Justice League #25

It's hard to write a decent synopsis of the story so far when the story has been split up in a bunch of other comic books. So I guess I'll trust that the cover is portraying the main event in this book and just update what was happening in Dick Grayson's life: he had the ever loving fuck beaten out of him and he was being held prisoner by The Crime Syndicate. The only reason he was alive was because Owlman was acting sentimental. Everybody in the world also found out that Bruce Wayne's first ward, Dick Grayson, was Nightwing's secret identity. But nobody has moved on from "I wonder if Bruce Wayne knew about this?" to "Holy fuck! Alfred Pennyworth must be The Goddamned Batman!"

Last issue began showing the origin of the little shit Ultraman and how his dickbag parents sent him to Earth 3 to become the all-powerful ruler of everything. It was romantic and sad as Jor-il looked over at Lara as they realized they would never see their son again and yelled, "Shut up, Lara!" Now we get to see how little Owlman's life began.

Hmm. Nothing out of the ordinary.

That little shit Bruce pusses out of the plan to kill their parents and wrestles the gun away from his brother Thomas. While they're wrestling, good old Alfred Pennyworth walks up, picks up the gun, and shoots Martha and Thomas Wayne. Then he chastises Bruce and puts a bullet in him too. He may have gone a bit further than New Earth Alfred but he seems to maintain the same sense of loyalty and willingness to get the job done. But since this is backwards world, he probably makes a shit cup of tea.

Alfred, always knowing exactly what his Master wants, made sure not to kill Bruce outright. Now, Thomas puts a bullet in his head as he hears an owl in the distance saying, "What the fuck? Seriously?!"

Back on New Earth, is that fucking Plastic Man?!

That was a rhetorical question because how many people can there possibly be named "Eel?"

Eel is hanging out with all of the Chicago mob families as they discuss how they're going to get in on The Crime Syndicate action. Being normal, everyday, regular criminals, they realize they don't really have much to offer which means they have to get creative. Ha! I bet the last time a mafia guy was creative was when he let his wife fuck on top. I hope no mafia guys are reading this and thinking I just called them all unimaginative because of the way they consistently use violence and force to get what they want! What I meant was they're more cerebral and intellectual than they are whimsical and creative! Don't shoot me in the head and drown me in concrete shoes just because you misinterpreted my words, you stupid lunkheads! I mean, um, all of these comments are only meant to describe the criminal masterminds of New Earth! All you mafia guys on Earth Prime, you're all right! Keep up the good work! Don't mind me!

What am I worried about? Like mob guys can read or use computers! Pshaw!

Owlman, Narration Boxing from who the fuck knows where (a tree limb hanging over the proceedings? But upright on the limb! Not upside down like a stupid bat!) mentions how he likes to use the infrastructure already in place in a city. So you'd think he'd like to work with these Mob guys and continue to let them run things! But I sense a but coming up! And probably some explosions!

No wonder I sensed a "but" coming up! Because I'd already read it on the previous page where he says, "But sometimes that doesn't work!" The explosions I did guess though!

Oh! Oh! And look at those oil drums in the warehouse! I bet they house the chemicals that Eel will become doused in to become Plastic Man! This story isn't about Owlman at all! It's about that big fucking goofball, Plas!

Okay, okay. I guess it can be about both of them in equal measures. Speaking of equal measures, maybe I think I'm going to pick a random recipe tomorrow and do some cooking! Look out, stomach! And colon! And toilet!

See! Do I get some experience points for recognizing Eel O'Brian's nearly identical origin from the pre-Crisis universe?! Sure I do! But not enough to gain another rank. I'm still a Brother Comic Book Reader, brother!

Owlman kills all the leaders and then chooses the one that doesn't insult the fuck out of him. After that, he's off to speak with Nightwing about a job offer. One that Nightwing can't accept!

Hunh. I guess he needs the money more than I realized. This is why you should avoid debt at all cost! Because when you're desperate, you wind up working for a prick like Owlman! Or me! I should get some interns!

Maybe before Batman died, he told Dick Grayson, "Keep your enemies close and your friends closer. Because who wants to fucking hang out with their enemies all of the time? But if your enemies want to like, go get pizza or something and they're willing to pick up the tab, why would you refuse? Hang out! Enjoy it! You know how many times I've gone to the local porn theater with The Joker? Ha! Good times. Although better times when I go with Alfred! So remember, friends closer, enemies close, your left hand closest."

So Richard joins up with Thomas in the hopes that he can defeat Ultraman. Since that guy seems to be the biggest threat (simply because nobody wants to think about how threatening Deathstorm and Johny Quick might be), it seems like a good plan. Plus he can learn all of Owlman's weaknesses by bonding with him, like how Owlman loves Superwoman, and how Owlman has helped make a baby inside of her. I bet Ultraman would be plenty angry to find out about that! Which is, you know, why Owlman needs to build this plan to defeat Ultraman. Before Ultraman notices the fetus isn't half-Asshole Kryptonian and he decides to crush Owlman's head. And Superwoman's too, for good measure.

Justice League #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if Plastic Man is going to become all dark and gritty for The New 52! Maybe he'll have a really black sense of humor and he'll turn himself into torture devices invented by The Inquisition and shove himself up bad guy anuses so he can expand ever so slowly until all of their insides fall out through their ass. That's the kind of Plastic Man I want to see! Who needs that goofy guy always cracking jokes and turning into gigantic paper airplanes?! Comic books don't have a place for that kind of silliness anymore, Plas!