wally on a field trip to Iron Heights Prison to visit Daniel West, the Reverse-Flash. Wally calls Iris and Daniel Aunt and Uncle. But they didn't have any other siblings, did they? I'm confused! Who is this kid?!

Can the Speed Force be passed on to another person? Through glass even?

I guess doing the family name proud is man's work. Fuck Iris and her achievements. Although she is just a local news reporter, so, yeah, get to it, Wally.

Meanwhile Future Flash is running backwards in time saying, "Have to keep running...can't be late." How can you be late to time travel? I think too many sudden starts and stops has irreparably bruised your brain, Flash. Unless time in this comic book is like time in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. The first one, not the second one where they fuck it all up. Although, in the first one, why does Ted remember stealing his father's keys when it was Future Ted who stole them later? And did that break the rule of the clock in San Dimas always running? It's hard to say! It's fucking time travel!

Future Flash winds up five years in the future choking the crap out of Reverse Flash. He's come all this way to save Wally and then kill himself. And I guess that will finally happen in Futures End. After that, well, I have no idea where this comic book is going to go. The Flash can't keep living with the missing time he keeps experiencing or else he'll wind up as the angry blue Future Flash full of regrets. So he needs to fix the problem and erase all of this future nonsense so he can get back to ignoring Patty.

The Flash #34 Rating: No change. Funny how DC Comics began The New 52 by outlawing time travel because it just makes too much of a mess with continuity. But then they allowed DeFalco and Lobdell to base every single one of their stories on time travelers from alternate timelines because, I guess, Flashpoint hadn't occurred for the other timelines? But alternate timelines are alternate Earths, so that makes a fucking mess of the whole "52 Earths" paradigm. I guess after letting those guys completely fuck up everything, DC decided to just go whole hog and go to time travel hell already. So now we get Futures End which will somehow affect the heroes of the present, I guess? Maybe? No? It'll all just be nonsense and not matter at all? Yeah, that's probably what will happen.