Batgirl #26

It's Christmas Eve! This issue doesn't look very Christmasy.

I wish I was getting fucked up on Eggnog right now except I still have to work later tonight, so I probably shouldn't make myself sick. Can a person get sick from the alcohol in Eggnog before they simply get sick of the Egg and the Nog or whatever the fuck is in that stuff. I don't believe I've ever tried Eggnog before in my life! Eggnog backwards is, phonetically, ganja. Okay, it isn't really. It's ganga. But fuck you for actuallying me on Christmas, you nerds.

Yes, yes! I "actually" mean Christmas Eve! Lay off!

I'm only really arguing with the voices in my head now, aren't I?

I'm asking Lord Google about Eggnog now since his name is very similar. Oh man. Now I know why there is alcohol in it. Some jerk came up with a drink made of milk and whipped eggs and everybody else was like, "Oh yeah. This is, um, terrific, Sven!" And when Sven, beaming from ear to ear, turned his back on the crowd to go whip up some more in the kitchen, everybody took out their flasks and started spiking that shit. "If I'm going to drink this asshole's whipped egg drink, I'm very well not going to do it sober!"

It just seems to me that the inventor of eggnog was probably named Sven. Sven Eggnogdotterson.

So, what was Babs up to recently? She'd killed her brother and pissed off her father and failed to stop her boyfriend from winding up in the hospital and given up the name Batgirl. She also hung out with Nightwing in his Annual trying to solve a really simple case. Although I think the artist might have fucked up on that issue which is why the case was so easy to figure out but Dick and Babs were still having a difficult time with it. Or they were just so nerved up from all of the sexual tension in the room that they couldn't think straight. "Hey, why is the killer's name on the list of the killer's victims?! Oh man I hope Dick accidentally rubs up against me and I feel movement!" Oh, also Babs had a new Villain Group after her composed of all the villains she had defeated up until this point and being led by Knightfall. I think that's all the plot points I need to remember! And those are all from my own memory since I reread my commentary for Issue #25 but it didn't have anything to do with the Wanted story arc. Also, it didn't really have much of anything to do with Issue #25! I wonder if I should be taking medication?

Oh yeah! First they were going after Gordon because of something to do with gangs and black market weapons sales and detective work.

I'm really looking forward to Charles Soule's She-Hulk! I don't know why that just popped into my head. I need to concentrate on one comic book at a time here. No wonder I can barely remember anything from month to month.

You know what else is kind of exciting and mildly titillating? The last issue of Katana is next on my stack! So excited to see that comic book end! And that's speaking as a huge fan of the character! Barr and Aparo's Batman and the Outsiders was my first monthly comic book I collected as a wee lad!

So the villains attacking Gordon are The Grotesque (although I'm not sure which one that is. The devil looking guy?), Gretel (the woman with green hair), Bonersmasher (the woman in the domino mask with all the muscles), Bleak Michael (who I think is outside standing guard and acting dour), and The Mirror (maybe? Was that his name? Is he there? Somebody is in a hood or something). There might be more but those are all that I can remember. And Katharsis moved on to Coral City, so she's decided not to take part.

Batgirl crashes through the window on her motorcycle to save her father. She didn't want to appear as Batgirl but it was the only outfit she had seeing as how the Batgirlcave was really just her van. I wonder if Batgirl is going to have to fight Commissioner Gordon at the same time she fights her real enemies? I can see that happening because I still haven't forgiven Gail Simone for that final panel in the first issue of Batgirl. You know the one? The stupid one. I'd describe it more accurately than that but I blacked it out with a Sharpie marker a long time ago.

Oh, here's a handy tip to make early issues of Red Hood and the Outlaws more enjoyable! Black out all of Roy Harper's Narration Boxes! It improves the comic by about 600%. I did the maths.

My best friend Paul from high school did this exact same thing once when some guy attacked us in the only fight I've ever been in. He didn't nail the back flip though. Also, he was just on my BMX Mongoose.

