Batman Loves Superman #13

It's been two months since this book came out. I don't even remember who Batman and Superman are.

I'm a Writer, not a Reader! Reading is for lazy people who enjoy passive entertainment. They like to lay back (unless it's lie back. Maybe it doesn't matter because I'm a Professional Writer and thus I get to make up my own rules. I could even write a whole story within the confines of this parenthetical reference if I wanted to. But as a Reader, you can't do anything but read everything that was placed within the...hey! Where are you going? You're supposed to Read what I Write, Reader! Don't you dare leave this parenthetical reference until you've consumed every word, you sick bastard!) and just take it. But not me! I like to give! I give all day long! Although sometimes I need a break and I read. But I don't read nearly as much as I used to, for some reason! Here is a list of the books I read this year:

1. Hitchhiker's Guide To Some Galaxy or Something (reread. As if I have enough years left in my life to be rereading things! What am I doing?!)
2. The Restaurant in Some Galaxy's Ending or Something (reread)
3. Life, The Universe, Or Something (reread)
4. So Long, and Thanks for Nothing (reread)
5. Mostly Something (reread)
6. LOLita
7. The Last Uniporn

That's it! If you don't count all of the comics that I read so that I have material to Write about. You can't just make up stuff to Write right out of your head! You need Inspiration and Mooses! The Moose that inspires me the most is Clytaemnestra because her name sounds dirty twice! And I don't want any smart Trebeks telling me who I can have for a Moose! I'm the Writer here!

Does anybody remember what happened when Batman Loved Superman last issue? No? Okay then, we'll just start over.

The Reboot Lord Satanus is completely different from the Preboot version. The Preboot version spelled his name Lord Satanis!

Here's an excerpt from Lord Satanis's entry in "Who's Who Volume XIII" (how do you pronounce that?! "Zheeeee!") from March 1986:

"Much of Lord Satanis' background is still wrapped in mystery. We have never seen his unmasked face. He stated that he took the name Satanis from Satan, but never revealed his real name."

I'm glad Lord Satanis cleared up where he came up with the name! I like the new spelling because now he can say his name is in reference to how he's resting on his laurels. Because it combines "sat" with "anus," duh!

That was a weird excerpt from Who's Who, wasn't it? It's like the entry was talking directly to me when it used the pronoun "we"!

As a Writer, I get to decide which grammar and writing rules I want to use and which ones I think are for Amateurs so they don't completely embarrass themselves while trying to write. So I would have said "Lord Satanis's" instead of "Lord Satanis'" because when I say it directly out of my mouth and out loud, it sounds like I'm saying "Satanis's"! That's another rule I don't like! The one about putting punctuation inside of the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. In some cases, it's absolutely essential to do it the correct way. But if I had put the exclamation point inside the quote along with Satanis's, you would have thought that the word "Satanis's" was super exciting and not my previous sentence! I also use lots and lots of exclamation points because you probably can't believe how exciting everything I write is and I like to help you to believe!

Enough about my Writing Process! I can't give away all of my secrets or else you might become as good as me and take my job. And nobody wants to read anything written by a reader!

Kaiyo makes a deal with Lord Satanus which ignores how they met and who Lord Satanus actually is and what is going on. That might take up too many pages. Besides, it's a comic book, so you can probably glean all of that from the pictures. The pictures suggest that Lord Satanus, Ruler of Earth's Dark Realm, lives in a hole near the Earth. Is that where Earth's Dark Realm is located? I would have guessed it was in the ground, especially since the person lording over it is named Satanus. Because an anus is like a hole in the ground!

The pictures also suggest that Kaiyo likes to nap in Earth's orbit and she just happened to nap too close to Lord Satanus's hole this time. Now she either has to feed herself to him or give him Blank Slate Batman and Superman to play with. Or with which to play, if you're a dyed-dactyl jerko. That reminds me! Kaiyo took away Batman and Superman's memory at the end of last issue because Kaiyo is the Apokoliptian version of Mytzlmite.

Good old Clark Kent, reporter! Even with amnesia, he still remembers to ask the Five "W"s: what, why, where, who, and whow.

Catwoman is the person asking Superman if it hurt. She's just using a pick up line because she likes having sex with super heroes. She doesn't know this person is a superhero, of course, even though he isn't wearing his glasses. She's probably looking at his spit curl and not his spit curl, if you know what I mean and aren't overly confused by the fact that I said the same thing twice but meant two very different things. One of the things I meant was a diddly-doo!

Catwoman never gets the chance to make Batman super jealous because a big robot monster chases her away. Meanwhile, Superman gets tetanus in his butthole.

