Batman #26

Idiot. Owls stand on finger bones. Bats hang from them.

Last issue, Bruce Wayne was stabbed in the neck with a syringe by Lucius Fox because Lucius isn't a good friend. Or else maybe there are other reasons, super secret comic book reasons, why Lucius knocked out Bruce Wayne with Knock Out Juice. Maybe he was actually saving Bruce Wayne's life because he knew Dr. Death was lurking in the shadows. That's probably the most probable of all the reasons although it's still Zero Year in this comic book, so maybe Lucius Fox just doesn't really know Bruce Wayne that well. But I'm sure Fox was just helping in a really strange and inappropriate way.

Well, that explains that. Fox injected Wayne with a vaccine which has to be delivered in a solution of Ether and Ketamine. See? He was saving Bruce! And everybody thought Lucius Fox had gone evil! Well, I mean, nobody actually thought that at all so it was kind of a weird cliffhanger to end on. Sort of if Alfred had slipped some Rufies into Bruce's tea and the issue ended with Alfred undressing Bruce and leering. Everybody would immediately not think, "Oh my God! Alfred is going to rape Bruce!" They'd just think, "Hmm, Alfred must have a perfectly good reason for this and it's going to save Batman's life."

Doctor Death is super excited that Bruce Wayne dropped by because he has a great big secret to tell him about something that happened a long time ago! So it's probably either about Bruce's parents or Jesus. Also, Doctor Death probably should have taken a name more evocative of his powers like The Bone Man, or Titties Bonerificus, or The Fluffer. Personally I like The Fluffer.

Speaking of fluffers, did y'all know that Build-a-Bear Workshop has a station with a sign hanging over it that says, "Fluff Me"? A picture of me in my trench coat with my arms spread out like a Christ figure while standing under that sign was the original header picture for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. That was long before it became my New 52 Blog. Then it was just random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wanted to read. Now, it's random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wants to read but they slog through it anyway so they can stay current on DC's characters without having to give money to a company that doesn't give a shit about its fans. Also, I think some people read it for the occasional dick joke. They're all high-brow dick jokes, of course! I wouldn't debase myself with common or vulgar jokes about phalluses.

Some people might think my "Titties Bonerificus" joke is just low brow pablum but that's because they just don't understand how it's a call back to Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus which is all about an impotent man just trying to get his boner back. Or maybe I was just thinking about Damian's dog and erections. Bruce Wayne was stripping off his belt at the time and I'm only fucking human.

Bruce manages to suck Doctor Death through a jet engine but it just isn't enough to keep The Bone Man down.

Doctor Bonertime should market this serum to gorillas to increase the size of the bone in their penis! How do you send spam email to gorillas?

Bruce's skull is almost crushed but he's saved by the Commissioner ex Machina. Mostly by the Commissioner ex Machina's gun. Seriously though. Where did Gordon come from? Is he following Bruce? I wouldn't blame him. Bruce has been acting pretty crazy since he's come back to Gotham.

Later, Gordon and Bruce have a rational discussion about the past and discuss the possibility of working with each other in the future. They both decide that maybe now isn't the right time to start a partnership and Bruce leaves Jim on amicable terms.

Okay, okay. What really happened is that Bruce flipped the fuck out, told Gordon to shove himself up his own asshole, and then walked out of the hospital with a fractured skull.

The issue ends with Batman being shot up by the Gotham Police at the scene of yet another boner inducing catastrophe.

Batman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. Seriously. What the fuck is up with this comic book right now? It just feels like not a lot is happening and I've just got next to nothing to say about it. Plus I really fucking dropped the ball and stopped paying attention to the page count on DC's $3.99 Comics at some point. This is the second time I've paid attention to it and instead of being 20 pages with an 8 page back-up feature, they've now become 22 pages with silky glossy covers. Fuck the gloss covers, bitches! Give me back my longer stories! I suppose all of the intrigue about Batman's past is interesting, like what the fuck is going on in the desert with Bruce Wayne locked in a big metal ball in some underground cavern while he receives a phone call from his long dead father? But it would be more interesting if I were reading this story arc all in one sitting instead of having to get these tiny little tantalizing moments from month to month so that I'll completely forget how they all fit together by the time they make any sense.

Anyway, -1 Ranking doesn't mean it's a fucking bad comic book. It just means it's not doing the shit that needs to be done to me to retain the top two spot overall. Where's the butt play? The nipple sucking? Why isn't it trying to get its tongue straight up my urethra? Come on, Batman! Let's get this party going!