Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Detective Comics #26

What has Batman heard that is so funny? Did he hear a good joke? Tell the good joke to me, Batman!

It has been a long time since the people of Gotham City had a good laugh. Perhaps today is the day for jokes! Is this a Man-bat story? Man-bat is always good for a laugh! He is a man but he is also a bat! That is pretty funny when you think about how Batman is a man but is not a bat at all!

Tonight in Gotham City, it is night. Four kids are out exploring an old cave. One of the kids says, "I know a joke about a cave!" One of the other kids says, "Go on then! Tell us! Tell us the good joke!" The first kid says, "When Jesus died, his body was placed in a cave and Peter rolled a big rock in front of it to keep out the coyotes. As Peter was walking away, he heard a faint cry. 'Peter! Peter!' Peter thought, 'That cannot be Jesus for Jesus is dead with a wound in his side! And even if he is alive, that boulder was very heavy and I will not be rolling it away from the entrance today.' So Peter went home. On the second day, Peter walked up to the cave to make sure the coyotes didn't dig their way in. As he was looking about, he heard the voice again! 'Peter! Peter!' I think I might have contracted schizophrenia from that prostitute, he worried. He ran off to have the doctor look at his junk to make sure he wasn't crazy. The third day, Peter wandered back to the cave because the doctor said he could not have contracted schizophrenia from that prostitute since Peter did not know her because he did not have enough silver. He was wishing he had been the one to kiss Jesus when he heard the voice again! 'Peter! Peter!' By golly, thought Peter, I know I hear that now! I guess I have to move that rock! So Peter pushed and he pushed and finally the boulder rolled away revealing an empty cave! The coyotes must have gotten Jesus! But then Peter heard Jesus from above him and he looked up to see Jesus rising up to heaven. Jesus looked down and said, 'Peter! Peter! I could not see your house from in there!'" The kid finished his joke and waited. The other kids waited for the first kid to finish his joke. The first kid said, "That was the end of the joke." The other kids said, "Oh! Ha ha! Yes. That was funny!" Then the most popular kid says, "Look at this! This is not a joke! This is the Batcave! I mean, the Bat-cave! I forgot to hyphenate it the first time! Hyphens are very important. They help you know if your bride was a virgin or not. That is important to some people for some reason. But it is not important to us kids because we are probably going to do it inside of the Bat-cave. It is probably a dare that we have made!"

This boy is smart. He practically knows that Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Inside the Bat-cave, the kids find graffiti and beer cans and bones and premature death. It is not funny at all. If it were caught on video, it would not win ten thousand dollars. It would not even win five dollars.

In the Gotham Mortuary, Batman's Hologram listens as Commissioner Gordon tells Batman all of the places they have found the bones of dead teenagers. "We are finding them everywhere, Batman. Why are you not stopping it? I should arrest you as an accessory to murder since you are not stopping the murders!" Jim shouts.

Batman says, "This is not the last page of the first issue of Batgirl, Jim. I am a good guy. I am trying just as hard as you are to stop people from being killed. In fact, I am trying even harder because I am The Batman."

"You are right," concedes Commissioner Gordon. "I do not know what came over me. I should not have threatened you; I should have told you about the clue we found."

"A clue! Why did you not tell me about the clue!?" interrogates Batman.

"Because the clue was actually more than a clue! It was a witness that said Man-bat is behind it all!" explained Jim incorrectly.

"A-ha! I knew it must have been Man-bat! Or The Joker! But I was like 60% sure it was The Man-bat! That Kirk Langstrom is always up to no good! I, Bru...The Batman, shall catch him and find out if he or his beautiful wife is behind the deaths!"

"Good luck with that...oh, he is gone! That is always surprising to me! I should maybe not smoke so much pot anymore," explained Jim Gordon.

"Ah! It is the Man-bat!" giggles Batman. "I do not know why I find him so funny! He is wearing pants!"

Batman decides to play a good joke on Man-bat. Batman sees that Man-Bat has big ears! That means he can hear things extra loudly. So Batman plays a loud song at Man-Bat and Man-Bat falls from the sky unconscious because it is such a good joke. Although Batman decides the joke might not be so funny if he winds up in jail for manbatslaughter, so Batman flies out of his plane and catches Man-Bat. Batman says, "Can you not take a joke? I was only teasing!"

Man-Bat does not find Batman funny at all so he tries to bite him in the face. That kind of body language is universal for "You are an unfunny twat." Batman realizes he needs to work on his material, so he says, "Have you heard the one about the masturbating defenestrator?"

"He came through the window!"

"No? You do not find that one funny either, Man-Bat?" responds Batman to Man-Bat's claw attack. Man-Bat is the worst kind of heckler. He thinks he is funnier than Batman but he is not. He is a hack who stole Batman's whole act! You can tell he stole Batman's act because of his name, Man-Bat. Can you see the similarity?

Three hours before Batman's set, he told a secret to Alfred Pennyworth, his butler. The secret was this: all of the teenagers were killed by flying piranha bats. "We should warn the people of Gotham City!" screamed Alfred calmly. "No, no. We cannot do that yet, Alfred." "Why not, Master Bruce?!" "Because," answered Batman, "I am still working on the material. Flying Piranha Bats makes a good punchline but I need the perfect setup!" "That makes sense," said Alfred who is probably suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Three hours after that, Batman sings a Bat-Lullaby and Kirk Langstrom becomes human again. He says, "My wife did it!" Batman says, "We must stop her! But first, have you ever heard of Flying Piranha Bats?" "Is that a joke?" asks Man-Bat. "Umm, yes, never mind. Forget I said that because you have already stolen enough of my material. Let us go punch your wife in the bat tits now. That should stop her because bat tits are very sensitive." "Yes, they are," responds Kirk as he rubs his nipples carefully.

"No wonder he steals from me," thinks Batman. "His material is so weak."

Batman and Kirk Langstrom decide to explore the Bat-Cave. Not Batman's Bat-Cave! That is the Batcave! Without the hyphen! This Bat-Cave is the one that the popular kid and his friends died in. Unless they are not dead yet! But how could they survive the Flying Piranha Bats? Nobody can withstand that joke. Not at all. Even Batman has a hard time keeping a straight face when he finally hears the complete joke.

"Ha ha! That name is even dumber than Man-Bat's name! Ha ha! Also, she is wearing pants! Ha ha!"

Kirk Langstrom's plan fails just like Batman knew it would. But Batman had a secret joke that he would not tell Kirk so that Kirk would not steal it. Batman's joke worked! Batman's joke defeated The Bat Queen! Batman's joke was thi...Who the fuck is that?

Is this that Stephanie Brown person? Where the fuck did she come from? Hide your face, Bruce! Hide your face right now!

Detective Comics #26 Rating: Are you fucking kidding me? This was a Man-Bat comic book! I hate Man-Bat! I will not lower myself to give a rating to this comic book! I mean, it wasn't bad or anything. And it had a topless woman-bat! But it had Man-Bat! Ugh! What a jerk. Although I never really hated Man-Bat until every other pack of Heroclix had one of his figures in it when the DC Heroclix first came out.

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