Futures End: Green Lantern #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome Back, Scanners! Forgivem any fuckin' typos Goggles yer pal might typo acause my fuckin' fingers ams covered in some dem Shipper's blood. Aw now, don't be worried bouts horny fuckin' Goggles, ja? Ain't never gonna be a day no Shipper so much as lays fingers onna none 'a me lest Goggles wannem too, aight? Little randy fucker was tryin' ta get the finital copy of Green Lantern ouffa the DC Delivery Drone, get me? Last words what little Massengill ever said was somefin like, "Jorris! Jorris! Give us back Harol Jorris!," whatever da fuq dat means, sees? Flittin' weirdies.

Sos, whats da grokkolli on Hal dis monff, enh? Good ole Goggles bout ta give ya the high brow low down, sees? Cuz Goggles's into dis real literachure dat DC keep pumpin' ouffa dere offices, ja? None of that stroke bait for Goggles put out by dat HerSimone, what wit HerSimone books full of naked butts and feminystical ways, what? Na, Goggles gots da real goods heres, feels me?

Wot see wheres we left off'n mit Hal, ja? Hal been chased frough space by'm det little Black Lantern Guardian and hims team-up of corpses.

Dat still makes ya Goggles laff ta see Dan DiDio inside da comic books cause'm dat accident in the nuclear lenticulation labs.

Hal Jordan being teamed up alla wit dat Relic guy what had dat teary bout da limited emotions in da unyverse, ja? Relic ain't fuckin' never met me mom, right? She gots emotionals for years. Why ain't her feelings never run out? Always goin' on and on wit da, "Goggles, why don't you love your mother?" and "Goggles, where is my sweet, sweet cat Petpetunia?" and "Goggles, I'm hungry!" and what not.

Aw ha, Goggles jus' winding ya up, Moms! Youse knows Goggles luffs ya and woulda stopped dat rabid gang of accountants from doin' what dey done, if'n there wouldnna been so Goddessdamned many of 'em, ja? Goggles gots ta look out for old Goggles meself or poor old Goggles ain't gonna be safin' nobody nowheres nomores, ya knows?!

Hey! I tells ya 'bout dat times I come upon dem two dogs fuckin' and dese guys am standing back jus' watching and jerkin' off? Old Goggles be all, "What ya pack 'a weirdies doin', gettin' sexual gratificaction off'n watchin' dem dogs fornificate? Ain't ya guys hungry? Dem dogs got good meats on dem?" And da lead guy, he goin' real hard on his long john bonger, and he say, "Oh naw, Mopes. We ain't horned up or nuffin. We jus' makin' some sauce to eat dem dogs wif." Ha! Now I tells ya, Goggles here seen a lotta shit and eat a lot of crazy tings what move in da dark places. But old Goggles ain't never eat Cum Covered Canine afore! I mean, afore dat day. Dem guys let me joins in dere meal and I gotsta say, Doringo's Ranch ain't gots nuttin' on Nut Upon Dog.

Dissem issue am called, "The Next Life." I guess that be cause Hal movin' on past the Source Walls, or maybe he gonna be joinin' dem Black Lanterns again.

Dat Relic bigger den Blaster Blaster. And Blaster Blaster be a bigem guy what haff ta carry Blaster and Master on hissem back.

Relic, him, he don't seem to mind Hal usin' up his emotions no more. Maybe he doned up some actual sciencing experiments and difcovered dat his origynal hypotheum weren't able ta stand up 'gainst scrutiny. Or he jus' stepped back fors a second and tinks, "Willpower. Why have I thought, these many, many years, that Willpower was an emotion? It does not pull from the limited amount of emotional energy in the universe because it is not an emotion. It is an attribute one possesses which allows one to face down lustful temptations. Perhaps that is why it rests as green in the middle of the light spectrum, balanced between the terrible pull of red's rage and the quiet, beckoning calls of violet's love." Or somefin likes dat.

Previous ta the space battle, Hal Jordan wassem jus' back on Earf in his boxer shorts drinkin' dem beers.

Mister Jordan, youse rather he drinkem up dog's piss and liquified mushroom essence what da Coors Brewing puts in da bottles? At least dey warns da drinkers by labelin' da bottles "Zima."

Hal has hisself a chat a mano mit hims papa bout how his dads died. But Hal jus' wants ta know why and how his papa be back, floatin' dere in da kitchens. Ya see, Krona be the leader of dem Black Lanterns now, and bunches of dem Black Lanterns wants Hal to stop him. But hows he gonna stop a corpse, feels?

Dat be one dem tings me and mine gang fought was goin' ta happen, when dis world be endin' and all. Corpses be everwhere, biting and stumbling and chasing and eviscertatin'. My second, Da Professor, he almays jus' laff when Goggles says, "Be seein' dem walkin' corpses right soon, ja?" He be all, "Well, that's actually a fairly ridiculous notion, Em. When the essential processes of organic life end, the inevitable processes of death take over. These processes make it patently impossible for a corpse to shuffle about. Organic matter decays, sloughing from the body. Electrical impulses no longer exist within the body, making muscle movement impossible. And even if that weren't the case, the body becomes too stiff to move any part of itself without things snapping and breaking. No, it is not the dead we'll ever have need to fear, Em. If something comes after you, you can rest assured that that thing is living. And that being the case, you can stop it by making it dead." He fuckin' smart, that guy were. Too bad how the vote turned out when Goggles and his gang were fuckin' starvin' that time. Miss that fucker.

Fuckin' brainiac, dis one, eh? "Hmm, chaps, I daresay, Black Lantern is an oxymoron!"

Hal an' Relic manages ta beat down Krona mit dere disco ball plan. Relic captures Black Hand's Black Lantern Ring inna Black Box dat might also haff Black Hand's body insides. All dem corpses jus' begins ta disintegrate, zactly like ol' Prof says dey woulds. Den da only Black Lanterns leff ams da good guys what fought back against corruption. Dat right dere shows how fictionalized dis stories ams, beings as not one good person what wouldn't kills dere own loved ones lasted more dan maybe five monffs affer da world comed ta its end. I mean, da world still here, course! We's all livin' in it jus' as dandy as da peach fuzz on a a youngster's smooth skin, what? It's jus' dat "livin'" ain't nuttin' like what nones a yas thunked about it five years ago, ja?

Affer da fights done an' gone, Hal Jordan lies at deaf's door. But hissem father ain't gonna let Hal go gently or nonesuch poetical shit like dat. He gonna stick him up an' on that Source Wall where he be turnin' ta stone and stay alive forever. So guessin' dat mean dis da last issue of Green Lantern we's gonna gits from DC, sees? Mayhaps dat why dat Shipper fighted so hard ta git her pink gloved little hands all overs it. She aight, dough. She gone off mit da Goddess, ressem her souls. Blesseds am the dead and dying, what we's all says, ja? Ain't never gotta feel dat stomach rumble 'n decidin' if'n ya gonna eat any ol' rotten ting ya can find or if'n ya gonna fight someone for dinner dat day. And by fightin' for dinner, ya knows whats I means, right? Twos a yous fights, one of you lives, one of you dies, one of yous eats. Dats da ways, girls.

Until nex' times, unless ya gits lucky 'n da Goddess takes ya first, feels?