All Star Western #25

Why isn't this a Zero Year tie-in?

Last issue, Jonah Hex had found himself at Burning Man with John Constantine and a whole passel of demons. Booster Gold was still nowhere to be seen. But he's got to come back at some point to slingshot Jonah back into the past. Doesn't he?

I think Randall Flagg is behind this.

So this is why people love going to Burning Man! Because you get to be possessed by demons and then shot in the face by a time traveling gunslinger! I totally thought it was all about drugs, sex, and sunburned genitalia! I mean, all about art and living free without any judgments! Because there are plenty of judgments to be made once you get back and stop interacting with all the brainwashed people that have never been to Burning Man because they just don't fucking get it, man.

Jonah and Gina begin blasting away at the possessed revelers and I have to wonder if the cover is because he's been arrested for slaughtering all the festival participants. You know, some day this same kind of thing is going to happen at one of those Zombie Crawls. All it takes is one schizophrenic with a shotgun that believes he's saving the world and you'll have one of the worst massacres of all time. And the guy arrested for it will simply think he's a hero.

Constantine ditches Jonah Hex and Gina because they don't know magic and why waste a couple of decent pieces of bait to distract the demons while you slip away to deal with the real threat? And it's not like Jonah Hex hasn't proven that he can take care of himself. But Jonah and Gina decide to follow Constantine anyway because if he dies, what the fuck are they going to do? They eventually find him having a discussion with the head demon about the finer points of casting spells.

Constantine's favorite position: seemingly completely beaten. He always works his best magic when his life is hanging by a thread.

After typing that caption and then turning the page, I think I'll allow myself to go up another Comic Book Reader Level!

Level Up! I'm now an Initiate Comic Book Reader!

The demon likes what he sees in Jonah Hex, what with all the killing he's done across time and space. So it looks into his soul and discovers something that perplexes him. He mentions Jonah Hex is "his agent." Being DC Comics doesn't have lower case in their fonts, I can't tell if the "his" should be capitalized or not. That would certainly ruin the mystery of who he means though! The demon finishes by saying, "The hex on all sinners," so it sounds like Jonah certainly might be doing the work of God. Not Jesus though because if Hex had to kill sinners, he'd really just have to hunt down Jesus because Jesus died for all of our sins so we don't have to pay the price of a bullet in our brain.

While the demon is distracted, Constantine stabs it with a magic soul sucking blade and traps it. There sure are a lot of soul sucking blades in fiction!

Constantine takes a closer look at Hex after the demon is gone and seems to think Lucifer is the person pulling Hex's strings. I guess that makes sense too since God is fucking around with The Phantom Stranger. I hope Jonah winds up facing off against The Phantom Stranger!

Afterward, the group settles down to discuss things. Hex wants to return to the past and Constantine thinks he might have a way to do it if he can gather together The Swamp Thing and The House of Secrets. Maybe the House of Secrets. Well, he needs a Crooked House anyway. But first, summoning Swamp Thing!

I guess this is the ritual. Make plans to fuck while holding freshly picked flowers. The Swamp Thing must be a Peeper!

Swamp Thing grows up out of the desert and asks Jonah and Gina if they are friends of Constantine. Jonah seems to answer the question correctly by not saying yes. Gina mentions what they need and Swamp Thing confirms that the house they're looking for is The House of Secrets. But before Swamp Thing can help them, he decides to go have his own Swamp Thing adventure as he scours the desert for a strange presence. He finds a purple flower whose pollen invades the Swamp Thing who turns on Hex and Gina with his new Purple Plasma Power Fingers. And, well, that's the end. No more back-up stories! I can deal with that.

All Star Western #25 Rating: No change. Jonah Hex has really put his foot in it now that he's ensconced in the magic side of DC Comics. He'll never be the same now that he's found out he's one of Lucifer's Sainted Killers. And now he's rubbing elbows with Constantine and Swamp Thing and searching for the House of Secrets? Now maybe he's weird enough to join the 19th century version of Stormwatch when he gets back to the past!