Futures End: Batwoman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Seriously, Scanners, fuck you. A big fuck you from your host, P.T. Goddard! You want to keep listening to that fucking cunt's broadcasts, you'd better tell her to get the fuck out of my city, gets it? If she and her Deep Stacks motherfuckers think they're going to sneak all of their comic book goodies out of here without us taking a shot at them, they've got another think coming! So don't be concerned if you hear some strange noises during this episode of "Truly Fanatical." That's just me cleaning and preparing my gun for my little excursion later to end that bitch Gobbles once and for all.

Until then, let's enjoy this issue of Futures End: Batwoman, shall we? And by "enjoy," I mean fucking despise it and everything it stands for with its gay, femimystical agenda.

The cover is one of those 3D images that shift when you change perspective. So some might think this is a picture of Batwoman suddenly opening her mouth wide to receive the goods. But we all know she's only hungry for twattage, so the image is really here closing her mouth quick after pretending she was going to swallow the beefsteak. That's a huge part of the femimystical power of the woman agenda. They think it's fucking okay to look sexy and alluring, teasing the fuck out of men on a constant basis with their short shorts and low cut blouses, while never planning to give it up. So right from the cover, I know where this comic book is going. Why do some writers feel they need to put their fucking agendas into stories for entertainment? Shouldn't they just stick to normal, regular plots where the guy is the hero and the guy fucks the girl? Now that's good, wholesome, storytelling without pushing any weird outside agenda onto everyday, normal life.

The issue begins with Alice declaring she has to kill her sister Kate.

You're right. It doesn't.

Batwoman has become a vampire because she's got to suck something and it ain't gonna be a penis. Alice needs to kill her because she disapproves of Kate's raw sexuality. She probably believes a woman's power doesn't come from seduction but from dancing naked under the moonlight while bleeding all down her legs. She probably believes a woman's power doesn't come from giving birth but from letting the egg pass unfertilized through the gates of her golden temple. As a femimystical heroine, she has to stop other women from pursuits that parallel the desires of the patriarchy. At least the femignostics agree women are free to do whatever they want even if what they want is to serve a man like they should. But these femiystical bitches just want a world without men. So maybe it is ironic that Alice has to kill Batwoman when Batwoman doesn't give a shit about men. But she's still using her female power all wrong. Vampires are patriarchal figures of masculine sexuality at its most irresistible, and Alice can't have Kate taking on that role. Femimystics can accept lesbianism but only in its most diluted, soft-core porn fashion where naked women cuddle and touch other naked women but nobody ever sticks their tongue in anybody else's pussy. True lesbians, to the femimystical, may as well be men.

A bunch of shit happens that proves Batwoman is using her femininity incorrectly because she's violent and murderous and calls another woman a bitch. She basically represents men in this comic book and Alice's agenda is to kill Batwoman and thus all men. The femimystical never come right out and say they want to kill all men though which is why this femimystical story is written as an analogy. The femimystical women believe women are love and peace and beauty and nature. They oppose violence and technology and hatred and ugliness (although, let's be honest, they don't really have a true aesthetic sense since any woman, to them, is beautiful. But come on!). But in the perfect femimystical world, there are no men. So where did they go? How did they all disappear? Couldn't be through violence and hatred, right? No, no! That's a man's way! To the femimystical, men will just, I suppose, eventually dwindle away, powerless and out of touch with the true universe. I bet this story ends with Alice never killing Kate because a femimystical woman doesn't kill, as I mentioned. I bet she just battles Kate until the sun comes up and then Kate disintegrates, easily washed away from the world by her own ignorance and ineptitude. Just the way the femimystical women think the world will eventually dispose of all males.

Damn, that's a really high waisted outfit.

Alice uses a bit of technology which doesn't totally go against femimystical modes of thought as long as the technology is used sparingly and in conjunction with the desires of nature. Here, Alice is using technology given to her by a man to help destroy Kate, the current symbol of manliness out of control. So that's okay then. I guess. Whatever.

The issue ends with Kate being killed by a hug and a wooden stake. So men are destroyed by love and nature. That's a better femimystical ending than having the sun rise and kill Batwoman even if that would have represented man destroying themselves. But then I don't claim to be able to think like a femimystic! Why would I want to? They're fucking crazy witches that think drinking menstrual blood restores their power. I might love my boner and love jerking off but I don't think I need to eat my seed to restore my manliness. Ugh.

Jesus Christ. Some of this shit comic book companies put out as entertainment. More like propaganda. When did comic books become the chosen method for people trying to change the world? The world was just fine until this garbage started coming out. Things were in control when white males were running everything and not being second guessed by all the people that don't know any better. You know who those people are! Those are the people whose blood I'm going to be spilling tonight as they think they can sneak into my city and take my shit. I guess it's currently The Deep Stack's shit but since it's in The Long Box's city, it's our fucking shit. And once they open up those vaults, we're going to descend on them like a biker gang of mutant raccoons. Tonight you die, Boggles.

That’s all I have to say about that! Thanks for listening to Truly Fanatical! Talk to you in twenty-three!