Friday, September 26, 2014

Futures End: Wonder Woman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Goggles und her caravan leavin' Reading City now mit buckets and buckets of knowledge. Headed norf 'gain, for no real reasons but ta maybe meet up mit The Professor, if'n he's made it back from Death Carousel allup in what useta be Maine. Got no real fersure knowhow bout where ta turn next. Mostly acause Goggles...well, cause I...I'm fuckity scared, sees it?

[Nearly half a minute of silence]

I'm scared ta finish this. Beginnings...dey fuckin' easy, sees? Ya open da door, ya step dat one foots right out in front of da ovver, and ya git gone. Froward momentums is da easy part. Okay, okay...mayhap da initial gittin' moving be hard. But oncet ya steel up yer will und ya git yer mind lasered 'nuff ta push froward, ya begin ta coast. Ya git shit in motion ya got no reals control of, sees? Move, move, move. Ya stop finkin. Ya set dat cruisem control. Keep yer eyes jess far 'nuff 'heada ya ta keep from breakin' yer nose on some up and comin' obstacle. But when ya gots ta git an overview...when ya takes dat moment ta really look down da road und try ta git a bead on yer destination...dat when da panic comes down like da moon suddenly relyin' on youse alone ta keep it afloat. Da weight of it all come down on youse, und ya not sure ya gonna make it. Ya ain't ever gonna git ta that promised point, feels? Ya jess knows it. And den ya looks aroun' at all da flotsam and jetsam of society, all da lower voices what left all dey knew (even if what dey left was shit y misery and sickness y death) acause you said dis gonna be better. Ya looks around und ya cain't help but see in dere faces disappointment and anger and despair and an ever gnawin' hunger fer somefin ya ain't, in da end, gonna be able ta provide. Mayhap most dem looks on dere faces all jess up in yer head, and ya doin' dat projectin' fing, yer fears colorin' all dat shit ya eyes restin' on. But some dem looks real, ja? Some dem peeps fuckin' hatin' youse, mes, right now. Dey world been flipflopped one too many times a'eady fer me ta go und do it again acause I fink dey should be believin' da same fings I am.

Dat's da truly scary part. Dese peeps ain't me. What dese Dusters really want? What motivatered dem ta take up torches und follow Old Goggs outta dem cities mitout even a promised land in dere future? Why'd I take up dis here 'sponsibility? Who am I? Who am I ta fink I can build a world what will work for ever dusted individual? Dat's why I'm scared. I'm fucking terrorfied dat I ain't gonna deliver und all dese Dusters jess gonna be worse off den dey was livin' in dem richies' world.

Grant was pobably right. Shoulda never lef' Buzztown. But fuckity youth, ya know? Fuckin' passion of youth. Like firin' a scattergun, ya know? Ya jess want stuff so badly, ya want justice so much, ya want...well, ya want ever duster ta feel free and unshackled und unburdened by dis society dat fink it onny gone run correct-like if ever duster under control ravver den jess trustin' us all. Jess a little trust. So ya run out und ya fire dat scattergun willy-nilly. And ya sometimes hurt dem whats deserves it und ya takes em down a peg and fings change fer da better. But sometimes, ya catch innocents and friends in dat scatter-spray, sees? It ain't till later...when passion still mayhap be dere strong y urgent but ya gain some new perspectives, und ya learn to laser focus dat passion ta take out jess da right cancers. Well, Old Goggs lef' Buzztown mit tons of dat youthful passion but she's learnin'--fear be teachin' her hard--dat mayhap she been doin' some dat helter-skelter trigger pullin'. Grant was pobably right. Shoulda never lef' Buzztown. Be sittin' in da shade, lookin' out on Trips Lake, naked y carefree, gittin' high as a fuckity cloud. Jess let da res' a dem Dusty Stretches fades inta memory.

