Justice League Dark #34

Ain't no party like a Pantheon party!

I wish I were dumber than I am. I'm not even claiming to be particularly intelligent! I just want to be dumber! Because if I were dumber, I wouldn't be annoyed every time I see a commercial for a television show that I can't even type the name of correctly because it's filled with symbols that HTML will interpret incorrectly and I'd have to type something else to get the symbols to show but I can't even type that to show you what I mean because then you'll just get the symbol that's used in the title of the show, but I think you'll recognize the show if I use shorthand and just call it Scorpion. That show is about a group of "geniuses" that the government coerces into working for them because the "geniuses" are obviously idiots. In one clip of the show, a guy brags about his IQ being higher than Einstein's, as if it mattered or was somewhat impressive. Who the fuck cares what your IQ is, asshole. If you want to be better than Einstein, do something with your fucking smarts so that people will begin to use your name sarcastically when they refer to some dumb idiot.

The problem with writing a show about geniuses is that the writers aren't geniuses. So they can only project their inferior, stupid, moronic selves onto the genius to have the genius act how they, stupid peasants that they are, think geniuses would act. I have a feeling that the geniuses are going to learn a little something about life and common sense by hanging around with some good old regular folk, right? You know why? Because regular folk can only stand the idea that people much smarter than they are exist by believing that geniuses have no common sense, or that geniuses lack street smarts, or that geniuses cannot interact properly with other people. I'm getting an ulcer just thinking about how shitty this show is going to portray geniuses! I bet Agent John Doggett teaches them a little something about what it is to be human!

Now I might have to watch the show to gain more fodder for bellyaching in future commentaries.

Pantheon is gross.

Do I even need to comment on a comic book where nothing really happens? Because nothing has really been happening in Justice League Dark lately. I guess they kind of made Nightmare Nurse kind or something last story arc. Who could tell because I liked her the way she was. And now they're doing something for Boston Brand. But will anything really change? What will be the outcome of Boston Brand's adventures in Nanda Parbat That Was? Will he learn to love his intangible self? And will he get to bone the Nightmare Nurse?

Blah blah blah, magic is dangerous.

I've had it up to my bunny rabbit with magic being dangerous in the DC Universe. Why does anybody practice it if every spell is so dangerous? Every time somebody casts a spell in this comic book, two or three other people point out how fucking dangerous the spell they just cast was. Yet the spells keep on working and nobody has really paid much of a price for casting any of them. Can't somebody just be a happy go lucky magician?

Boston, unaware his teammates are bound nearby, meets up with his blue friend, Brahma Dass. Also, Boston is human again. If I were Boston, I'd remove the Deadman outfit so, if I were to die again, I wouldn't be stuck in that stupid getup. Even if it meant I was naked for the rest of eternity, it would be less humiliating. Unless being dead is really, really cold. Then I'd have to explain my teeny, tiny wiener to everybody I met every time I saw their eyes check me out downstairs. "The afterlife is freezing balls!"

Brahma Dass reminds Boston how he used to kidnap Boston when he was a child.

Back in the desert, Swamp Thing breaks everyone free by becoming a majestic dragon worm plant. Then he speaks with the dirt and learns the history of Nanda Parbat and Pantheon. It's a story of love and betrayal where Nanda Parbat loved Pantheon but then found a new love and forgot all about Pantheon. But Pantheon never forgot about Nanda Parbat. After Forever Evil: Blight, Pantheon awoke from a long, deep sleep and became determined to regain its love.

Meanwhile Deadman, for the second time since the Reboot, loses another body. He's too careless to have a body of his own. Anyway, he meets back up with Justice League Dark and now the story can end already! Let's just assume they kick Pantheon's ass, save Nanda Parbat, and return home. Maybe Nanda Parbat follows them back and begins a sexual relationship with the House of Mystery.

Can you die from sappiness?

Justice League Dark #34 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic has been mediocre and boring for a long time now. My favorite characters in the DC Universe have always been the magicians and now J.M. DeMatteis is making me not care for them at all. I don't even hate them because DeMatteis isn't giving me anything to hate! I might as well have cleaned up the house a bit instead of reading this comic book. It would have been just as interesting and at least I would have felt like I accomplished something. Is it possible that reading a comic book increases the plaque build up on your teeth?