Batman Eternal #22

This is the greatest cover of all time.

Usually when a deadly new villain appears on the cover of a comic book, they're "unleashed!" or, well, whatever synonyms exist for unleashed although DC never uses them so the villains are almost always just unleashed. Anyway, they're usually shown as getting over on the hero because the reader has to feel the tension of the impending conflict. Will Batman actually be beaten? After the reader answers "no" to that question immediately, they still pick up the comic book because Batman is on the cover and DC has some kind of Halloween III mindchip installed in every picture of Batman that forces people to buy their comic books.

But not this cover! Hopefully you know what I'm talking about when I say "not this cover" since I filled that last paragraph with a lot of extraneous bullshit that probably made you forget about the villain unleashed and the beating Batman stuff. As soon as The Architect enters, Batman is all, "Ka-CHA!" "Ka-CHA" is short for "Karate Chop!" Batman knows this is a karate kick but he doesn't like to telegraph his blows just in case he's battling a psychic. This leads me to believe that The Architect sucks. The only way this cover could be any better is if it said, "Enter The Archite...." Oh wait! I thought of another way it could be better! If it were drawn by Val Semieks! And if Etrigan were on it! And the Architect was Klarion the Witch Boy! And maybe Simon Bisley sketched a tattoo of Lobo on Etrigan's arm! And then the whole thing were redone as a sculpture by Tom Taggart and placed inside an installation by Dave McKean! Now that's a cover!

Last issue Jason Bard broke a flash drive that didn't have any evidence on it at all. What it had inside of it was a Bat-Device that would alert Batman when the asshole he gave it to broke it in half. That's all speculation by me but since I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, you might as well accept it as truth. Believing in me isn't faith; it's science! When have I ever been wrong? I'm the guy that guessed Harvest was Vampire Tim Drake from the future and that New Future Welder's Mask Superman was Booster Gold, and look how those came to pass! Or will come to pass eventually. Or are at least accurate in my comic books which I've marked up a bit with colored Sharpies. It's amazing how easy it was to make Billy Batson look like Michael Jon Carter!

Jason Bard also let The Architect out of Blackgate but I don't know what that's supposed to accomplish. I guess he's going to remodel the destroyed subway?

This issue has a flashback of the "Alfred spills the beans" scene. So that's two panels that will have to be fixed in the trades! Learn to spell, Alfred!

Julia finds the entrance to the Batcave but then the scene changes to a group of Bruce Wayne's Windows and Glass Repair workers fitting a Wayne building with more totally destructible panes of glass. But The Architect arrives to shoot some guy named Clint because he was worried the ink was going to run and everybody would have a tizzy over an accidental cunt. Unless all of The Architect's themed crimes are that he delays construction projects so that his family business can garner more contracts.

Batman notices The Architect up to no good and says "No..." as if The Architect is some kind of dangerous rival. He's named The Architect! He's an asshole!

The Batcave contacts Batman because there's somebody inside of it that wants to yell at him.

You must be mistaken, Batman. He's called "The Architect," not "The Demolitionist."

The Architect must be a fan of Tesla because he's mastered the ability to set up a resonance that continues to grow until buildings or bridges collapse. This Beacon place he's attacked was designed by him while in prison. Probably because he received a poorly formatted invitation to fuck with Gotham City. Batman doesn't know what to do because Penny-Two doesn't know how to operate the Bat-computer. All you do is hit switches and buttons, Julia, until it spits out some punch cards!

In the absence of Batman's Bat-Computer, let me take this one. Batman! You have to set up a counter resonance that will nullify the counter-counter-resonance! Sit all the workers on the floor with you and everybody fart at exactly the same time! It's your only chance!

I should get royalties for that, Batman. I came up with it first! Now if Julia steals my fart plan, I'm fucking suing.

The only actual plan Batman and Penny-Two come up with is the one where they rescue all the workers but allow the building to continue to vibrate itself to death. Luckily, it probably won't work unless The Architect added walls of dynamite to the building's blueprints. Batman realizes one page before the issue ends who the real "architect" of all this shit going down is: Hush.

Goddammit! I said at the end of the last commentary that the person behind it all had better not be Hush since Hush was introduced last issue and then the last issue's next issue blurb said the person behind it all would be revealed. But he was already revealed! I will allow that it wasn't revealed that Hush was the mastermind. Anyway, it's Hush. No wonder his invitations to Gotham were so poorly formatted, what with all those bandages getting in the way of fine detail work.

Batman Eternal #22 Rating: -1 Ranking. I warned you, Batman Eternal! I said, "Hush had better not be the big reveal!" I said, "If Hush is the big reveal, I will murder you in your sleep, Batman Eternal!" And then I said, "I'm hungry!" And then I forgot all about Batman Eternal until just now. I guess little Tommy Elliot feels it's time to throw another gigantic tantrum because his parents weren't gunned down in an alley allowing him to inherit all of their money at an early age. Did Hush come up with his name because he stood up in a library and declared his parents' wealth would be his and then was shushed by a librarian? Anyway, I think Hush's childhood rivalry has gone a little bit too far.