Batman also reappears in Gotham but he gets to keep his bat-clothing.

Also, he's not a reporter so he only knows the one "W."

Batman and The Scarecrow are in the middle of a battle and even though Batman doesn't remember how to be Batman, his body remembers how to be Batman. I guess that's the same way that when people get amnesia, they generally still can speak their native language. Unless they can't! I'm not a doctor or a parasicklologist or anything, so I can't be certain that people can still speak after receiving amnesia. There are probably different levels of amnesia depending on how many people you want thinking you've forgotten about them so that you don't have to go to their stupid parties anymore. "What? Teleman who? I have no idea who you are or that you sent me an evite to your dumb dumb Murder Mystery Party! I'm pretty sure I'm busy that night, if I'm remembering correctly. I mean, plus I don't know you, jerko."

That last sentence in the quotation marks was me, Grunion Guy, acting like I had amnesia and talking to my coworker, Teleman, who is a big idiot.

The Scarecrow hits Batman with fear toxin but since Batman has forgotten everything that he's afraid of, it has no effect on him. The Scarecrow, being a parasicklologist, should have guessed that would happen! But I guess he forgot that Batman has amnesia! He should have been reading the comic book more closely.

Batman has also forgotten that he's afraid to shoot criminals and he tries to shoot the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow forgot that you're supposed to poop in toilets and now needs a new costume.

No, Batman loves Superman, you stupid wall. Although maybe DC needs a Catwoman Loves Batman comic book which only tells stories of their hookups.

I said, "Catwoman Loves Batman!" Enh, Batman's a withholding jerko. Catwoman needs to get it wherever she can.

What was Catwoman stealing from the Gotham City Junkyard? No, no. Nevermind. I'm sure Ann Nocenti had a very dumb plot device that explains it all. Well, the plot doesn't explain it. But Ann Nocenti probably explained it in an interview so that if you read the Catwoman Junkyard story, and thought, "What the doo doo was that?", and then you read her interview explaining the doo doo, you'd say, "Is she talking about the story I just read? Or any of her stories I read? Why can't she translate her seemingly interesting ideas into coherent scripts?!"

Catwoman explains to the naked man that she somehow doesn't know is Superman that the robots that attacked her were built by somebody named Mangubat. I don't like the sound of that! It's like Man-Bat with "gu" in the middle!

Meanwhile, through a series of lucky accidents, Batman finds his way back to the Bat-cave where he's hosting a benefit for Gentrifying Downtown. Luckily Alfred walks him through what he needs to know via some kind of inner ear intercom, and a woman at the party reminds him that he's Bruce Wayne, the richest and sexiest man in Gotham City. Now he knows everything I know about Bruce Wayne! He's practically got his memory back!

Lois Lane appears in a train on the way to Gotham. I knew she'd be in the comic book because she was on the cover and I looked at the cover. It's what makes me such a good Writer because I observe subtleties like that. The train Lois is on is one of Mangubat's robots and he uses it to kidnap her. Or he tries to. Superman, having been briefed by Catwoman (I'm assuming because he's now wearing a Superman belt which Selina probably purchased at Hot Topic and thought it would be clever to give him along with some tight leather pants), decides to destroy the train. I guess he has forgotten that trains usually carry innocent passengers. He does save Lois though because he always saves Lois when she gets in over her head on a dangerous investigation. And then he asks her who Superman is and then Catwoman laughs and then the the passengers on the train die screaming and then the issue is over and then it's time for Futures End. I wonder if this story was supposed to be finished before Futures End began but Jae Lee took too long with the art because Jae Lee always takes too long with the art. Unless he doesn't. I just made that up because his art looks like the kind of art that always misses deadlines.

Batman Loves Superman #13 Rating: No change. I often complain about how Scott Lobdell can only write stories that involve alternate dimensions because he's lazy and can't come up with any other stories other than the one he wrote for X-men and now rewrites constantly. And now I think I need to complain about Greg Pak and the way he writes stories that involve Batman and Superman being put in situations that use amnesia to resolve. First he has them transplanted to another world to forget about what happened there. Now he has them transplanted back from that world where they were retransplanted to remember what happened there only to now have forgotten again. Then you have the Toyman/Mongul story that I've forgotten about because it was so terrible. Are they ever going to take part in a story they get to remember? I bet at the end of Doomed, everybody in the entire world forgets about Doomsday and how Lois was responsible for killing thousands of people in Metropolis. Also, what was up with Lord Satanus? Why couldn't Kaiyo still be responsible for these shenanigans? Did we really need another ultra-powerful, less comical Bat-ptlk?