Monday, December 16, 2013

Swamp Thing #26

Last issue, Swamp Thing was forced into early retirement because he refused to kill the new kid applying for his job. I have a feeling Charles Soule was just writing a parable about life working in a law firm. I've read, like, one book by John Grisham. I know how that shit works! I wonder how many people Perry Mason had to kill to keep his job?

In retirement, The Swamp Thing can watch what Woordrue gets up to. He also knows what Woodrue is thinking. Being a retired Avatar is a lot like being an omniscient narrator.

Or a lot like my aunt who can't shut up while watching a movie and thinks she's offering helpful suggestions to the protagonist when she's not asking me unanswerable questions about what's going to happen.

Jason Woodrue decides to let Capucine go for now. I guess she realizes Woodrue won't give a shit about her pact she made with a long dead Avatar about sanctuary, so she runs for her life. Being that she's running through trees and on top of grass, she's lucky that Woodrue is too busy thinking up a way to impress his new boss. What a fucking kiss ass. It's bad enough when a new employee joins the company and decides she has to compete with everybody at her same level. It's even more pathetic when the new employee is competing with past employees that don't even work there anymore! Nobody is going to respect you, Jason Woodrue, for toeing the company line and trying to be a super employee. You know what bosses really like? When you tell them to shove it up their fucking ass and leave you alone to do your fucking job! Here's some of the best phrases everybody should use on their bosses this week to gain some well-needed respect in the office and possibly that pay raise you desperately need: "Stop micromanaging me, you Godforsaken cunt!" "I'm taking a four hour lunch and there's nothing you can do to stop me." "The deadline on this project is too stressful; I'm going to add a few weeks to it." "Holy fuck, you smell like a monkey today!" "You know how you could increase morale? Stack of porn in the handicapped stall!" "Jesus Christ, you really look tense. Oral sex in the supply closet?"

Jason Woodrue (also known as The Seeder but that title's a bit too porny for me. Although, "Woodrue" isn't exactly not porn material) has decided that the best times the world has ever known was when one of the Three Colored Kingdoms was completely fucking out of control and decided to destroy the other colored kingdoms. So his first order of business is to take out Buddy Baker.

Good thing Woodrue didn't go after the real Avatar of the Red! Even with her little kitty cat's help, I'm not sure Maxine is ready for this kind of fight.

So Earth would kind of be seriously fucked if Woodrue was the Avatar of the Green while Brother Blood was the Avatar of the Red and Arcane was Avatar of the Gray! But what a glorious Elseworlds Title that would make! Probably something like three times better than Rotworld!

While Woodrue battles Buddy Baker, Alec Holland, Retired Avatar, studies Woodrue's past. Because as a previous Avatar, he gets to know everything Woodrue knows just as Woodrue gets access to all of the memories of past Avatars. So Holland remembers that time at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, when Woodrue met a professor that somehow guessed the mysteries of The Green by reading The Lord of the Rings and other ancient histories. Woodrue believes him because this is a comic book and characters need The Wise Man to tell them things that nobody can easily find out. But this is Reed college and two guys are talking about "The Green Man," so if this weren't a comic book, this entire conversation would really just be them feeling each other out and making sure they're both into pot before they offer each other some chronic herb.

The Professor: "So, Jason, you're interested in plants and consciousness, are you?"
Jason: "Yeah, Prof! Have you ever heard plants thinking?"
The Professor: "Ha ha! That's a theory most people aren't quite ready for. But are you ready to know it?"
Jason: "Fuck yeah! You know it, Pro!"
The Professor: "Have you ever heard of 'The Green Man'?"
Jason: "Have I! You mean like fucking Tom Bombadil and shit right?"
The Professor: "So, you like The Lord of the Rings, do you? Especially the Hobbits and their penchant for smoking?"
Jason: "If only we could become The Green Man, right Professor?"
The Professor: "Say no more, Jason. Say no more. Although, what would you think about becoming The Brown Man?"
Jason: "Whoa whoa whoa! I may party, Prof, but I don't party, if you get my drift."
The Professor: "What? Hunh...oh! No, no! I just meant Hashish!"
Jason: "Fuck yeah! Let's do this shit! Reed College for the win!"
The Professor: "Smoke up, Jason, smoke up. A+, my boy! Now, when you get nice and relaxed and the hash has you groovin' just right, maybe we can really discuss your mistaken version of The Brown Man, hunh my succulent student?"
Jason: "Whatever you say, Prof. Whateeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeeerr ya glarbglarggllleee saaaaa...."

I wonder if Reed will give me a job writing brochures for their college?

After talking with his obviously crazy Professor and seeing one woodcut of a half-man, half-plant creature, Jason Woodrue decided all this bullshit about Plant Avatars must be true because there was so little evidence of it.

And persistence and ignorance of probability eventually pays off!

I wish I lived in a comic book. Then I could think, "My God! There is so much candy in the world! I once heard a person on the street mention that his candy spoke to him, so candy must have consciousness and it probably has a protector! And I've heard of the game Candy Land and of a man called The Candyman! So candy must have a secret world and an Avatar that protects it! I shall now spend the next five years of my life searching for this place!" And in five years time, through persistence and following all the right leads, I will have found the legendary Candyland! Or, if it were real life, I'd be ranting and raving, homeless on the streets and muttering that I was the King of the Candy People!

Back to "reality," Buddy Baker believes Alec Holland has gone nuts when Swamp Thing (Woodrue Version, of course. I just have to explain that because I don't know how stupid you are or if you've actually been paying attention or perhaps, like usual, I just haven't been clear enough) challenges him to a duel. Buddy agrees to the challenge though because he realizes Woodrue wants to destroy the Avatar and Buddy doesn't want this nutcase hurting his daughter.

So they battle while Alec loses himself in more of Woodrue's past. Like when Woodrue went to see Foghorn Leghorn for some additional power.

"I say, I say son, yah got ta take the bull by the man-parts. By the testicles, that is."

Jason Woodrue learns fairly quickly that arrogance is no match for experience. Buddy Baker defeats him handily and flies away. Jason Woodrue is left feeling impotent and embarrassed. He wanted so much to prove his worth to his new boss that he completely fucked up his first assignment. Maybe they weren't watching since he assigned the project to himself. So he decides to take on a challenge that he can feel they care about. He destroys a place clear cutting a large swath of the Amazon Rainforest, killing all the workers while also getting a nice shot for his new Christmas Card. It'll go nicely with this years "Catch Up Everybody I Rarely Talk To But I Desperately Need to Impress with How Much I've Been Living Life End of the Year Letter." This year should be the best since he's finally accomplished the goal he spent years working to accomplish while everybody he knew mocked him and told him he should maybe seriously cut down on the weed.

Swamp Thing #26 Rating: No change. Swamp Thing was just a disembodied voice throughout this comic book! I can't justify a rise in the ranks when all Alec did was Narration Box the entire time! If I didn't like this title so much, that might even be a reason to drop the ranking! Anyway, I'm not sure how much The Swamp Thing can interfere with an Avatar as a member of the Parliament of Trees. If he's even a member! I'm a little bit unclear on that point. But I'm sure he'll learn to manipulate The Seeder and get him to fuck up his job so that The Parliament eventually realizes they've made a huge mistake. I think he'll probably contact Abby and get The Rot to help put down Woodrue.

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