Saturday, September 13, 2014

Batman Eternal #23

This issue: Catwoman steals an albino lion cub a snow leopard that poops jewels!

I have a habit of writing things that turn people away simply by their style or presentation. So people see Dwarf Lover and think, "Fucking lousy non-artist sprite comic bullshit." Even though it isn't a sprite comic at all; it's fucking collage, you morons. And then there's That Cavortin' Bastard where I have some essays I'm particularly proud of but they're presented in a heavy slang that leads a lot of morons to say, "I couldn't get past the language." And of course, let's not forget Future Retard which presents a "baby" from the future having conversations with a masturbating metal head who becomes the love interest of a gay Stephen Hawkings. Now, I can't take sole credit for that (or That Cavortin' Bastard whom I didn't create but my essays in his voice are solely my essays whereas Future Retard was a collaborative creation and co-writing effort with my friend Upright) but I still think it's an intelligently speculative look at where we're headed due to most people using the internet's knowledge as a crutch, thereby never expanding their own knowledge base independent of outside sources. And then there was Crazy Asian Drinks which everybody just decided was racist before even reading it. Maybe it was. I don't know! It wasn't meant to be! And now I'm writing a short story about one of my favorite new characters, Goggles, and it's presented in yet another language that probably turns most people off. Instead of calling myself a person who stubbornly refuses to present easily digestible material, I'm going to go with "a person who has artistic integrity." Fuck, I'm still surprised anybody reads these daily stupid fucking commentaries as it is.

Anyway, all that is to say, for those not interested at all in my Futures End stuff, fuck you. I mean, don't worry! I meant to say "don't worry" and not "fuck you!" That was one of those slips that don't actually mean anything because nobody believes anything Freud said anyway anymore, right? So, um, "Don't worry!" You'll still be getting my stupid voice commentaries with the weekly Futures End, the weekly Batman Eternal, and any other DC Comics that were mistakenly scheduled during Super Fabulous Futures End Extravaganza Month! Like Superman Unchained #Isn't-This-Over-Yet? That wasn't a stupid fucking hashtag, by the way. That was a number sign. As in "Number Isn't-This-Over-Yet?" God, I hate having to explain myself! And yet it seems that's all I fucking ever do! Hey world? Smarten the fuck up!

I think I might be in a bitter ranty mood today! That's good news for readers! That's bad news for Tim Seeley who scripted this issue! Oh, Timmy my man! Grit your teeth and spread them fuckin' cheeks cause I'm going in raw!

Wait a second. I'm assuming Catwoman means his pirate skin since he's the pirate that loves wearing endangered animals as clothing. But how can he make the dead pirate skin jacket if he's the dead pirate? I think Selina needs to work on her one-liners.

Meanwhile, Batman continues to beat The Architect with discarded rebar.

See? It was okay to make a buttsecks joke about me and Tim Seeley because Tim Seeley makes them himself. I mean, I only made the buttsecks joke because Tim Seeley makes them and I thought he deserved some of his own suppositories. See how I said suppositories instead of medicine because suppositories are butt medicine! Dammit! I'm explaining again! Why am I writing to the idiots?! I'm going to simply pretend everybody understands every single thing I say even though I know that isn't true since I often don't understand what the fuck I was saying when I reread my own crap.

That kid happens to be Jade, the kid that Killer Croc and The Batman saved from the Ten-Eyed Man.

Jesus Christ, DC Comics. The Ten-Eyed Man? Who's responsible for that creation? Come on, just tell me! Let's see...Frank Robbins? He's the same guy that created Jason Bard! Is that why he made an appearance? A little shout out to psychotronic freakout maestro Frank Robbins? I don't know if any of those adjective actually fit him but he does look like he's on acid in his Wikipedia picture and he did create The Ten-Eyed Man. So they probably fit him.

Jade takes Selina through the sewer system and into Blackgate prison where she gets to speak directly with Rex Calabrese. Who? you're probably asking even though you've been following along with Batman Eternal the whole time and have been saying "Who?" every time his name appears. He was a big crime boss that ran the city for years and, apparently, raised Selina Kyle from the age of nine until the age of whenever the fuck it was he abandoned her. Now he wants to mentor her as the new crime boss of Gotham City.

The Architect's Tesla Resonation Device sets off some serious seismic activity in Gotham. Are we going to have to go through the Reboot No Man's Land now? Fuck.

Hush spouts more Aristotelian bullshit which makes him feel better that his plans to bring down Wayne's Beacon Tower failed. I don't think his Aristotle quotes ever really match the situation until after he says them. Being psychotic, they probably just pop into his head at random and then he deals with the situation according to the quote that popped into his head. It's a more pretentious version of Harvey Dent's coin toss.

Selina refuses Rex's offer but, as we've seen in the sneak episode that interrupted Batman's Zero Year, Selina will eventually change her mind. Until then, Jason Bard's next move in his long con is to get Mayor Hady to declare martial law. I think maybe it's just finally time to hang an "Out of Order" sign on Gotham City and leave it to the rats.

Batman Eternal #23 Rating: No change. A lot hast been happening in this comic book and I think it's all being handled nicely. This is the first weekly comic book I've ever read (I was on the Long Hiatus during 52, and I was rarely reading Batman and Superman back in the days when they might have a huge crossover where a chapter of the story came out each week but in a different title) and I appreciate how much more can be done in a series like this where you don't have to wait a full month between chapters. On a monthly book, you can only concentrate on one main story with a few subplots that will eventually take over as the main story. Too much and you'll lose the reader's focus. But on a weekly, you can build up a fucking shit-ton of "main plots" and, with a steady and consistent pacing and rotation, you get a really full story that is just coming off the hinges. Outstanding work by the entire creative team working on this series so far. I'm really enjoying it.

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