Futures End: Worlds' Finest #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Fuck you, Scanners! Fuck you right in your cock gobbling faces, you pieces of shit! Nobody in this city is going to be listening to that illiterate, dumb as a fucking cock, can't even fucking speak English fucking cunt Gobbles Upbutt-turds. Who can stand listening to that mongrelese? How can you idiots not just turn that shit off! Stop following that fucking show, you morons. Maybe the day she learns how to conjugate a few verbs correctly, she might be worth listening to. Until then, fuck trying to understand her shit, right? Someone talks like that, they're probably fucking retarded anyways.

That show is dead in Reading City, here me? This is the show you're going to get, comic book lovers! "Truly Fanatical!" That's me, P.T. Goddard, knower of all things comical anybody could ever know! And this is Long Box Country! It's our city and we won't have any of that Gobbles bullshit commentary on comics since she doesn't even know shit about them anyway. Fuck that whore. How the fuck did she get a fucking sponsor for her show? Probably because she's got titties.

Speaking of titties, I have in my talented little hands (if you understand what I'm saying, ladies, and, well let's face it, you probably don't being, you know, one of the, shall I say, less intelligent gender) a comic book featuring the two biggest boobs at DC Realfeel™ comic books! No, no! I'm not talking about Geoff Johns and Jim Lee although I can understand why you might jump to that conclusion! I'm talking about Power Girl's titties! The Huntress is also in this comic book but I'd probably only add half a titty to the total if I were to include her mamma-jammas.

I've got here the Futures End issue of Worlds' Finest, which is an apt title for this comic because boner city, right? The cover should replace "Power Girl" and "The Huntress" with "Right Boob" and "Left Boob." Without that boob window, Power Girl would have zero fans being that she's just a second rate Superman. No wait. Supergirl is a second-rate Superman and Power Girl is a third rate Supergirl. And the Huntress? Shit. She's worse than every Robin ever kicked the side of Batman and most of those Robins were huge pussies. Hmm, I guess she compares favorably to them after all! OH!

Oh, is that what we're supposed to call huge tits? Healthy?

Power Girl raids Cadmus Island because she knows her best friend and, probably, her strap-on lover is being held in their OMAC Prison Complex. As the truly fanatical know, her mission is bound to fail because, as seen in the pages of Futures End #18 and #19, she winds up under Brother Eye's control. But for now she's free and she may even manage to free The Huntress because something should probably happen in this comic book that'll matter in the Futures End weekly since Keith Giffen is advising on the issue. Unless he was just advising Paul Levitz on a proper diet to keep regular. How old are those guys anyway? They must be going on nearly dead.

While Power Boobs explores Cadmus Island, she discovers a lab where scientists have vivisected Steel. Good. Talk about third rate Supergirls! Why did DC even bother with that character? The only reason they created him was to have yet another black character. As if they didn't already have enough, they decided some useless guy, that nobody believed was a genius, by the way, could fill Superman's role when he wasn't available to protect Metropolis? Who cares if he's dead? Although now I wish there was a Futures End: Steel #1 that was just twenty pages of him being taken apart alive, panel by panel. The picture shows a big laundry cart filled with Steel's parts that says, "Steel Vivisection Results." Really? Those are the results? A big pile of waste products? I think somebody just did it for fun.

Metaphor? Oh yeah!

Power Girl emasculates Deathstroke by bending his phallus and then knocking it out of his hands. I can see that. He probably has her beat in a one on one match where he knows who she is or suspects she has powers. But here he needs to take some time to assess the situation, having first thought she was simply an unknown human having breached security. She might be strong but he has a much sharper and more tactical mind for battle. So Power Girl wins the first round due to surprise but I'm sure Deathstroke will take her out by the end. If not then Paul Levitz is a fucking hack that doesn't know anything about comic books or these characters.

Next, Deathstroke blows his load all over Power Girl's chest.

This happens every time Power Girl wears an article of clothing that covers up her cleavage.

Before Deathstroke can teach Power Girl a thing or two about kicking ass, Fifty Sue arrives on the scene to stop Power Girl. Fifty Sue is some super powered creature created by Cadmus. Her looks were made to match her attitude. She's a horrible little monster so she was made to look like a little girl. Power Girl suspects she might be Darkseid's daughter which would be something since Darkseid's daughter was supposed to appear in Vibe and then that stupid shit got its ass cancelled because it was about the most boring character DC ever created. Again, when you create a character just to have another minority character, it's going to wind up stupid and dumb bullshit.

And then a sixth rate Supergirl comes to Power Girl's rescue. Great.

She doesn't quite fill out the suit as well as the original. Not bad though. Not bad at all.

Fifty Sue defeats both Power Girls because DC decided they needed some all-powerful antagonist working for Cadmus and in cahoots with Brother Eye. And who better than a little girl that nobody has ever heard of before? I'm just surprised DC made her a white little girl. I guess it would be wrong to make her a minority since she's the biggest bad guy on Earth right now. Can't have that!

Once again, another Futures End comic book that didn't fucking matter at all! Maybe Fifty Sue will turn out to be related to Darkseid somehow since something needs to explain why Giffen was involved in this book. I guess he had to make sure that Paul Levitz didn't do something stupid that would make DC a laughingstock for years to come because DC has a reputation of excellence to maintain! Not like they've ever done anything stupid like that before! You know, something really fucking dumb like having a character like Eclipso defeat all of DC's heroes in a huge summer event only to have his secret headquarters on the dark side of the moon to protect himself from his greatest weakness, the sun, even though the location of his headquarters meant he was bathed in sunlight for nearly half of the moon's rotation each month. Fucking idiots.

That's all I have to say about that! Thanks for listening to Truly Fanatical! Don't fucking listen to that other fucking illiterate show or the Long Boxes will fucking kill you. Talk to you in twenty-three!