A.R.G.U.S. #2

"Battles" is pretty optimistic. I'd have chosen "is barely noticed by". Or maybe "creates a minor annoyance for". Perhaps "is killed messily by"?

Last issue, Candy Etta's digital wrist watch informed her that Steve Trevor's heart had stopped. That totally makes sense since just before it came to that conclusion, Steve Trevor ran into Deathstroke the Terminator. His name has a couple of hints in it as to why he might be dangerous. Maybe more than a couple!

But since this issue begins with Steve Trevor still alive and shooting Copperhead in the fangs, I have a feeling Candy Etta's digital wrist watch is malfunctioning. It could be that the sudden appearance of Doctor Light's Ghost created an EMP that fucked it hard. EMP stands for Ectoplasmic Mega-Penis. So now Etta Candy thinks Trevor is dead instead of "fighting" Deathstroke. You know why I put quotes around fighting.

And? And what? Die young?

Next thing you know, well actually, the next thing you know is whatever I want to type, isn't it? Since you're reading this right now, I'm in control of the very next thing you know! Ha ha! I'm in total control! Except I can't get you to do weird stuff, can I? Can I? Touch your butt. Oh, come on! Nobody's looking! Just touch it! Oh, never mind! I don't want to imagine you doing it if you're going to have that expression on your face! The next thing that happens is Blockbuster breaks through a wall and saves Steve Trevor's life by choking him half to death. You see, Deathstroke was about to choke him full to death.

If I lived in a comic book, I think I would get a job doing drywall. Just about every major city has a problem with villains and heroes crashing through walls. Skylight salesman is probably a fairly profitable business too. I'm almost certain Bruce Wayne invests in it which is why Batman chooses to break as many as he possibly can every night.

The room that Steve Trevor crashes through contains, I think, Nightshade holding some agents and the president hostage. Speaking of Nightshade, whatever happened to her appearance in Suicide Squad? I think it was her. Wasn't it her? Did that story ever have an ending? Where they fought the giant made out of corpses and shit? Wow, my memory is atrocious! I think she just made an appearance as a head agent in whatever shadowy cabal she was working for and then skedaddled.

Anyway, it's not Nightshade. It's Shadow Thief. I guess she only hates alien races coming to Earth and not citizens of other Earths coming to Earth. And she's only here to shield Deathstroke and Copperhead and Blockbuster from a huge explosion caused by Steve Trevor so he can get the president away. The president doesn't explode, for what it's worth. I think because he's too important.

I'm going to use this plan at Christmas.

The President asks Trevor where the Justice League is as if he didn't expect to get any other answer than "Need to Know." I bet the President hears that all the time. The first briefing the President probably gets after being sworn into office is, "You probably think you're the most important person in the Western Hemisphere now, don't you? Well, you're not. Who is? Need to know. How many more people are important than you? Need to know. Need to know anything? Need to know. Just get used to not asking questions, Sir."

Meanwhile, Killer Frost is somewhere (Philly?) in an alley trying to figure out where her next meal is going to come from. Firestorm used to keep her well fed with his atomic blasts but now she's struggling worse than Lestat when he refused to feed on people. Or maybe Angel. I think Angel is more timely! But luckily for Killer Frost, a new meal ticket has come along!

"Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Get away from those lesbians!"

Killer Frost wanders off to eventually suck Deathstorm dry. Or maybe she'll encase him in ice so that he's in some kind of stasis where she can sit on his face every day and feed off his energy while he can't do anything but pucker.

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor returns to ARGUS headquarters with the President. They send him off to The Green Room which is a panic room "outside of time and space, and nothing will be able to get in while you're there." Except for, maybe, fourth dimensional creatures! As the President wander in, a voice begins talking to him. Is Fiddler's Green the President's emergency hideaway?

Steve locks Etta Candy inside The Green Room as well to protect The President while he goes off to use the Delphi's Mirror to find Wonder Woman. The Delphi's Mirror is located in yet another secret ARGUS room: The Wonder Womb. I mean Room. It's purpose is classified but it looks like a place where he keeps mementos from his time dating Wonder Woman.

Like the Vice Grip Sex Cycle and his Sears Portrait Studio picture of himself and Wonder Woman in the morning.

But the main reason he's back is to talk with the Delphi Witches to get a prophecy. He wants to make a deal with them but it seems like he already owes them for something they helped him with previously. They might demand payment up front this time.

ARGUS #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. Yet another Forever Evil spinoff that's entertaining and works well as a story happening in parallel with the main event. And I suppose I can keep making jokes about Deathstroke easily defeating Steve Trevor or I can change up my bias and wrap my head around the fact that Steve Trevor might just be a huge badass motherfucker. I mean, why else would Wonder Woman date him? You know why she went after Superman, right? Because he's fucking Vanilla Pudding. Mister Nice Guy. Goody Two Shoes. Captain Safety. Which means Wonder Woman probably just got out of a relationship with a kinky ass tough guy. I think I can believe the guy Wonder Woman dated before she dated Superman could go toe to toe for a few rounds with Deathstroke. But only a few rounds! He's dead after that.