Futures End: The Phantom Stranger #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs hopes dat youse alls pickin up dis broadcasts, ja? Sees it, yer ol' pal Goggs hadda movem dat tenna down onna lower balcony und cover 'er allup inna garbage sacks and brokeded furnichairs. Seems dem Long Boxes gits windy that Goggs graspin a gargaton collection of dem Formertime comics. Dems Long Boxes jacked dem a Dynamite distribution drone what been combin' da sky touchers fer signs of broadcastin quipmens, feels? Dem NB-words sayin ta demselfs and each others, "That shtupid shlut Gogglesh, she thinksh she'sh sho fuckin' great shitting up there in her fucking palash, untouchable, free to shay whatever she fuckin wantsh. Fucking bitch gonna fucking pay! Get our drone down to the corner of Fifth Shquared and have it follow her recording drone back to her hidey hole. Then we'll fucking show her what a real fucking comic book fan can do!"

Ja, ja, Old Goggs know youse wonderem how she knowit what dem monsters uz sayin, bets? Old Goggs gots more techknowhow den recortin' drones, I tells ya true. Dem Long Boxes fink dem da onny fuckin dusters what can apprecilike dis here littyrapture. Gotsta keep tabs on dem and dere nonsenses, sees? Dey mostly inta all dem spank trades by HerSimone anydust, sos Goggles knows dey jess affer her cause she a girl got more brains, muscles, wits, and cajones den dey gots. Hecks, Old Goggs pobably gots a biggertop long john bonger den alluvem puts togedder, feels? Dey also pobably still bits and pieces sore acause a dat raid by The Deep Stacks. Loss mos' a dere bop books and ain't got noways ta see some titties.

Anydust, story shorterfied, Old Goggs hadda blow da recortin' drone ta take outs da Long Boxes Dynamite Drone sos dey coulda na striangulate her. Apologems ta da lower voices fer da short rad and HerSimone porn shower.

Anydusters git dems grubbers onna copy dis here Phantom Stranger Old Gogg jess misfortunate nuff ta have read? Boy, dis here be merde, no? Crapageddon! Why be DC still lettin Dan DiDio fink up dis pseudo-philodogma bullscat? Woulda funk DiDio be done pennin' stink onafter he gettem hisdelf stuck inna comic book in dat lenticulation axdent. Guessin someduster figger DatMatteis able ta translate crapshit inta words what noduster wants ta read anydust. Guess wes ain't gots much choice nohow nopaths anykind seeins how dem DC Delivery Drones jess drops downdown whatevems dey drops and wes jess gotsta suck up dere leavins ifn we specta haff somefin ta reads. Anydust, check some dis fuckfuck, feels?

Ever time, Gogg swears, ever fuckin' times. Youse get bunches a murdermens sittin' bout und dey begins callins each uvver liars. Y'all fuckin murdermen, ya Massengills! Acourse ya all liars too!

Dis here minds Goggs of dis urban been spreadin' updowns da sky touchers last few minutes. Seemin, mayhaps, someduster be organatin a meetin' a da Old York Gangs fer some secret reason (not a Secret reason! Ain't got nodustergang up here Old York way give any calculation a shits bout The Goddess, ya feels?). Mos' paranauts finkin' da big mens behind da ruse be The Illumimasons. But everduster knows dem fucks donnit existem at all, ja? Murder stories fer kinderen, wut dat bein'. But stills, Old Goggs fink dere mayhaps be somefin to da urbans. She gots some friendies allupin da Techknow Ratfinks and she hearded more den one sordid bout shadowy meetings in dem darkdark alleys. Old Goggs ain't got the knowit right now but she keepin open her aurals, what?

So dis here funfun littyrapture book be all bout followin' orders and feelin' obligatored ta acts outta guilt and a desires fo da 'demption. And if'n ya does yer duties and follow dat straights an' arrows, ya gonna git full up riches when ya corpse it. What a loada bullscat, sees? How da fuckity did dat Formertime civilzation fall for dem Ways of the Liard blahblah fer so many round trips? "Don't 'spect nuttin' in life and ya gonna git da major windyfalls post-grave, dumb dumbs!" How dey all fall fer dat scat but all fought The Secret was some upup-nose nonsenses? Old Goggs knows dat dis life be sumfin, even if it jess mosly llusions and missed erections and shiz. Old Goggs feels dis here breathin' and sufferin' and orgasmin good times, feels her? So why she gonna miss out on alla dat fer a skeezy promise from dat cannibal zombie cult? The Secret of The Goddess tellin us all dat goodness be ours heres and nows, sees? Takes it up, puts it on Da Boards, and fink on it til its in yer hands, ja?

Now, Old Goggs didna jess a'cept dat Goddess stuff mitout everdence, aight? No, no. She applicated it early on when da Dusty Stretches didna seem likely ta be all dat long. She gits out a board and she writes, "Old Goggs wanna be Major of Saint Lois so she can tell da councils ta tear down dat stupid fuckity arch." And guessem whats, Scanners?! She and Prof and Skates and Little Tokyo and Cummerbund and Shizgiggles and Tallyforth and Alice B Toklas, we fuckin does it, see? So dats when Old Goggs begin finkin, "Whats if, ya know? Jess whats if?" And she applicated da lessons she membered fum da Goddesses three PM churching, and she beginned gettin ever fing she ever desirem. She gots some shiz manerfestations up onna her board now dat she hopin' gonna come frough real soon, feels her? Real fuckin' soon.

Fuck yo 'ternal sweet rewards. Old Goggs gonna take it all right here y now!

Dat's it for dis week, what? Not much ta say bout dis Dan DiDio Way of the Liard propaganda, sees it? I be 'sposin' DiDio's ideas haff allwaysever been as flat and pretendy dimensionals as he's become now what he bein' a lenticulated represension of his Formertime self. Member, Scanners, keep The Secret! And keep yer kidney shields on straight when venturin' out mongst the lower voices lest ya find yerself a victim of Shivilization!