But fuck. No matters how much Goggles lovered dat fuckity Grant und dat fuckity farm and dat fuckity lake and dat fuckity shady grove mit da full moon orgies...Goggles kept seein' Alice B Toklas's face when Wazzerman kicked over Sweetie's cage and put a bullet in dat poor fuckity parrot. And Goggles seein' Alice, afore dat, how she used ta put her eye up ta dat hole in Sweetie's sheet, what covered her cage while she slept, und Alice, gigglin' like a maniac, sayin', "Sweeeeeeeeetie! Sweeeeeeeeetie! The eye has come for you! THE EYE HAS COME!" Und sometimes, Sweetie, woked up und startled, would say, "Hello! Hello!" And Alice would fall over on da floor, happier den anyduster in The Dusty Stretches had a right ta be, her happiness infectin' alla us, und makin' us weep joyful tears fer oncet, and thinkin' hopeful thoughts of da future. I would fink on dat sittin' by dat lake mit Grant, my hand on his inner thigh, his cuppin' my ass, and I'd fink, "I, alone, have no right to this peace." I'd think how Shizgiggles were still out in dem Dusty Stretches, makin' it da hard way. Und I knowed I couldna be happy 'less I tried ta git dat dere peace fer alla dem lower voices. Dat way a life too precious ta be kept all secreted y hid. Goggles figger she gonna go out and spread dat message and fix da world.

Sure, she also finkin' she gonna fuck up Shortystuff und his richie friends while she at it. Make dem feel dat same loss Alice felt mit da death of Sweetie, and Goggles felt mit da death of Alice. But now I looks round at all dese Dusters, all dese lower voices, and fear grips every inch of me because...well, because dere's jess too many of 'em. So Goddessdamned many of 'em. Goggles almays knew Buzztown gonna be too small. But she figgered, some dusty place gotta be big nuff, rights? But fuck. So many. Und dese jess da few dusters gatherem up from two cities. And onny a tiny, minischool fraction of dem evens!

So yeps. Here I am. Scared ta finish this shit I started. Because ain't no way Goggles gonna truly be capable makin' any duster happy 'cept herself. Fuck you, Grant. You selfish prick. How'd you knowed it? Goggles shouldna lost dat selfishness she guarded so carefully back in da Formertimes. Fuckin' mistake leavin' Buzztown but, well, dat be in da past. No use cryin' over guilty milk.

Distractions all we got lef' here in The Dusty Stretches. Goggles claimered time and dust again dat she stranglin' wisdom outta dese here fun fun littyrapture books like dis Wonders Woman she got sittin' on her lap waitin' ta be read. But is dere really anyfing ta knowed come outta dese here? Or dey jess reminders of somefin else und distractions from everfing? Dey merely papers mit words y images dat Goggles projects her own life onta, feels? But...well...I fink, mayhap, dere be somefin important ta dat, sees? Connection, mayhap? Like dem horoscopes, kinda, sees it? Sayin' its own fuckity fing und being read by lotsa lotsa different dusters, all gettin' somefin from da littyrapture but none a dem gittin' da same fing. But all still feelin' better fer havin' reads it, feels? And since Goggles is currently scared ta shit, she gonna read a story bout dis here stronges', braves' woman dat ever been thunked up. She gonna project herselfs onta Wonders Woman fer a bit, mayhap feel better, ja?

Aha. One woman 'gainst legions. Goggles ain't gonna have ta project too far on dis one.

'Parently dese here fulla stars demons ain't heard dat Wonders Woman can onny be corpsed by a relation, feels? Dat cause she one of dem Olympic gods or somefin. Unless she can be kilt since she's half-human. Or be she all clay? Old Goggles cain't memember. She pobably bein' hunted down by Granny Goodness or some ovver jerk from Apokolips, ja? Or mayhap she gotten on da wrong side of Hera 'gain.

Sure, dey cans corpse it. But onny if dey piss off a relative.

