Futures End: Superboy #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Got some gute news todays, feels? Not dat news bout dozens a cities burnin' all 'cross da Dusty Stretches aldough dat pobably pissin' off dem richies and dere s'porters, sees? Nah, Old Goggs gots a recortin' via messenger from upstate Old York. Promised it be from Prof, so seems he well y good, for da minute. Nah, his recortin' of a bigbig meetup in Upper Kinder Camp. Donna knowedit how he snucked in und recorted it but he findered a way, ja? Seems dese kinderen, none more den bout firteen or fourteen, sees, meets up on some nights ta tell demselfs stories round a bongfire. So tonight, as Goggs and Archivist Melville und our new friends sits jess outside a Reading City finking up our plans ta git dem Deep Stacks outta dere mit little trouble as possible, she jess gonna hit play on dis recortin' und let da world hearem a truthful recortin' of da actual res'dents of Upper Kinder Camp. Enjoys it, ja?

[Noises of scrambling, clicking, static, and mumbling before a new voice begins speaking over the crackling sound of a large fire]

Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys, take sounds.
Shoves sounds, eat sounds, belly sounds.
Throw sounds. Catch sounds. Gobble sounds.
Take sounds, cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys.

Vroom! Vroom! [For several seconds, many voices take up the chant, whispering hoarsely, "Vroom! Vroom!" over and over until the main voice continues]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [The vroom chant stops and is replaced by screams and cries]
Scramble! Dither! Produce!
Press play! Press record!
Remembit, cheese monkeys, remembit!

[Sudden gasps followed by oohs and ahhs amidst joyful cries of "Superboy"]

Fill eyes, cheese monkeys. Gobble pictures.
Gobble sounds. Gobble whys.
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Whys togather none pay rent? Whys?

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Many voices begin repeating, nearly in unison, lines apparently memorized by the throng]

"Superboy never gived up we cheese monkeys. Taught we, cheese monkeys. Pretty we, cheese monkeys. Leave past behind! Leave past behind! Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys! Leave past behind!"

[Lots of whooping and hollering. The main speaker waits patiently for the crowd to quiet down before continuing]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [More screaming and terrified yelps]
Lone! Little! Lost!
Empty souls! Empty wallets!
Not cheeses! Not monkeys!

Pay rent! A band done!
Tear ears! Whore ears! Fear ears!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Again, many voices begin repeating, less in unison than previously, lines apparently still being learned by many in the throng]

"Finish problem! Fights alone! Others stay! Cheese monkeys stand down!"

[A chorus of plaintive "no"s come from the crowd who obviously know the ending of the story]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sk....[Squeaks and squeals of delighted terror drown out the speaker]
Cheese monkey, I, overwhelped.
Gobble hate! Gobble pain!
Sky tigers pay rent!

Whys man, Superboy, whys man!
Help cheese monkey, I!
Why cheese monkey, I?
How cheese monkey, I?!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Once more, many voices begin repeating, enthusiastically and full of joy, lines memorized by the many in the throng]

"Cheese monkeys stand up! Cheese monkeys together! Cheese monkeys suck following orders! Stand down, pay rents!"

[Cheers and enthusiastic hooting and clapping from the crowd]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [Laughter and boos this time, possibly brought on by the body language of the speaker]
Sky tigers squabble! Sky tigers betray!
Gobble greed! Gobble desire!
Sky tigers gobble sky tigers!

Cheese monkeys win! Cheese monkeys triumph!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man?
We! Cheese monkeys! We!
Stand together! Fight together!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make remembits! Loud! Loudly! Loudsest!

[One final time, the throng repeat memorized lines, this time yelling them, screaming them, laughing them loudly]

"Thanks Cheese monkeys! Thanks Superboy! Family all! Family! We, cheese monkeys, family! Thank you, Superboy!"

[The rest of the broadcast is several minutes of unintelligible screaming, mumbling, laughing, and yelling until the recording reaches its end with several loud clicking noises and a final, soft buzzing]