Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.
As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.
And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!
Welcome back, Scanners! Look arounds us, sees? Dusty Stretches norf, souf, eas, wes, frowards, backslides, ups, downs. Ain't no 'scapin' nows. Ain't no uses worryin' bouts hows we comeded to it. We's gots boff feets in da dust and it be billowin' ups 'round us, obfuscurrin' everfing. Somedust, when peeps 'cognicize me speech when I be down in dem lower voices, dat duster'll sayem, "Goggs! Goggs! I love your show, Goggs! I don't know if I could make it through each week without it. But, seriously, what...what are we doing? What is this--" and dey'll sweep out dey arms ta take in da corpses and da rats and da filth and da cracks and da dust, oh dat fuckity dust, and continue, "--what is this all for?" And Goggs will say, "Who dis Goggs? What da fuckity ya on about, looper?" And Goggs will continue on 'er way to doin' whatevems she uz up ta. Old Goggs cain't take da chance ta identifies herself downs in the lower voices, gets it? But she cans answer ya questyshin up here in her cozy broadcastin' nest.
What are we doin? We gettin' on mit life, dat's what we doin'. Ya wanna end it, ya end it. If'n ya don'ts wanna end it, ya keep trudgin' frough dat dust. What else cans ya do, feels it? It ain't no differencing den Formertimes. What da fuckity were ya doin' den? Work weeks and foopsballs on da weekends. Forcin' yaself ta make friendies mit da peeps ya stuck wit at yer job. Fillin' up dat safe 'count mit as much koku as possibles fer jess in case ya donna corpse it too youthful. Weren't no point ta life den, ain't no point ta life now. Fings was jess much cleaner in Formertimes. And ya didna spend piles a koku on fuckity masks ta cover upside yer nostrums, ja? Joins a gang or a religy movesment ifn ya cain't figger out yer own meaning. But Goggs sure as hell ain't gonna give ya da meanings of life. Afferdust, Old Goggs is a beliefer in The Secret, so she be gettin' her answers fum some other duster anydust! Although, truff be in da tellin, Goggs mossly likems The Secret cause it bout gettin' merde easy-like, feels me? Writes it on a board, fink dem positron foughts, and whiz-bango! Ya gots what ya wanted! Okay, maybe sumdust it takes a mighty small bit of mighty extremes violence as well. But fuckity, The Goddess never said Old Goggs couldna bust some faces ta make her dreams come truthful. At leastways, not in any a da epersodes Goggs 'members.
Dis week's littyrapture funfun book starrems Swamp Thing and it be called "The Zeugma." Fuckity fuck, wishem Prof were here ta tell me what dat means. Nows Old Goggs gotsta digs up da Oxford and flip pages, ja? Lessee, lessee.
[sounds of pages shuffling for about twenty seconds]
Aha! Here em is: noun. "a figure of speech in which a word applies to two others in different senses or to two others of which it semantically suits only one." I sposes dat haff sumfing ta do mit dis here telltale, ja? Mayhaps it splains how dem Divideds and dem Fungis cans do da same jobs as da rots but in a differenty kinda way? Or mayhappens it just means hows dat Swamp Thing says, nearly lastly, "Tears up or tears it down." Although dat seems more kinship ta a homopun or somefink. Or mayhappers it jess in reference ta da two Swamp Things dat battles Anton. Or possibilitates dat it describes Anton and Abby where dey are boff of dem da Rot but dat onny really applicates ta Anton. Sos dats hows we know Abby survivin' in da ends. Dat pobabaly makems da mos' sense; dat da Anton/Abby creature be da Zuegma. Or maybe Old Goggs jess donna fuckity get it, get it?
Trooff, Swampy Fing. Whatevems.
But firsts, Swampy needs help from da ovver realms like da Grey and da Divided and da Metal and da Gray. Acause da Earf cain't exist mitout rot. But fungi and divided do all dat rot business demselves. So what da fuckity is da Rot den? I spose da Rot da superior-natural side of organic matters breakin' down as 'posed ta da scientifical way dat da Fungi and da Bacterium shoulda been takin' care a allatime anydust. But dey been lazy and self-involved or somefin.
Da Gray's somefin were dem lustful temptations.
Nex', da Swampy visitem da Red whose Avatar is a fuckity bonger, sees? Dat mus' mean da new avatar ams Brothers Blood. Affer dat, da Swampy visitem da Divided where da Avatar's name is Sarah. Den Swampy visitem da Metal where dat Avatar be makin' an Anti-Monitor costume fer hisself. Unless it jess a Swampy costume acause he gonna haff ta take over dat Green job (or gonna take alla dem realms over!) if'n Swampy dies. Or it jess be a hot dog vendor costume since it got alla dem condiments bottles on da backs a it.
The Zeugma?
Dere ya go, ya lower voices what allways up and down lookin' fer da meanin' a tings. Swamp Fing, he doin' what he tinks be rights, no matters what dangers dat puts him afore. Mayhap choosin' ta give it all up and corpse it doin' what ya fink is da right fing ta do be better than squirrel-hidin' in yer holes und safe places jess tryin' eke out da longes' potentials life, ja? Meanin' ta life ain't gots to 'quate ta dangers nohow neitherway, dough. But ya fink hidin' and livin' long better den pursuin' personal goals and desires und corpsin' it early? Mayhappers, mayhappers. But dat ain't not for Old Goggs. Ya all of ya may sees her as a voice jess passin' da judgments from upover da clouds but dats acause dats all she wantin' ya ta see. Dere be a reason she ain't wanna be 'cognicized by dem lower voices. She got plans, ya Mopes. She gotta lotta fuckity plans. And if ya fink ya know what ya hearin' each week, if ya fink Old Goggs is doin' dis merde ta make yer lifes passables, ya fuckity deaf, dumb-dumb, und mole-sighted. Dis here weekly...dis ain'ts fa youse, feels me? Dis for him. Now fuckity off, ya misery wretchers.
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