Earth 2 #18

This is what my house in Oblivion looked like.

In Oblivion, I gathered up every skull I could find from the beginning of the game and dropped it inside my house. So anytime I walked around my house, skulls would fly up in all directions as I waded through them. In Morrowind (which I played on the PC and thus had a much easier time placing items on surfaces in the direction I wanted them to face), I squatted in the house where the guy was afraid to go back into his home because the basement was haunted. In that house, every surface was covered by those black statues with the red eyes. I probably spent more time decorating than solving quests.

But this isn't a blog about Computer Games even though I'd probably rather have a blog about computer games because I really like playing computer games. This is a blog about comic books! And it's time to talk about Earth 2 and New Batman!

The World Army has been dismantled by Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!) and all of Earth 2's Wonders are wondering how the hell they're going to stop Superman.

That's probably not it. That was, of course, Jay Garrick's plan. I said "of course" because Jay Garrick is an idiot in a horrible fucking costume.

Meanwhile Batman is in the basement looking to free three specific villains from stasis. He's interrupted by Lois Tornado who calls him Bruce because she's just recently back from the dead, so she doesn't know this Batman is a mystery man. Also trying to stop Batman is Major Sato of the World Army. But Batman being Batman (even if he's not Batman), he deflects all attempts to stop him and releases his first super villain.

Aquaman?

It's probably not actually Aquaman since Aquaman has nothing to do with Superman. But Lori Lemaris does! She has the Double "L" name that's so important to Superman! Plus she has a history with him. Maybe. This is The New 52 and Earth 2 so I really don't know what the fuck is actually going on. But if it is Lori, Lois Tornado is probably going to get super jealous. How dare Batman's plan be to seduce Superman when that was General Lane's plan!

Superman decides to merely cripple The Flash because Darkseid might be able to transform him into a horrible monster. Superman also wants to take Michael Holt (Mister Terrific!) and Terry Sloan (The original Mister Terrific! Now Mister 8 or something) back to Apokolips. It probably seems like a good idea, taking the smartest people on Earth 2 prisoner. But in reality, Superman should probably kill these guys because they're going to be the ones to figure out how to defeat Darkseid and his minions once and for all. Unless Batman thinks up a scheme first.

Speaking of Batman, he's just now releasing the second super villain on his list.

Oh! Aquawoman! I should have realized that the breasts were a clue.

So Superman's pal breathes information. He's taken the name "Accountable" and has become a whistleblower against the World Army. I suppose with this great cast of blasts from Superman's past, the next villain to be released will be Lex Luthor. Unless New Batman is Lex Luthor! No, no. Even on Earth 2, I can't see Lex Luthor engaging in the same kind of badassery that The Goddamned Batman engages in. He might be smart, but he's not going to take a kick to the face without completely losing his cool.

Jimmy Olsen sniffs Major Sato's phone and catches up on all the world events, even the one that is just now happening: Parademons are pouring out of the fire pits all across the globe. Looks like Darkseid's back-up plan to gain Earth is in full swing. If only Batman and Superman hadn't destroyed that mega-weapon all those years ago during their big adventure with Alternate Earth Superman and Alternate Earth Goddamned Batman. After everybody realizes how extremely fucked they all are, Batman points out the last criminal he came for: The Joker.

Well then. Who the fuck is this new Batman anyway?!

Earth 2 #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. The more Earth 2 feels like an Elseworlds Title and the less like the Golden Age Justice Society, the happier I'm going to be! I imagine New Batman must be fed-the-fuck-up Dick Grayson. It's got to be somebody that would hate the fucking Joker this much. Also, what the hell is happening with Hawkgirl and Mister Miracle and Big Barda?!