Futures End: Batgirl #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Dis day, Alice B Toklas woulda been da same age Old Goggs be on da day dat Alice was corpsed: nineteens. Nah, nah. Goggs ain't gonna git alla dat maudlin' und depressive-like finkin' on what happen mit dat Wazzerman bassard. Dat duster ain't worf talkin bouts no mores, sees? But Goggs still wanna talk bout Alice cause she was my fuckity light, gets it? Dat shinin' city on a hill Prof said we was makin? It shinin' acause a her, sees? She were everting ta me back den. Lost it all whens I lost her, sees? Gived it all up: Saint Lois, home, friends, sanity. No fight leff affer dat, so I's jess walked away. But I learned...mayhaps not hows ta make it rights cause it ain't ever gonna be right, not mit Alice, but I learned ta makes it counts fer somefin, if'n I can. So tonight's for Alice B Toklas.

Dis here aging Goggles don't right remember her name, if'n she ever even gived it up at us. Fuckit, I wadn't even Goggles backs den, ja? Dey all jess calls me Em. The Prof da one come up with calling dat little mite "Alice B Toklas." He said, dis what he said: "You are the sweetest thing I ever did see: smile like sugar, skin like melting chocolate, and you make us all happier than a hippie in the parking lot of a Dead show dreamily seeking a miracle. You're our little brownie, sweetie. Out little Alice B Toklas brownie." I askeded the Prof what he meant by dat but he jess smiled and he said, "If all this crap hadn't gone down, Em...if the world had lasted just one semester longer, you would have understood. Maybe when things calm down a bit, we'll dig out that syllabus and we'll start classes up again. Just you and Alice, Jack and Macy, Kim, Cassie, and Little Tokyo. You seven are the only students I give a fuck about now." But fings didna calm down, and The Prof didna stick around anydust. He warned us about dem assholes come inta our city, and we too stubborn ta lissen. Thunked we was strong bitches, us. But one lesson Prof a'eady knew dat we was alla alls us too young y passionates ta know, ya gots ta keep watch out for number uno. Ain't ever gonna be no good ta noduster if'n ya corpse it jess so ya donna look like no coward. Course, Old Goggs never thunked Prof was a coward, not any minute, ever. Dem mens what came...dey was gunnin fer da Prof first second dey seen him. Knowed his power by sight and dey wouldna stopped til dey corpsed him hard.

Anydust, Old Goggs gettin' too close ta dat bad shit. Onny memember da times afore Prof were pretend eaten, sees? Jess gonna let dat uvver shit sink deep, deep, deep inta dat ocean of time, feels her? Git it gone. Fuck it all und jess memember dat smile Alice had could light up da stinkin' dark und cut straight frough da dust any minute.

So fer Alice's birfday, Old Goggs gonna read a funfun littyrapture book by one a her favorite writers, Gail Hersimone. Dis written in dem Formertimes afore Dynamite Jizzbang got dere grubby, cumstained legal chains on Hersimone und key-throwed her updown in da basements of dere wank book factory. Knowit, Alice pobably still likem dat stuff Hersimone crankin' outta Dynamite Jizzbang. Dat shit gute fer a laugh even if'n ya ain't inta spank material.

I fink dis same scene appeared in "Red Sonja and the Temple of the Big Clitted Lesbian Man-Cannibals." 'cept replace Batsgirl mit Red Sonja und da man's face mit a vagina.

Alice woulda had a bigbig smile over Goggs readin' dis partikular Batsgirl funfun book dis minute, feels me? Sees, it be bout how Batsgirl losem someduster she heartbroke over to da city she bigbig keen on. But den she stoppem lovin' dat city acause it tooked away her shining light, see? Und den Batsgirl broked, und went away, and didna know how she ever gonna come back, even if'n she awanted to.

