Green Lantern #26

Ha ha ha ha! What an asshole.

Last issue, Hal Jordan decided that there wasn't enough Spectrum Power to go around and the Green Lanterns should be in control of it all. That was the dumb decision he made. The good decision he made was to go after rogue Spectrum Users that have proven themselves to be criminals and all around dick dicking dicks. The first Ring Bearer he went after was a Star Sapphire named PB Anj. He promptly got his ass kicked by her and her gang. Serves him right!

Surrounded by dozens of laser wielding bad guys on a planet far out in the outer rim of the solar system, Hal Jordan believes he's in a position to make demands.

Uh oh! Now she's angry! Better add an additional charge of unlawful use of emotions!

Now that she's angry and being accused of emotions (as opposed to murder which is the real crime Hal should be throwing in her face), PB Anj and her crew really begin to kick Hal's ass. Kilowog's too. If he has one. He might poo out of his mouth for all I know. It would be offensive to simply assume he shit like a human.

Hal decides they need back-up, so he sends out a message to the rest of the Green Lantern Corps. This moment is so incredibly amazing and awesome that it had to be covered by Channel 52. Except the opposite of amazing and exciting. Which is par for the course for local news programs, you know? The cable news networks lie and guess and vamp because they have so much time to fill. The local news programs simply read press releases and show internet videos. I hate them all. I hope Ambush Bug can escape the Channel 52 Newsroom in the future.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Get over it already! Peak Emotion is a myth!

I know I've said it before and you know I'll say it again and it might seem like hyperbole when I say it but it's Jesus Christ's Gospel Truth: Hal Jordan is a fucking douchebag motherfucking idiot narcissistic asshole frat boy bastard piece of shit. He has decided to arrest anybody that he judges is abusing the emotional spectrum. So he hunts down one space female using one ring to commit some crime in the outer rim. But when she gets the upper hand on him, what does he do? He mobilizes every fucking Green Lantern in the Universe to come save his ass! If that isn't abusing the emotional spectrum, I'll find somebody with a hat and make them eat it!

How am I supposed to remember the names of the different Green Lantern Corps members when they're all orange and they all have one syllable names with the same vowel sound?

Look at these fucking dicks! They refuse to use their own rings so they can feel righteous in their belief that they're not draining the spectrum but their refusal to use their rings means somebody else has to use their rings to transport them! This is like somebody that loves to eat meat bragging about how they've never hurt an animal in their life!

Meanwhile on whatever planet Hal and Kilowog were on, Hal curbstomps one of the Braidmen. Except he does it against a bar and he uses his hands and not his feet. So he barsmashes his teeth out which is probably much better for some reason. The guy is the Lead Braidman and his son takes issue with Hal beating on him. Hal's advice to the kid?

Holy fuck, Hal. You're definitely not Indigo material.

"Better you grow up on the street with no guidance or care from an adult that probably loves you than have to be subjected to a life of ill-gotten material goods and shelter paid for by illicit means!" Maybe you should just kill the kid, Hal? Just put him out of his misery if his life is so awful with his criminal father.

The rest of the planet Dekann's civilians begin attacking Hal and Kilowog as well. But help arrives in the form of Iath the Tree Lantern and Gorin-Sunn the Flame Lantern. Not long after, the rest of the Lantern Corps arrives with Mogo following. Why did they have to expend all of their ring energy by flying when they could have just rode along with Mogo? At least 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 gets a cameo.

Le Sigh.

The Corps has a tough time getting the civilians of Dekann to give up. And it's not like they can just kill them. Can they? I've seen Green Lanterns kill various alien beings before. What's the policy on killing? Maybe I just thought I saw them kill aliens! I suppose it's a bit like every day police. They aren't supposed to kill people but as soon as they think there might possibly be the slightest hint that maybe their life might imaginably be sort of in danger, they feel justified in killing. Hal does command Mogo to drop down near the planet so that the planet is nearly torn apart by gravitational forces. I bet Mogo derives sexual pleasure from this maneuver.

Granack, PB Anj's head Braidman, decides to surrender himself and all of his men but only if PB Anj is allowed to go free. Hal reluctantly agrees because there are too many Green Lantern witnesses to get away with slaughtering everyone. But he forces PB Anj to give up her Star Sapphire ring. And since that's all he really cares about, Hal probably feels he won. Except then PB Anj lets him know that she's going to begin telling everybody she meets how the Green Lantern Corps are destroying the universe by using their rings. Whoops!

The Universe needs a fucking Snopes.com because this Peak Emotion is just a bullshit urban legend that's really getting out of control.

After Hal and the other Lanterns leave, the child from earlier and another civilian reveal that they are Durlans and that their plan is going better than expected. Some Four Armed somebody with a Fortress and a bunch of ancients are also part of their plan. That might mean something to Green Lantern fans but I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

Green Lantern #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. Hal Jordan is such a fucking prick. But at least he's consistent! I like consistency in my comic book characters and Hal never fucking disappoints! Nice fuck up this month, pal!