The Phantom Stranger #14

Can you find all the sexual imagery and innuendo on this cover?

You've got the anus represented by the eclipse. Zauriel has a flaming phallus as well as the word "sodomy" encoded in his shoulder pad. The Phantom Stranger is getting fucked from behind plus his name has "strange" in it. The number 52 is a sexual position where two people don't know what they're doing. Trinity of Sin is another name for a threesome. The material at Nightmare Nurse's waste is gathered in such a way as to spell out "rimbjob" if you squint hard enough and have faith. The Nightmare Nurse's thong is showing. John Constantine is thinking about sticking his cock in the back of The Phantom Stranger's head because he's totally into Sexual Position #52. Zauriel's wings are tinted red, so he's got his red wings. The punctuation in the title is called a "colon." They are standing on a Pentagram and Pentagram literally means five penises forming an asshole. Dematteis's initials stand for "jizz master." "The Stranger" is a masturbation technique. "The Phantom Stranger" is a paranormal masturbation technique. And that's all that I can see! If only I knew what the female secret place looked like, I might be able to find more!

I'm sure y'all can point out the ones I missed! Although I didn't actually miss them! I just want to give you a chance to find them and then I'll say, "Yep. Yep. I saw that one too. Good eye!"

Last issue, The Phantom Stranger and his best friends forever, The Question and Pandora, found themselves kidnapped by John Constantine and the Mini-Justice League Dark. I bet he spends most of this issue angry and whining.

Oh look! He doesn't disappoint!

"Waa! Waa! Waa! You have no right! You can't do this! This goes against the very nature of nature!" Boo fucking hoo, you stupid twat. Maybe you should have thought about some of these consequences before sucking face with Jesus Christ for some spare fucking silver!

So John Constantine hates to kill a few goats (which is what really makes me angry. Couldn't he have used dogs?!) but he hardly thinks twice when he has to sacrifice one of his best friends. Real winner, that chap. I hope he gets lung cancer. Again!

Apparently John didn't sacrifice enough goats because the Trinity of Sin escape from their shackles after about two minutes of captivity. I bet he would have gotten better results if he'd have used dogs.

The two groups brawl but it doesn't last long before The Phantom Stranger stops everyone so that he can suck the truth of their kidnapping out of Constantine's mind.

That's a lot of shit I don't have to summarize.

The Phantom Stranger finishes the thought with, "You failed." Well duh he failed! That's why he called on your crabby ass! He needs you to save Zatanna the world! Now fall in line or he's going to tell Dog on you!

Meanwhile, Dr. Thirteen loses his sidekick, Chris Hope. Instead of hanging around with the pervert Terrence Thirteen, Chris the Babysitter had decided to go home. But first he has to take a nap and be possessed by the Blight. Well, it's a job and I don't think he's going to be getting anymore babysitting gigs after his last couple of kids were murdered and sent to Hell.

The Phantom Stranger tries to walk away from Constantine but The House of Mystery is John's buddy and it's not letting The Stranger go so easily. It sends him to the Golgotha Room where The Stranger has to face the reality of Jesus seeing Peter's house.

That's what I've been telling him for fourteen issues now, Pandora! He doesn't fucking listen.

I think Judas was punished because he set all that shit in motion that got Christianity up and running. God had probably just sent Jesus down for summer camp and then he got all wrapped up in the Jewish fight for freedom and their own land when he was supposed to simply just be learning how to make a nice chest for his dad to keep his holy shit in.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles where we hardly ever get to see super heroes, Black Lightning watches his buddy, Blue Devil, sucked down into Hell by a gang of demons. Or a demon gang. Whatever. I'm sure it will be important later!

The House of Mystery returns The Stranger and Pandora to John's fake Rock of Eternity/Foyer so that he can agree to help them on his own terms.

The passing of the coin along to Asa is a really nice and interesting touch. And what will it portend for the future, the coin being in The Nightmare Nurse's hands?

Back at Terrence Thirteen's place, The Blight has finished possessing Chris the Babysitter. What that means is that Chris the Babysitter, now Chris the Blight, looks like a medieval douchebag covered in scales and bone armor. Chris the Blight figures it's time to punish Constantine for attacking him in the nice, cozy recesses of the collective unconscious. He smashes into The House of Mystery, causing it to crash into the bay along with the Mini-Justice League Dark.

The Phantom Stranger #14 Rating: +4 Ranking. This comic book made me feel things for Constantine and The Stranger that I haven't been feeling lately. Much the same way that Charles Soule has made me feel about the Swamp Thing. I'm beginning to care for some of DC's Rebooted characters! It's only taken about two years for me to get emotionally attached to some of them and, I admit, it's not many. There's Tig and Nightmare Nurse and Naomi and Alysia and Swamp Thing and Constantine and Wesley Willis and Damian Wayne and Socks and Mera and Aquadog and Mouse and several dozen of Mouse's rats and Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham and Captain Cold and The Folded Man and Abby Arcane and Power Girl and The Huntress and Kate Kane and Bette Kane and Mr. Bones and Maggie Sawyer and Agent Gunn and Agent Gunn's husband and Black Orchid and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and Dyrge and Supergirl and Silver Banshee and Bleez and Guy Gardner and the Anguished Fat Guy and The Mad Hatter and Dick Grayson and Deadshot and The Butcher of Gotham and Ugly Cat and Lobo and Twat Lobo and Jenny Freedom and Doctor Thirteen (the older one!) and Midnighter and Dex-Starr and I think that's all.