Katana #10

This is my Christmas Present to myself: the final issue of Ann Nocenti's Katana! Merry Christmas everybody! Except for you people that can't stand hearing people say "Merry Christmas!" even if they're just expressing a kindness in your general direction. To you, I say, "Fuck off, motherfucking Scrooge!"

Scrooge was this mean bastard in this book by a guy with a name that always makes me giggle. I wonder why his parents did call him Richard? That would have been the best name. Dick Dickens, Writer! I know acting like nobody knows who Scrooge is is an idiotic statement that isn't even funny so why would I even bother? You're all probably sick to death of Ebenezer's face in its many guises gracing every channel on your television set the last few weeks. I'm not even sure when I last watched the entirety of any version of A Christmas Carol. That's something I should remedy and maybe make an annual Easter tradition.

If I owned a television station, I'd air Moby Dick every Easter. The hunt for the White Whale and the Resurrection of Jesus are kind of similar tales. I just wish the story of Jesus had a character named Queequeg in it.

What was Katana up to last issue, you're probably wondering? Well fuck you! I don't owe you any explanations! Do you think I retained any of that nonsense? Just be glad this comic book is over and you can purge all of your New 52 Katana knowledge because you know this shit will never be spoken of again as soon as DC can escort Ann Nocenti out of their offices.

I should probably stop yelling "Fuck You!" at my readers. Sorry about that. I'm a bit on edge due to the midlife crisis and the stress of passionless small business ownership. You know what's probably a good idea today? Being that it's Christmas and it's a magical day even for Jews and Muslims and Atheists even though none of them actually know it? It's a good day to get drunk! Oh, unless you're Muslim. Sorry. I don't mean to be the fucking devil and tempt you with the deliciousness of falling over and vomiting on the rug only to wake up a few hours later with some shitty Maroon 5 song going on repeat in your head and your friend's dog licking the vomit up while occasionally licking your face. Good times! Why would Allah deny anybody such fun?!

Being that it's only 7:30 in the morning and I will be headed over to the Common-in-Law's house, I probably shouldn't start drinking just yet. But every time I glance at the cover of this Katana comic book, I'm sorely fucking tempted.

Our story begins with a bunch of tattoo artists that are closed during the day but don't bother locking up the shop because they're actually Sword Clan thugs and they're idiots.

But wait! This woman isn't any ordinary flower delivery person! It's Shuntouchable, Mistress of Scarification! And she's come to kill the assholes that tattooed her body with prophecies of the future! They go down in a hail of bullets shouting, "Why didn't we see this coming when we gave her that tattoo of us being gunned down by her?!"

As Shuntouchable unloads on the thugs with her automatic rifle, she speaks 94 words without having to reload. And those words are magical. No, magickal! MAGICKAL! WITH A "K"! You must savor them with me.

Mmm! Mmmm! The sweet, succulent nonsense of money laundered until it's black as chimney soot! SO GOOD!

This is why comic books are so much better than movies! In a movie, Shuntouchable would have kicked down the door and said, "HEY. TATTOO ARTISTS. I INK IT'S TIME TO DIE!" POW POW POW POW DEAD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE SLOW MOTION DIVING HEADS EXPLODING GLASS CRASHING WOOD SPLINTERING DEATH EVERYWHERE! Pause as she reloads and says, "THIS MAY HURT A BIT!" MORE DEATH AND BULLETS AND DESTRUCTION AND SCREAMING AND NOISE. Then when everybody is dead and Shuntouchable is standing there with her smoking gun, she can look around calmly and whisper, "Talk about body modification." Then she would light a cigarette and causally walk out.

Shuntouchable doesn't actually kill the tattoo artists. She just wounds them with every fucking bullet because she's either a really, really good shot with an automatic rifle, or a really, really shitty one. She tells them to let Coil know that she has a special Body Modification Plan for him. Then she takes a moment to remind everybody that Ann Nocenti is writing this book.

LOOKY THAT! L. O. O. K. Y. THAT! And that's not even the part that makes it so Ann Nocenti! That's just added awfulness!

Oh look! A picture that has fallen on the floor during the chaos! I guess I'll simply assume, for whatever fucking reason, that it's The Sword Clan's Logo! Yes, their Logo! Because they're obviously selling a product and branding is essential to that end. And if they have a logo, that must mean they're a club! Oh joy, wouldn't it be fun to join someday?

What the fuck? Why?! What? But! I mean? UGH!

Meanwhile, Katana is in Japantown feeling like she's been in a bad marriage! Because she hasn't slept and she's been fucking her dead husband's brother after giving up on fucking her sword in which her dead husband had been contained until very recently. Plus, like a bad marriage, she's been chasing a wild fucking kid around trying to kill it so that she can prove to her Sword Club (with their new logo!) that she can sink a boat that is making an extreme effort to stay afloat. I've never been in a marriage (good or bad) so I don't know if the analogy is apt or not. I'm just going to assume it is.