I don't want to go into the whole account of my only fight ever (besides, I'm sure I've already written about it in some other commentary somewhere. You can dig through all 1300+ commentaries to find it yourself) but I will say that I beat two guys with my Hosoi Skateboard and made them flee before me. And if you've ever ridden a Hosoi board, you know the only thing they're really good for is as a weapon. Those boards were fucking heavy. The only thing I regret about that night is that I didn't yell "By Crom!" as I was swinging the board.

Batgirl runs down Bonerbreaker and severs the artery in Gretel's arm in three separate places. The Grotesque just stands buy grinning but I think that's a mask so he might actually be crying. Jim and Babs decide to flee but run into this big jerk.

Great fucking super power, sir. "Look at your reflections! LOOK AT THEM! SO MANY OF THEM! You'll go MAAAAAD!"

Batgirl hurls a batgirlarang into The Mirror's eye because that worked so well against her brother James. But this time, the weapon is filled with explosives and blows up in his face. Wow! I guess Batgirl figured she accidentally already killed one person, who the fuck cares if anybody else dies at Batgirl's hands? Or maybe I should just take it on faith the way I never take it on faith with The Goddamned Batman that these assholes actually know what they're doing. "Oh, oh! We never kill! Break bones? Maim flesh? Nearly bleed out? Sure, sure! But we never finish them off! Once the hospital gets them, it's not our fault if they die! That's what malpractice insurance is for!"

Batgirl reminds me that this group of villains is called The Disgraced. I knew they had a suitably "we sucked the first time around" name but I just couldn't come up with it. Batgirl gives her father some intel on the villains and she mentions that The Mirror is the most dangerous. What? No way! She must be joking! Sure, he killed a lot of people. But all he does is open his cape and yell shit!

Ha ha! "You can walk now!" Good one, Gail! Oh, you don't have to pretend it wasn't on purpose for my sake! I'm cool with tasteless "remember how Babs used to be in a wheelchair" jokes!

Meanwhile, Knightfall has a back-up plan. If The Disgraced fail again (which, I think, their name may imply a really good possibility of that happening), Bleak Michael is to burn down Gordon's house with everybody inside. This Knightfall is a jerk. Too bad for her Commissioner Gordon knocks out Bleak Michael when Gordon takes his My Little Batsignal toy out to the yard to shine a tiny Batsignal in the sky. I wonder if Tiny Batman will respond?

After Batgirl lays down a serious ass kicking, Knightfall calls The Disgraced home. Now they're going to have to think up an even worse name for themselves! And then Gordon sticks a gun in Batgirl's face and tells her she's under arrest. What a dick move! But Babs turns it around on him and points out that sometimes people have to make tough decisions to save other people. Just like Jim did earlier, putting whats-his-name in a coma. Arnold? Samson? Villa Alegre?

Does anybody remember that show? Villa Alegre? The theme song is now in my head! Oh, anyway. That moment between Jim and Batgirl:

Oh, he knows who you are, Babs. He just doesn't want you taking away his Parental Deniability! Parents know things but they don't want to admit to knowing those things so they block them out and pretend to not know them! Don't spoil that for him!

Afterword while James Gordon Junior is hanging out with Knightfall, Barbara gets a call from Ricky's mother (oh yeah! Ricky!) that he's out of his coma and all better! The end!

Batgirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. Batgirl ends this issue realizing that she's regained her hope and her strength. I don't really care that much about the hope part of it but I'm glad that she really went balls tits out on the fight against The Disgraced. Her judgment is better and she's not pulling any punches or doubting herself. She's really come together and seems to know what needs to be done against each particular bastard she goes up against. It'll be nice to have a Batgirl with her confidence back. I bet she's even ready to have sex! Good thing Ricky's awake! The worst part about this issue is that Alysia didn't get to make any jokes or even make any appearances for that matter. I'm glad I have my declaration of Alysia being my favorite character of The New 52 time-stamped via my commentaries so I can point out how everybody else jumped on the "I love Alysia" bandwagon! Although since then, I've kind of abandoned her as my favorite when Vampire Tig stole my heart. I know she just wanted to eat it but that doesn't mean she didn't win me over anyway. And now I'm kind of crushing on 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 pretty hard. So Alysia better start getting some on-panel time before I forget her completely!