Monday, December 30, 2013

Batman and Two-Face #26

OMG! Batman IS Two-Face! I knew the whole Bruce Wayne thing was a sham.

So in previous issues of Batman and Robin, a really convoluted plot was taking place involving Two-Face and Erin McKillbody and Bruce Wayne and Matches Malone and Commissioner Gordon and the Batsignal and Batman and Harvey Dent. But not Robin. Which is why the comic book isn't called Batman and Robin anymore. Somebody at DC really needs to fix that already!

What the fuck am I saying? When have I ever wanted more Robin?! I must be in a really fragile place. I wonder which corner would be the best to cry in?

No, no! I won't give in to the pure bliss of despair brought on by the understanding and acceptance of the finality of death and an empty package of Oreo Cookies. We must continue the daily struggle of existence no matter how difficult it may seem! Well, I guess we don't have to. Which is why I recommend everybody should own fish. Because then no matter how much you may want it to end, you'll always have that last niggling thought in the back of your mind: "But who's going to feed the fish?" And then you realize, they're just fish. They won't live forever. You can probably tough it out until the fish die before flushing yourself down the toilet. And by the time the fish do die, you'll probably have a much cheerier outlook on life. Or, at the very least, more fish.

Actually, I would never own fish. To me, the amount of work they take to keep alive versus the amount of payoff they give back to me is the worst fun to work ratio in the world of pet ownership. Cats have the highest fun to work ratio because they practically take care of themselves. You can't think "Who will feed the cat?" to keep yourself from committing suicide because after you die, guess what? You'll still be feeding the cat! Nasty little monsters!

I just looked at my cats and scowled, "Don't you dare eat Daddy!"

I almost opened the comic book to begin reading and my first thought was, "I wonder if Bruce Wayne and Erin McKilleverbody have had sex yet?"

Hmm. According to this page, they might have just?

Erin doesn't appreciate being sprung from prison and forced to live in a gigantic mansion with great food and surly butler service. She'd rather take her chances in Gotham facing off against Harvey Dent and whatever stupid goons have decided that a life of crime as a madman's underling is better than welfare and unemployment or a job at Taco Bell.

There's a flashback that back flashes even further back than the previous bashflackers. This time Shannon McKillagain gets her first on-panel appearance. I think. Anyway, she and her sister (remember her? Erin!) are in jail serving a 25 to life sentence and they believe it's because Harvey Dent did some unethical and illegal things during the case. Not pedophilia or credit card fraud! But some lawyer thing that lawyers aren't allowed to do with other lawyers. Sodomy, maybe? Short story shorter, Erin wants revenge! I wonder if she'll get it?

Oh yeah! She does! These stories being told backwards leave me so confused!

But Shannon and Erin come up with a plan so they can escape prison!

Although only one of them gets to do it alive.

It seems they could have come up with a better plan than one of them killing themselves to cause a distraction. Perhaps the guard that is helping them to escape, the one whose son needs a life-saving surgery, needs an organ which is why one of them had to die to be a donor. Otherwise I'd try a few other plans first like smearing feces on the wall or pretending my head is stuck in the toilet.

As the story continues, I see what's going on. They're twins! Erin is going to escape in a body bag! Hmm, I still would have tried some other things first.

Erin leaves Wayne Manor but not before Bruce Wayne tells her that story about the wolves fighting in the dream and the feeding of the one over the other. Oh, you know the story! You've probably seen it going about Facebook at some point in the last few years. That's probably where Bruce heard it. Alfred posted it on his wall on his Facebook page with a note, "Good thing you were rich enough to feed both, right Master Bruce? LOL!"

Once Erin leaves Wayne Manor (with Battracking Signal, of course!), her cousin betrays her and leaves her at Harvey's wife's grave. Where Harvey is waiting for her. Why can't these two just call it even?! Shannon's dead, Gilda's dead, both of their lives are in complete shambles. Does everybody have to have the last word? You know what Gandhi said: "Everybody having to have the last word leaves the whole word speechless." Or something. Maybe it was something else about eyes. And maybe it was Marilyn Monroe or Buddha who said it.

This is exactly like the alternate ending to Of Mice and Men where George gives up Lenny to the angry mob because he didn't learn the shoot your own dog lesson!

That "VRRRRR" at the end of the page must mean that The Goddamned Batman is arriving! Even though he ordered the Batcycle to go into "silent running." I guess it can only keep silent before it can't contain itself anymore.

Batman arrives in time to keep Two-Face from being gunned down by all of Keiron's men. Batman manages to defeat them all (of course he does!) while pinning Erin to a tree and Two-Face to a statue. But Two-Face pulls out the comic book physics and blasts the marble statue in half with his machine gun allowing himself to escape and causing the statue to fall on Batman, trapping him in a grave. Now that only Erin and Two-Face are left, I suppose they'll be talking out their problems next issue.

Batman and Two-Face #26 Rating: No change. All these advertisements for the Arrow television show composed of topless men with amazing bodies keep fooling me into thinking that the Milk: It Does a Body Good ad campaign is back. I suppose it's better than the television show stealing that other, ubiquitous milk ad campagin: Got Arrow? Or maybe, Got Loser? Got Boring Ass Fuckturd With A Bow And Arrow? I have yet to watch the show although it is on my Netflix Queue (along with about 499 other shows and movies) but I just don't know if I can bring myself to watch it. I just can't accept my Ollie without the stupid facial hair! I know he's much younger in the show but it takes place in Seattle, right?! And Seattle is just like Portland except sexier and in better shape, right? And just about every young idiot here in Portland has stupid fucking facial hair! So come on, Ollie! Get to growing that shit!

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