As da God a War, Diana been tryin' ta make everlastin' peace on earf. But some broad named Nemesis ain't like dat idea much, sees? Gots an idea dat bein' Nemesis, she ain't gonna haff much of a life if'n war were ta end. Hell, war be pretty much ended here in The Dusty Stretches but ain't no shortage of one kind hatin' on anuvver kind. Dusters always gonna find plenty reason to corpse da next duster comes along. Dat fear of da ovver, dat a fear ain't never gonna be got rid of, feels me? Fear of da unknown almays gonna git a duster's insides twisted. Und what be more unknown den da mind of da nex' guy, sees? Dat nex' duster gonna take my shit? Gonna take my home? Gonna take my life? Cain't know, not fer certains. Onny way ta be sure und safe be ta corpse everone afore dey corpse you.

Now, now. Goggs donna feel dat way, no madams. Dat Resurrectionist talks, sees? Dat fear in da belly talks. Dat da need ta control ever little bit a your world so ya donna corpse from anyfing but elder age, ja? Old Goggs, as well as dis here Wonders Woman, we finking dat mayhap trust be a better way den control. Trust dat dat ovver also donna wanna be corpsed by some ovver ovver. Trust, confidence, bravery, und projection be da new way. If'n ya ain't scared of everting, ya ain't gonna project dat fear onto dem uvvers und fink dey gonna corpse you outta fear, sees? If ya fink ever duster be alike, und ya fink of yerselfs as brave y compassionate, ya gonna fink dat dere nex' guy fink da same ways, sees? Sure, sure. Ya gonna meet da little ratfink bassard like Shortystuff or Wazzerman ever now y again. And den ya gonna need ta do some corpsing. But trust be better den genocide, rights?

Some ya pobably still finking, "But Goggles, if I trust everybody, one day I'm going to get stabbed in the back for it. What then?" Well, what den? Den ya fuckity die, don't ya? And if ya corpsed, ya donna care one way ta other, ja? But if'n ya still finking 'bout bein' stabbed in da back, ya still fearin' da ovver und ya still part dem Formertimes, sees? Enough mit da tryin' stop up ever single avenue dat old death might come traipsin' downs. He gonna break inta yer place sometimes und ya jess gonna have ta live mit never knowin' when dat gonna happen. Be better livin' mit love y hope den hatred y fear, feels me?

Sees it? Goggles und Wonders Woman same same duster, practically!

Wonders Woman speakers mit sum dem dead dusters she gots fightin' fer her. She gotsta knowem why dey does it. Und dey answer dat it's acause dey wants dem dusters still livin' ta git a fair shakes at it acause life be all of it. Ain't nuffin' else but life, sees? Hopes. Chances. Possibilities. Dat's it. Dat's all dere is. Dis here. Dis is it. Who wants dis, da onny bit of anyfing dat matters, ever...who wants dis ta be constant misery und ill fortunes? S'pose if'n ya got no choice but ta be corpsed or ta be miserable, Old Goggs gonna take miserable und make da best of it. But dat ain't da onny choice, is it? Dusters fight battles not acause dey would ravver die den be slavered. Na. Dey fight acause dey believe dey gonna win dere freedom und keep on livin' betters, sees it? No matters how hopeless, dusters fight cause dey gots slivers of hope. Dem dat donna fight? Dem da ones a'eady corpsed it, or might swell be, anydust.

Wonders Woman realizes she be da Goddess of War und mayhap it be time ta put on da helmet und kick some asses, sees? She suits up und dats when Superman, who also now be fulla dem stars, meaning he pobably on Nemesis side, come upon Wonders Woman ta have a chat. Und den dis littyrapture book gonna be continued in dat Superman/Wonder Woman Futures End book. I pobably gots dat in da trunk somewheres or somefin, so Old Goggs be readin' dat one nex' time. Gotta long ride up norf, so Goggs gonna nap some fer now.

Goddess be mit ya, or whateverem, rights?

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