Monday, September 22, 2014

Batman Eternal #24

Because of this cover, how many nerd reviews are filled with assholes spoiling as many books and movies as they possibly can?

I'm going to spoil the entire Lord of the Rings series for those people that have never been able to slog through it but have read tons and tons of Lord of the Rings fan fiction. Sam and Frodo never buttfuck in Mordor. Legolas never fucks Gimli on horseback while humiliating him and his ancestors. Pippin is not gang banged by Ents (at least not explicitly). Eowyn never rides Merry's face after he becomes a Knight of "Ridemyfacemark." Saruman's ultimate goal is not to skull fuck one of every creature in Middle Earth plus a few he creates himself. Hobbits do not celebrate their eleventy-first birthday with a huge gay hobbit orgy. Just before he dies, Boromir does not pull out his cock to have it sucked by Aragorn while dozens of mortally wounded orcs watch and masturbate. Frodo does not emerge from Shelob's lair sick from too much spider pussy. Gollum does not have a twelve inch penis. Okay, he might have a twelve inch penis. The actual book doesn't mention it at all. Which is weird when you think about it since Tolkien felt the need to describe nearly every other thing in Middle Earth in excruciating detail.

I now think maybe I should be writing Lord of the Rings fan fiction instead of commenting on DC's The New 52. Or perhaps I just need to stick more throbbing, erect phalluses into my commentaries. For those of you who just thought "That's what she said," fuck you. I said I should be writing fan fiction so you should have thought "That's what he said."

I wonder if Slash from Guns N' Roses hates that his name now basically represents The Smoking Man using his mouth to tell Fox Mulder's penis the truth, or Superman taking a big fat batcock right up his K-hole?

Here's a spoiler for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: I've come to realize that I hate comic book fans far more than I hate DC Comics. I don't blame DC for putting Batman in every single one of their comic books. How does it seem that the comic book fandom can't stop masturbating on everything Marvel puts out and yet Batman still sells more comic books than any other title month to month? Hey, you fucking Batfans? Just because Batman isn't on the cover of a DC Comic book, it doesn't mean that comic book isn't worth reading! Start branching out! DC has some other really good books. Like Batman and Robin! No wait. I mean, that's good, sure. But my point was good books without Batman. Well, I'd say Swamp Thing and Red Lanterns are fucking terrific and they're barely selling but I'd hate to get people reading those just when Charles Soule has signed an exclusivity contract with Marvel. Demon Knights is really...oh wait. How about All Star...oh. Hmm, forget that. Fuck it. Keep buying whatever you want to buy and I'll keep enjoying for extremely limited amounts of time good books with characters that don't sell comic books.

I actually wouldn't be surprised to see Harley Quinn begin starring in more titles by the way her book is selling. Fucking comic book fans. I should actually say comic character fans because by the monthly sales stats, I'd have to say a large majority of people reading comic books don't actually care about the medium. They simply care about specific characters no matter how shitty they're being written. They've made an emotional connection to the character somewhere along the way and simply get squidgy feelings all up and down their insides that may or may not be (but probably are) connected to their genitals whenever they see the character. Even if that character is currently referring to her vagina as a clown car.

I'm just bitter that I can't have long runs of characters I identify with, like Etrigan and Jonah Hex. And Constantine will probably soon be canceled according to his monthly sales but that might be okay since he's been fucking neutered since being forced into regular continuity. Maybe Harley Quinn should start saying things in her comic book like, "I sure am interested in what happens to that Swamp Thing! Anybody that loves my adventures would certainly love the adventures of the Swamp Thing!" Or maybe all of DC's comic books should be team comics starring Batman and the other character that previously wasn't sharing the title with him?

Oh, who am I kidding? When I say that I hate comic book fans, I'm really just saying I hate myself. I hate myself for caring about this medium! I hate myself for reading issue after issue written by Ann Nocenti! I hate myself for...well, for other more personal and intimate reasons that I'm not sharing with the likes of you, perverted internet denizens.

It's Hush! It's already been revealed! It isn't a mystery anymore! You suck at spoiling!

Cluemaster reports to Hush that he and his gang are fucking with Gotham's infrastructure so that every citizen of Gotham will be kicking their pets. Signalman is fucking with the traffic lights because he chose a stupid name like Signalman. Serves him right. Ratcatcher is running around in the sewers trying to spread disease. He'll probably get picked up by Maxie Zeus or Killer Croc soon. And the Prankster has decided Chicago is no fun with Nightwing dead, so he's moved to Gotham where criminals seem to be able to do whatever the fuck they want, whenever they want. Sure, occasionally one of them gets some bones broken by Batman. But Batman can't be everywhere at once, right? Judging by the amount of crime in Gotham, the risk of encountering Batman seems low enough to overcome the fear of that encounter.

Later, Batman battles a deadly apparition at the Museum of Modern Art. Or it's possible he ruins a performance art piece by Doctor Ecks. Who can tell? I can't because I was programmed by the man.

This piece is called "Batman Standing in Front of a Picture of a Hamster Being Shrunk Down to the Size of a Hamster-Sized Candy Bar While Psychiatrist Sleeps."

Lastly, Spoiler manipulates her father, Cluemaster, so that he chases her outside Gotham city limits where he's picked up by state troopers who don't seem to be corrupt. Why is it Gotham cops are so corrupt? What is inherently wrong with Gotham? It must be Batman, right? I don't think Batman himself knows how he's being manipulated by Bruce Wayne. I really think Bruce Wayne is a master criminal. He controls real estate and technology in Gotham while he fosters the personality of Batman who goes about keeping the other criminal masterminds in check. Batman is a distinct personality that has an idea who Bruce Wayne is but doesn't truly know Bruce Wayne's plans and ambitions. But Bruce Wayne has no direct control over his Batman persona so he has to manipulate it in small ways, much like the protagonist of Memento manipulates himself to keep searching for his wife's killer no matter how many "killers" he kills. No wonder The Joker is in love with Batman. He's probably the only person that understands exactly how insane Bruce and Batman are.

Batman Eternal #24 Rating: No change.

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