Superman #34

Shouldn't that be "Machinations of the Machinationist"?!

I have ten more comics to read before all the Futures End stuff hits the stands! And then I still have to read three more non-Futures End comics that come out Wednesday before I can partake of DC's Annual Raise the Price of All the Comic Books September Extravaganza! So I don't have time to ramble about stupid bullshit, you guys!

Oh god! Kill me now, you guys! Eeek! I literally just said, "You guys!" Ack! I literally said "literally," you guys! Oof! I think have a Tumbl Virus!

But seriously you guys, let's read some Superman! It's totally important.

This issue begins with the man with the stick. It's literally some Ingmar Bergman Death guy, you guys! He's all important and stuff!

Only 50s kids will understand!

Death Stick Mystery Guy says something about Superman never giving up hope.

No, but seriously, guys, Superman never gives up hope! I know the guy just said that but I felt I needed to say it again as if I were the one passing along the information rather than the guy that said the information passing along the information. I just felt that literally nobody would have noticed what was being said if I didn't repeat it and say, "Seriously though." Because it's that important, you guys.

Ulysses parents are literally two feet tall, you guys. That's why Superman doesn't fit in the chair and has to sit on the arm like one of your sister's loser boyfriends. Amirite? She totes dates jerks.

I went to Starbucks this morning and got a trenta neoclassic dehydrated Zen Green Tea Shaken and they literally spelled my name correctly on the cup. Amazing!

Hey! You guys! Did you know that the loser "L on your forehead" thing wasn't created by Jim Carrey?! It was literally just a thing kids did in Canada to each other! It was the polite version of wedgies! The polite version of swirlies was literally just calling somebody a broomhead.

They were literally literally trying to find a better tomorrow, you guys!

Ulysses's parents are all "We're so sorry!" and "Can you forgive us?" and "Parenting! We're doing it wrong!" But Ulysses is just all "Squee! Ma and Pa are alive!" And Superman is all cri cri cri cri cri cri.

Ulysses tells his origin story and it is literally the same story as Superman's origin story. You guys, this is so important! Up until now, Superman has literally metaphorically been all alone on Earth. Nobody could truly understand what he went through. Nobody on Earth represented him and his struggles, so how could he not feel like a complete outsider? I know we all know we're all special in our individual ways! Like me, I'm a poly-fudge, saniflex, bluegrass/punk fusion, commingling ass muncher. Totes special and individualized and there's nobody like me at all. But I still need representation in pop culture! I need my Ulysses, you guys!

Superman is literally throwing Batman under the bus with all this extra paper work.

Ugh. I hope this Tumbl Virus wears off soon. Kill me now!

Superman totally makes a move on Ulysses' mom while Ulysses and his dad are out on the porch. He's all, "Smell my musk." And she's all, "Mmm! Nom nom nom!" And he's all, "I know you're married but I have no fucks to give." And she's all, "Do you like Sherlock?" And he's all, "Hells yeah! I literally watch it like all the time!" And she's all, blush blush blush blush. And then she's all, "You're literally part of the family now." And Superman is all, "Stop talking. Don't look at me! I'm super busting a super nut now!" Then Ulysses' mom is all, "Dead!"

Later, Superman and Ulysses become besties and head out to find the person responsible for the recent attacks on Metropolis. I've always liked buddy team-ups. They've been my favorites for like forever. That's why my favorite chapter of The Bible is the one where Cain and Abel float down the Mississippi and literally end racism. Also, Turner and Hooch was pretty squee-inducing.

Superman and Ulysses find the place where the robots were built and that's when it happens! The fight of the millentury! A robot tick sticks to Ulysses's head and makes him turn on his best friend forever! I guess he's got Robot Lyme Disease now. I hope Superman doesn't throw his teddy bear in the Sound!

Holy shit. Why am I referencing The Real World: Seattle?! I took some aspirin earlier and I think I'm starting to feel better. Or maybe I've just exhausted my knowledge of Tumblr and have run out of ideas. I suppose I could begin to act like a hard core social justice warrior that has way more youthful passion than they know what to do with it so their attacks are less laser focused and more scatter shot, taking out anybody that looks at the wrong word funny. Usually the wrong word is "rape" because that word literally isn't funny, you guys! I don't know if that was supposed to be funny or not. My head hurts.

Remember Grape Ape? I'm surprised he wasn't arrested and shamed into hiding because some people thought he was going around yelling, "Rape! Rape Ape!"

Superman knocks out Ulysses, squishes the Robot Tick, and meets the man behind the machinations.

The Machinationist!

Superman is quickly overwhelmed by The Machinationist's Mind Ticks but Ulysses saves Superman by committing attempted murder. Uh oh. Superman is going to have to have a bit of a talk with Ulysses. "This is important, youse guy," he'll probably say. "We don't kill, buddy. Also, why do you kill? Weren't you raised by pacifists? I think you should maybe be in the Phantom Zone now."

Superman literally only knows how to deal with problems one way: put it into the Phantom Zone. Just wait until he marries Lois and they have their first fight! Nice knowing you, Lois Lane!

Sad trombone!

Superman #34 Rating: +5 Ranking. This is literally the best Superman comic of The New 52! And that's me speaking with my Tumbl Virus cleared up! Now, it's not the best "Superman in a comic book" comic book because I'm not quite ready to declare this story better than Grant Morrison's run on Action Comics, convoluted as it was. But no better story has been published in the pages of Superman's self-titled comic book since The New 52 began. This shit is bananas! Hmm, maybe I should lie down, you guys.