Catwoman #25

A brief respite from Ann Nocenti! Thank you, Baby Lord Jesus on High! Or Ganesha, more likely. That's the problem with a miracle. How the hell are you supposed to know which god granted it? It would be arrogant to purport to know!

At first, it might seem like a midwinter miracle getting to read Catwoman written by somebody other than Ann Nocenti. But when you work it through, you realize it's simply torture. It's feeding us that tiny morsel of hope that maybe someday Catwoman will be worth reading, allowing us to believe that the day will come when this comic book will wind up in a storage box instead of the litter box. They are giving us hope just to squelch it and throw it back in our faces next month when Nocenti comes back and the characters start acting like a person three days into ignoring their stroke symptoms. DC is saying: "This is what we could be giving you. A literate story by a capable writer. Instead, we ask that you lie back and open wide as we fill your gaping maw, cover your eagerly seeking tongue, with foul excrement and our disdain. Thank you for being our loyal customers, Catwoman fans."

I don't even know if John Layman is going to tell an interesting story or not! I simply know this is going to be the best Catwoman story in over a year.

Six years ago, Selina Kyle was ziplining across the skies of Gotham to crash a party full of well-to-do Gotham socialites. Instead of Narration Boxing why she's doing it, she continually Narration Boxes that she doesn't know why she's doing it. I'm fairly certain she actually knows why and she hasn't been brainwashed by The Mad Hatter because she's not wearing a hat. So she's really just surprised at herself for going through with whatever fool notion she's decided to act upon. I suppose she has some orphan friends who need some shit to prepare for the coming storm and she's decided to go steal that shit from the Richies. But they don't want to give up any of their stuff, so they have a couple of armed poor people on their payroll ready to shoot anybody that tries to sneak in to partake of free finger foods and champagne.

And just as Selina is about to be shot on a rooftop trying to crash the party, it feels like a good time for a flashback to twenty four hours ago.

Or maybe just earlier in the day.

Selina Kyle has recently grown partial to swiping things. This has begun to get her in trouble as seen in the previous two panels I scanned where she's being chased by cops and where she's being shot at. Oh, did I only scan one of those? Well then you'll just have to take my word for it, won't you? I did describe how people were shooting at her. But that's still just hearsay, isn't it? Well, you'll believe me if I say the thugs for the rich people were smarter than the Gotham Cops, right? No? You want proof?

I wonder if Larson is really super stupid and would shoot at the cat if he wasn't warned or if Not-Larson just thinks he's that moronic? I bet Not-Larson is just pleased as Punch that he's so incredibly perceptive, what with the ability to tell the difference between a woman and a cat. I capitalized "Punch" because I figure that saying has to do with Punch and Judy and not the kind of punch you spike at parties. I could be wrong but fuck if I'm going to ask Lord Google about it. I hate that know-it-all. This was a pretty long caption, wasn't it?

Selina gets away thanks to her new friend, Ugly Cat Before Ugly Cat Was Ugly. Unless it's Isis. Maybe it's just a stray that she'll never talk to again and it will die lonely of a broken heart and Feline Leukemia. But mostly from the Feline Leukemia.

Selina tries to sell the mountain climbing gear that was in the backpack to her fence and friend, Lola, who will die in about five years because Selina Kyle has no concept of "consequences" or "thinking ahead" or "the future." She just flies by the gorgeous seat of her super tight pants, stealing whatever she wants from whomever she wants and fucking any guy in a bat costume. At least, she will do all of that stuff! But right now, she's just learning how to get wildly out of control.

Later when Selina goes to get some food from her local grocer that she's known for years, some rich guy named Arnett Whalescrotum comes in and forces the owner to sell everything to him so he can throw a party. In spite of herself, and because she's practicing to spin out of control by making rash and imprudent decisions concerning her life, she stands up to the thugs by slashing one of them in the face with her fingernails. The guy punches her in the nose and takes all of the groceries anyway. But that explains why Selina needs to get into that party in eight hours and some minutes! She's going to teach Mr. Whalescrotum some lesson about being selfish or mean or something. It's hard to know exactly since I really don't know what Mr. Whalescrotum did wrong! He paid for the stuff! Those other people should have had more money and power and well-paid thugs if they wanted some food and medicine to help them survive the coming storm! Idiots should have planned ahead.

Um, so, anyway, she's infiltrated the party now and turning the heads of some of Gotham's criminal elite. Or soon to be criminal elite. Zero year!

I'm enjoying Lopresti's art. Has he not been around since JLI? Oh no! He did Amethyst as well! Now that was a great looking comic. Not to take anything away from Rafa Sandoval though! I like his look on the book. I've also been under the mistaken impression Rafa was female for some reason. I guess every other time I've known someone named Rafa Sandoval, they've been female. I just realized, just now, that I didn't know if Rafa was male or female and resorted to asking Lord Google about it. Lord Google said, "He's a dudebro! Fuck, you're stupid." Argh! I hate Lord Google so much!

Once inside the party, Selina instantly gets into trouble and thugs are ordered to kill her. But Selina doesn't die easily. It's like she's got six lives or something. She fights back with a whip she stole from a lion tamer in one of Whalescrotum's sex rooms. After taking out Whalescrotum and his thugs, she robs the fucker blind and heads back to her neighborhood with supplies to help everyone survive the storm.

Catwoman #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think I was supposed to learn some stuff about Catwoman this issue, like how everything she does causes people around her to use cat analogies. Or maybe that she's a thief with a heart of gold, a burglar with a kind soul, a robber that must fucking smell like fish or taste like cheese or be in heat because cats seem really attracted to her. I'm also really attracted to her therefore I must be a cat.