Sunday, December 15, 2013

Batwing #26

This cover shows a comic book that I would like to read but which I know is not this one.

Last month, Zero Year interrupted the regular story so now I can't remember what the fuck was actually going on. Some guy wanted a diamond mine or something that had been run by a lion God but Bruce Wayne was all, "Unh un, honey, I'll be taking that!" And the guy was all, "FUCK BRUCE WAYNE AND HIS POCKETS DEEPER THAN ANY DWARVEN MINE IN MIDDLE EARTH!" And his guy was in Rome or something? I think that's correct because their are steps and columns on the cover just like the cover of that Led Zeppelin album that was most tranquil. The rest of the story's details will probably begin to come back to me around page eleven or twelve if I just dive in!

Or maybe Luke Fox will be super helpful and begin the issue with a ton of expository Narration Boxes.

"An attempt to improve the lives of the mineworkers." Keep drinking the Bruce Wayne Brand Kool-aid, Lucas.

Lucas Fox has grown a stupid blonde mohawk and a shitty, patchy goatee for his disguise as Duke Turner, Cage Fighter! Since the crime boss is in Rome and his name is Caligula, he's obviously into greasy men fighting naked and to the death. That's yet another interest the Romans stole from the Greeks. Why don't we just refer to those ancient civilizations as the Gromans?

Lucas Fox puts on a good show in his exhibition matches by being sure to maintain a better than average chubby while rolling around the cage with the other men. Caligula likes what he sees and sends a private invitation to Lucas Fox to join him for Caligula's private Cage Fights. He's warned by the Batman Incorporated plant (who, I suppose, is now just stuck undercover without help or funds from Batman Incorporated now that it's been shut down? I'm sure Bruce will continue to support the field agents until they're all dead) that his opponents in Caligula's private fights won't be anything like the chumps he rubbed up against in his early matches. And she's not wrong.

Where'd Lucas learn those fucking bullshit tactics? Cobra Kai Dojo?

Lucas Fox's contact is Pippi Giovanni. She's taken over the role as Rome's superhero, Legionary. The role used to be her dad's until he became corrupt, fell in with Caligula, and was eventually stabbed to death by Wingman. That sounds like something Jason Todd would do. Stab first, guilt the ex-hero into reforming or, at least, killing himself later. Batwing decides he doesn't want to die in the next round of fights against some monster with super powers, so he plans to kidnap Caligula before the night is over. Legionary doesn't really care for the plan but she decides to help him so he doesn't fuck up all of her months of undercover work.

Legionary adds an addendum to Batwing's plan. Was that redundant? That sentence sounded redundant! She wants to steal Caligula's huge diamond that somehow collects GPS and audio information from every other diamond on Earth pulled from the same mine that Wayne Enterprises now owns. Caligula uses it to keep track of any asshole that needs to constantly wear these super expensive specialty diamonds.

Won't a boat speeding across land arouse suspicion?

The plan does not go smoothly. How could it? I was only on page thirteen! Batwing couldn't have seven more pages of downtime as he and Pippi celebrate their victory! Instead, Caligula and his army of Legionnaires catch Batwing and Legionary sneaking off with his treasure. Although that might just make the plan go more smoothly since they had to stop off and kidnap Caligula anyway. He just made that part of the plan easy peasy. Sure, there are some minor hitches like the entire island exploding. But in the end, they get away with Caligula and his diamond. Except they only have half a page of that relaxing downtime which is usually my favorite part of comic books.

Also, Legionary, in case you haven't heard: you're out of a job.

Batwing #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue kept me more entertained than this comic usually does. And Lucas Fox made a friend! He's already starting a little Batwing Family. I'm not a fan of Legionary's name but I suppose if you have to have a theme tied closely to your country, you can't go wrong by being totally cliche! I like the name Pippi though. She should just stick with that even though it screams "sidekick."

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