Catwoman #34

You know what would be more exciting than Catwoman? Supercatwoman!

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit

1. The initial scene takes place in "Gotham City" where a remote control Gargoyle is smelling things. The scene that follows takes place "Elsewhere at Alice Tesla's Workshop." That means her work is not located in Gotham City! I'm good at word problems when they don't involve math!

2. The mechanical gargoyle is breaking into Catwoman's penthouse. Alice doesn't notice the break-in on the security camera because she's busy scoring orbs to forge fragoon feathers. I bet the virtual reality world Alice Tesla is currently playing games in (you know, where they forge fragoon feathers) plays a vital role in the upcoming Klarion the Witch Boy series!

3. Catwoman believes that any thought by any other person that differs from her own way of thinking is aberrant.

4. Alice Tesla mentions that Catwoman won the best thief trophy. When did that happen? I don't remember any kind of closing ceremonies? Did Catwoman steal the trophy because at least that makes sense! That was probably the contest the entire time. The best thief would just steal it. Just like Willy Wonka's rigged game where the actual contest was to find out which child would not engage in corporate espionage!

5. Catwoman's new safe house is going to be an old murder museum because Ann Nocenti must have been reading Harley Quinn and was suddenly inspired.

6. Catwoman continues to judge Alice Tesla for being an introvert and a technophile. Why is it that extroverts and nature lovers truly believe that they're living life more fully than those that would rather curl up with a book and their own company, and those who prefer modern conveniences over marveling at the grandeur of nature. Fuck nature! What has nature ever done for me?! I mean personally!

7. Alice Tesla is no better. As soon as she steps outside, it's whine, bitch, moan, cri, hate, hate, hate. Her main problems with being outside? Mosquitoes, flies, squirrels, pollen, bees, grass. So a bunch of things she won't have to worry about running into in Gotham City. Okay, maybe the flies. It's not like inside is any better! Inside has flies and gnats and dust and spiders and shag carpeting. Shag carpeting tickles the feet too, Alice Tesla!

8. Why is being into murderers and the macabre some kind of proof of your alterna-hipness? My mom loves serial killers and she's as unhip as you can get! For her birthday one year, I bought her the complete set of serial killer trading cards. I purchased the set at R and K Comics on El Camino Real in Santa Clara! Although Brian's Books on Calabazas was my first local comic book shop that wasn't a convenience store comic book rack.

9. The building turns out to be a trap as metal shutters close on all the windows. They're in Jigsaw's hands now!

10. Ann Nocenti proves that she read up on online games and spills as much of the lingo as possible in three panels as Alice Tesla tells Catwoman that she's been gaslighted...by Alice herself! Maybe gaslighted isn't the right word since I have no idea what it actually means beyond the four or five definitions Ann Nocenti gave me last issue. So Ann Nocenti mentions questing and mobs and buffing and DDing and tanking and camping and spawning a bunch of the usual fantasy adventure types of loot and classes. It made me think, "Wow! Ann Nocenti has never played an online game in her life but she's definitely mined the wikipedia article about them!"

11. Tesla sets off a trap that seals her into a room with her fremesis, Cyberius! He's an Elvin Tech-Caster, of course! Which means he can summon monsters via 3-D printing technology merged with the best A.I. enhancements! He can make living monsters! Anyway, the trap doesn't seem like much of a trap. It's more of an excuse to separate Catwoman from Tesla.

12. Cyberius' monster is called Bullbot although it should be called Mechanical Gargoyle From Page One. Alice Tesla's monster is called Gearface because her imagination is terrible.

13. Oh really, Catwoman? Every time? Then why does paper beat rock? Dumb dumb!

14. Funny thing about back-ups though. You don't normally keep them with or on the same system as the originals. Also, nice bit of exposition on Catwoman's part to keep the cloud out of it. You don't want snarky nerds reading this and going, "SNORT! He probably hash all hish filesh uploaded to sheveral different sherversh acrosh the shtate."

15. Lateral lisps are not funny, Catwoman. How dare you manipulate me into a spot where I couldn't not make fun of them!

16. Catwoman arrives and guesses that Tesla's monster is called Gearface because she knows that Tesla's imagination is terrible.

17. Oh my God! Cyberius's distraction has been so, um, fascinating that I almost never forgot about his Bullbot raiding Catwoman's place!

18. Catwoman ruins the date and knocks out Cyberius with her Feral Cat Punch. I just made that up. You can have it, Ann, if you want. Oh wait. You won't be needing it anymore. Maybe Teekl can use it!

19. Ann Nocenti has Catwoman mention a "fear of flying" again. So what Selina is really asking Tesla is if she's afraid of her own sexuality and dating and perhaps that's why she hides behind the computer monitor instead of heading out of the house and meeting real people and getting her feet tickled.

20. After the fear of flying comment, Catwoman continues to speak in metaphor when she asks Alice, "Why is your workshop signal red?" Oh yeah. Boom chikka boom, amirite?

21. After Cyberius stole Tesla's data, she stole Cyberius's data while he was stealing her data. But then she stole her data back but not before he used her data to make more data. Or something. I think they both win!

22. See you in Klarion the Witch Boy, Cyberius!

Catwoman #34 Ranking: No change. All of Ann Nocenti's stories have basically become the same story. Bad guy plots against the good guy. Bad guy looks to get the better of the good guy. Good guy had a plan to beat the bad guy at bad guy's own game all along. Good guy comes out triumphant! But wait! Bad guy still has a trick up bad guy's sleeve because bad guy wasn't actually bested at all! Look at how this ended. Alice points out she stole all of Cyberius's data and wiped it so he had no access to it. And yet he still has an army of Bullbots and Gearfaces! Oh my God, Catwoman! I bet you were wrong! He was using cloud storage after all!