Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Animal Man #25

Animal Man! Animal Man! Animal Man fights Bloody Faced Man!

I can't remember what happened last issue. Oh, that's right. Because I forgot to read my commentary on Issue #24. Be right back.

I'm back but I don't know how much I remembered since the entire time I was singing, "Animal Man! Animal Man! Animal Man fights Butterface Man!" Yes, I changed the antagonist although not on purpose. My subconscious tends to have its way with my conscious because my conscious is a weak-willed piece of shit.

Maxine was battling Brother Blood for control of The Red while Buddy Baker had an awards ceremony to save. Oh, that was easy. I guess I did remember everything.

I decided to waste time scanning this picture so I could say this: I first read it as "Hollywood's royalty all basking in your own bloated beauty and poop."

Animal Man gets the message which The Church of Blood knew he would because not a single space in any Comic Book World is lacking a live video feed of important events. He heads off to save the day with his new sidekick, Ellen Baker.

And now for the rare part where I talk about the art. I'm fucking digging Rafael Albequerque's shit. Although the signatures every few pages is a bit much. Don't worry! I won't forget who is drawing the comic book!

I will! I will! Choose me as your priestess! Me!

Buddy Baker comes Polar Bearing in from Stage Left desecrating and blaspheming the Church of Blood all over the fucking place. He's a little bit pissed off that his daughter's missing and this High Priest of the Church of Blood mentioned how dead Cliff was earlier in the broadcast. So Buddy is ready to get some payback on the universe and he doesn't fucking care whose teeth pay the price. That sentence probably would have been marked up in red by my high school English teacher. Enh, fuck him. What did he ever give me but an A- and a bladder infection? No wait. That was somebody else.

Backstage, Ellen has been ambushed by an Acolyte of the High Priest of the Church of Blood and a starlet whose been a card carrying Bloodite for three whole years! Lucky! But Ellen isn't just a fucking victim. She's a sidekick, remember? No wait. I just said she isn't a victim. So she's better than a sidekick! I think she might be her own Goddamn Batman!

Spoiler Warning: Best fucking Best Actor Winner reveal ever.

That spoiler warning was a general warning for the rest of your life. Shit will get spoiled. You will pout and kick non-existent things while muttering, "Phooey." That's just life, kids. Although if you ever spoil anything for me, I will hunt down your grandmother and win her love and treat her nice and take her to fine restaurants and write her poetry and caress her thinning but still beautiful hair before I break her fucking heart on Christmas morning by handing her a beautifully wrapped, blood soaked present with your head inside.

Baker continues to beat the crap out of the High Priest while millions watch. It's the audience The Church of Blood is after so that they can commit suicide on camera and everybody watching can see their souls ascend into The Red which will hopefully make them believers and they'll join the church. Hey, you didn't have to go through all that trouble! You had me at Brother Blood's Preboot costume with the snake hoodie and the big collar and the flowing white cape. The shiny black diaper was a bit much but the gloss really classed up the entire look!

The High Priest's last action is to try to get Buddy Baker to kill him on television so he alludes to the fact that he's going to fuck Cliff when he gets to The Red. But Ellen is there to stop him. Maybe now Buddy will begin to realize his family is his team and not just targets he needs to protect. I think Ellen needs to realize that too! I wonder if they can convince Ellen's Mom to join Team Animal Man? She's pretty good with a shotgun.

Buddy and Ellen share a kiss as Buddy promises he'll get Maxine back. And then he's suddenly sucked off to an alien planet where some strange creatures begin yelling at him. I think the aliens Googled his name in the Morphogenetic Web and he was sucked off into space to save their day. Or night. Or daynight.

Animal Man #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. I tried to translate the alien's speech at the end of the issue but the patterns just don't make any sense. If it isn't just gibberish, I think some of the icons must represent letter pairs. But then I'm just an Apprentice Comic Book Reader now, so maybe I've just lost my skill at translating. Never again will I be able to read Old Portugese [sic] or understand anything Doop is saying. I'll have to rely on *gasp* the internet.

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