Futures End: Batman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs gonna start dis here broadcast mit a prayer ta The Goddess mit her prayer randomizer, sees? Mos'ly acause Old Goggs forgits 'bout all dis prayer nonsense now dat da fuckity prayer gong been burnt ta da groun' and she out roamin' upsdown all dese forgottens backroads roundbout Old York.

"Bringem forth him what cussed up da camps, sees? Lets alla dem all dat heards him spout off, layem dem hands updown his head, let's da congregated dusters gather up stones and bonks him in da heads. And da Muses shalt sing up on da kinderen of The Real, saying, 'Whosoever sayem da GD-word shall bury sin. And he what sayem dat word dat shouldna even be said as "da GD-word" acause dat jess as bad as sayin' da fing itselfs, dat bonger shall Shirley be put to deaf, and everduster mit a stone gonna make sure of it. Dis donna jess go fer alls us believes dis partikular hooey, neither. Dis goes fer dem Resurrectionists und dem femignostics and dem believers in da Ways of the Liard und dem dats won't be named for want a keepin' yer head and da Apeists und da femimystics and alla dem ovver peeps I cain't be bothered ta fink of. And he dat corpse any duster shall Shirley be corpsed hisself. And he that corpse a beast shall be all, "Yo, 'pologies, heres...takem one a mine, feels?" Und if a womans squeezem a neighbor's blackhead, so dat woman gonna git one a hers squeezed too. Bitch fer bitch; I for I; truth for truth: as she caused dem pimples, so she gonna git dem too. Ya knowit, likem I jess saids it like uno sentences ago.' So da Muses spokeded ta da kinderen of The Real afore dey all got down ta some proper killin' a dat jerko what said da GD-word which pobably should be calt somefing else now dat ever duster goin' 'round finking it's okay ta stub dey toe and say, 'GD-word!' The Goddess knowit what be in yer hearts, dumb dumb!"

Amens ta all dat, whatevems it means. Now dat Old Goggs feel all self-righteous y spirychal, she gonna git on mit da littyrapture funfun horsedick what stitches dese here broadcasts togevver so ya all fink she gots somefin actual ta blah blahs about.

Batsman so far up his own ass, he fink he da onny duster can keep da world safes.

Batsman cain't trust da safety uv nuffin ta noduster but hisself. So what makem him fink one of his clones gonna da as good a job? Dat clone might has his DNAs and it even gonna git his thinks and thunks updownloaded inta its brains but dat clone still ain't gonna be Batsman! If Batsman really bein' dis obsessed mit safin' da world, and knowin' he da onny joker be able ta safes it, den he should be flushin' all dis clone nonsense. Go git yerselfs a Lazarus Pit, ya dumb dumb. Ra's al Ghul dis shit and dictator up, ya fuckity control freak. How does dis fucker not trust no duster but hisselfs anyways?

Goggles thunked dat she knew alls 'bout trust, way back minutes ago in dem Saint Lois days. Kep some peeps close ta her bosoms and proclared dat she trust 'em. But she didna truly unnerstand what trust meaned. It weren't jess not fearin' dey gonna rush off ta tell her secrets. It weren't jess knowin' dey gonna be dere fer her ta do whatever she assed em ta do. Old Goggs fergetted dat ta truly trust someduster, ya gots ta lissen ta what deys says, und help dem mit what dey needs, und be dere fer dem as well, no questyshins asked, sees it? Goggles thunked dat askin' peeps ta trust her and be dere fer her were da onny side of trust dere was. "Trust me" uz almays comin' outta my mouf. But did I ever jess lissen ta somefin Skates or The Prof or Alice B Toklas, Goddess bless her smile, be sayin' und respond mit a, "Sures! Of Course!" Naw. Goggs almays responded mit a "Why for?" or a "Not now" or a "Does dat really seems importants now?" Weren't until Buzztown dat Old Goggs learned da true power and freedom of trust, sees? Dat power and dat freedom...? Dat gonna be da way forward, truths. Dis Batsman shit awhere he refusem ta let go? Dat way jess bigbig troubles.

Batsman breakem inta Lexcorps ta git him some fink designed by Niles Caulder dat gonna give Bats da 'bilities ta clone hisself for ever and ever y dust affer dust. But Lex Luthor ain't one ta not notice when some duster, even Batsman, be stealing his shit.

Lex Luthor mayhaps be da brainsiest man on Earf, but he ain't gots a Batscomputer.

On da uvver hands, Luthor does gots a Bizarro. Sures, it jess a half-ass, mos'ly raw clone a Superman but den Batsman be onny half a Batsman rights now anydusts, seein' as how he gots a brokened back und weak heart und foal's legs. But dis here bein' a Realfeel™ DC Comic, Batsman gonna haff ta win. Even if dis here be an alterny-future story. Dose da bess kinds ta show how kick ass da Batsman be, anydust.

Course Batsman escapes aldough he donna kick Bizarro's butt like some dusters might spected. Lex Luthor's failsafes kilt all da Bizarros whilst Batsman crawls outta da wreckage mit da Niles Caulder Cloning Kit. Den deres dis final scene what pobably comes closest ever ta Batsman and Alfreds conceiving.

"Little sperm has found a way to make a baby and ruin your day."

Fuckity kinderen, rights? One fing peeps still feel like doin' in The Dusty Streches be each ovver. So kinderen ain't never in short supplies, feels it? But not allsa you alls wants em, sees? Dat's why no-go places like Upper Kinder Camp extanted demselves, sees? Abandoned kinderen what never knowed love and onny ever knowed want? Dose em da mos' dangerous peeps in The Dusty Stretches, believe. They ain't never known civilization. Dey jess knowed hunger and thirst and loneliness and need need need. Unfulfilled desires am dere language since dey mos'ly never been taught anuvver. Da older kinderen, da ones what run dem nightscare places like Upper Kinder Camp...dey make goodgood koku takin' peeps unwanteds und bringin' dem out ta Upper Kinder Camp heres outsides Old York, or Death Carousel outside of Portantland up norf, or Dick Scary's Busytown jess outside Reading City. Dese places...dey ain't fer us, sees? Dey ain't never been fer nobody but kinderen born ta be monsters frough no fuckity fault a their own. Jess careless, senseless, selfish pricks dat jess wanted ta fuck und soon got stuck mit responsibilities dey ain't wanted. Upper Kinder Camp und places like it...dey might be deaftraps, fer sures. But dey also might hold somefin mos' us lost long time back. Fer da brave, und da compassionate, und dose what wants a new way in no way similar ta da mess what come afore und turned everting inta dust...dose places might hold hope.

Goddess keeps yer crack warm, und Old Goggs talk at ya nex' time.