The Goddess oncet telled dis story. It weren't bout da Secret but it similar-like in natures, sees? She says dat ever ting we reads, ever ting we 'sorbs und takes in from da cultures all 'round us, it always come ta us at da right times. So if'n ya open up ta da unyverse und ya 'cept dat yer in complete control a yer own self und ever dang ting dat happens ta youse, den when ya picks up somefin like dis here Batsgirl book, it gonna contain 'zactly what youse need ta read rights now, at dis minute. Since dis minute da onny one dat counts, how coulds it be different, ja? Und looks like dis book gonna mirrorize all updown Goggs and Alice und whats we went frough. The Prof use ta calls it, "Synchronicity." He said some young guy coineded dat term.

Spit! Dat little one be nearly da shittin' image of Alice!

Dese Batsgirls workin' fer dat one use ta be da mains Batsgirls but now she some crazy Bane wanna be French monster fing. I fink she's tryin' too hard. Ja, ja, Goggles didna react much diffentlike when her city a Saint Lois betrayed her. But I didna put on no dumb dumb luchadore mask und disappears myself inta my rage. Okay, okay...sos I did puts on da swimmers goggles und disappeared myself inta The Dusty Stretches wheres I almos' died too many times ta counts. But da goggles were ta protect my eyes, sees it! Mayhap Batsgirl gots somefin wrong mit her face dat she needs ta cover up mit da mask. Like maybe she cain't stop cryin'!

Hmm. Dynamite Jizzbang mus' nots be haffin' ta twistem Hersimone's arm too much if'n dis be da dialogue she uz writin' in da Formertimes.

Und fuckity talkin' bout synchronicity, ja? Check dis one.

Dust y goggles! Fuckity Alice B Toklas would be screaming updowns mit laughter y tears.

Batsgirl's journey drived her further inta violence y madness den Old Goggs' journey. Old Goggs journey was more like summer camp. But Goggs had a'eady been frough da violents and da constant fighting und she finded it had too high a cost. It was also mucho easier den what she learned updown in Buzztown. Dat pacifist shit? Dat patience crap? Dat violence onny in self defense horsedick she learned dere? Fuckin' hardest fing she ever doned. But now Old Goggs knows what counts und if ol' Shortstuff ever challenged her ta da mortal kombats da way Bane challengem Batsgirls, Old Goggs could jess show him da middle fingers und git on mit her life. Ain't nobody draggin' Old Goggs onta a battlefield of dere own choosin'. Battlefields be outdated anydust. So last Formertimes. Goggs gots a new, two-dicked plan. First dick: she gonna live her life how she wanna live her life mitout carin' if'n she ever git revenge or tear down dem richies bullscat way a life. Second dick: if she am gonna corpse dat fucker and his fuckity richie cohorts, she gonna do it all at once mit one fuckity flip of da switch. When da time come, dere world ain't gonna end mit a bang. It ain't gonna end in fire. It ain't gonna end in ice. It jess gonna slip away outta dere grasp all at once. Dey gonna be lef scratchin dem balls und finkin, "What da fuq jess happerned?"

Well, actuallike, mayhap dere might be a teensy weensy bit of fire.

Batsgirl finds her ways again affer confrontsing Bane but mos'ly acause she cloudcleared her own minds durin' da fisticuts. She was mourning und now she's not. She gots friends und directions und hope. I gets dat. Old Goggs gits it. She was sick mit sadness fer a long fuckity time. Even affer dat day she uz pickeded up in dat rockin' y rollin' drunken VW bus by Grant and da ovvers, she was lost in da overwhelmin' grief und despair. But fuck if dey didn't make her smile minutes affer. Took a lotsa lotsa minutes, sures. But Old Goggs had a cloudclearin' of her own some round trips back. Ever since, she knowed, knowedit good, dat revenge weren't necessary. Not in dese here Dusty Stretches where nearly nuffin' matters at all.

It, strictly speakings, weren't necessary. But fuckity fuck, it sure gonna be a fun hobby. Anydust, Happy Birthday, Alice. Loves ya, serious.