But Katana is pulling herself together now! She's finally realizing that she made a mistake somewhere in her past. I think the mistake was not killing Coil when she had him pinned to a tree but what the fuck do I know? Katana believes it's when she decided to partner with Sickle. That's not a bad choice since it's just one of her bad choices she's made. And since all the choices she's made so far have been bad, she really could have chosen any of them. But she also finally figured out something profound about love!

I think she's speaking metaphorically. Oh fuck, please let her be speaking metaphorically.

Oh yeah. She also let Mona Shard get away because she couldn't bring herself to kill a child. I guess that's okay because I'm sure the Mad Samurai will take care of everything for Tatsu.

And then remember everything that was happening before? Forget that. It was all bullshit that might make sense if you give a shit and really cared about skewing reality and pretending words can have negative values and decided to reread the entire series while fucked up on meth but who the fuck would do that? You know, about rereading the series. Not about the meth. Anyway, Junko is a cop and he's been using Katana to help drive the Yakuza underground and destroy the Sword and Dagger clans. But the cops have all that shit under control now. What Junko needs from Katana is for her to kill the Mad Samurai and end this comic book once and for all.

Don't fucking look at me. You figure this shit out.

I think Ann Nocenti had a stroke while scripting this comic book because she uses the phrase, "What, no one ever lied to you before?" three times in as many pages. Maybe she just didn't want us readers to miss it because she's saying it directly to us as we read.

DC Fan Getting Ripped Off By This Shit: "What the fuck? Was it a dream? Why is everything not the same as it was and totally different in a really stupid way? This is bullshit!"
Ann Nocenti: "What, no one ever lied to you before?"

So, Thrust (remember him? He liked to kill with his erect phallus) has given Shuntouchable the list of all the tattoo artists that worked on her so she could go around giving them tiny little bullet scars all over their bodies. Now he's led her to Coil although he didn't know she was going to bring a machine gun to the fight. But then, no one has ever lied to him before. He takes off so she can get down to business but not before saying one of my favorite Ann Nocenti Character Speeches so far:

There has to be a mathematical formula for writing Ann Nocenti Dialogue. Something like X + Y = Z but written in an analogous yet convoluted way. So a normal writer would write "X + Y = Z" while Ann Nocenti writes "Z - Y + Z - X = X + Y -2Z + 2(X + Y)".

Katana goes off to hunt down the Mad Samurai who is preparing for war. But first she must learn to stop a bullet by fighting with a falcon. While she does that, Shuntouchable decides to tattoo "LIAR" across Coil's face because his tongue is his actual weapon. He should be called Tongue and not Coil. But Katana arrives to stop her! It's a good thing Katana learned how to stop a bullet by fighting that bird because Shuntouchable is using a gun! Wow! It's all coming together in the shittiest way possible!

Also, one of the tattoo artists earlier mentioned a How-To Video about stopping bullets with his sword. Just so the reader would be prepared for Katana learning the technique by fighting a bird so that she could use it against Machine Gun Shuntouchable.

When do we learn this entire series has been a dream?

Like all good gun salesmen, the one that sold the assault rifle to Shuntouchable told her a joke! It was about people who live by swords dying by bullets! This made Shuntouchable realize that all jokes were true! Especially the one about Jesus seeing Peter's house. That one is the truest of them all. But Katana has a joke for Shuntouchable! It's a good joke! A very good joke!

And it's true because the gun seller lied to Shuntouchable about his joke. What, no one ever lied Shuntouchable before?

After Shuntouchable is down and out and Coil is still nearly crippled and the possessed bird is still flying around like a fucknut, The Mad Samurai who is now a twenty foot tall Sumo Wrestler comes crashing through the forest to defeat Katana! And he almost does! (Not really.) But Katana is saved (not really) when the spirit riding the Falcon decides to ride the Mad Sumo Wrestler! And, SURPRISE, it's Maseo! Katana is able to kill the Mad Sumo Wrestler with her Soultaker sword and thus absorb the souls of both The Mad Samurai and her husband at the same time! Proving that her husband actually does love her! For some reason! Plus Ann Nocenti finishes strong on another really good joke where the Sumo Wrestler (who hasn't been killed because, I guess, the Soultaker now only stabs souls riding mortals and doesn't actually hurt the mortal somehow) says, "I'm so hungry." Because he's fat! Get it?!

Oh, well, that isn't the exact end. I really wish it was though! I'd rather she ended on a "sumo wrestlers are fat" joke instead of this final page that I will leave you with. I won't say another word after this. I've had my say. You know my opinion about this comic book. It was awful. I'm almost certain we can bring a class action lawsuit against DC for selling this garbage as entertainment. Do you really think they can find a single witness that will admit to liking this drivel? Not a fucking chance! Anyway, on to the Final Ranking and the last page.

Katana #10 Rating: No change because what's worse than Eleventy Billion?! That's the lowest number there is!

If you think there were any other loose ends or inconsistent plot developments, you're probably just remembering incorrectly. Go have some eggnog. You'll be fine.