Thursday, December 5, 2013

Supergirl #25

The crossover sucks but the cover is fucking brilliant. I mean, the four covers together.

I had to pull out my Superman #25 issue and scan it early so I could put them all together. Here's the finished product:

The top two covers don't line up as well as they should because I scanned them weeks ago and I'm not obsessive about making every cover the exact same pixel size.

Where were we? Fuck if I know! Everybody went back to different times to work on different projects. Supergirl finished hers early which meant she has to do some extra work with H'el.

The issue begins with a gigantic, omnipotent cosmic buttplug named Oracle observing the end of the universe that he knows isn't coming and never does come and never has come and doesn't come never. Hey, he's omnipotent! What the fuck does he have to worry about?

Oracle has made a new friend since last he appeared. His name is the Cobalt Bodysurfer and he says things that come off really stupid when spoken to an omnipotent being. He says, "You've placed a lot of hope on the shoulders of the Kryptonians." Can it really be considered hope when you know Greyhound #3, I've Got Lice, is going to win the race and you place your life savings on the outcome? I'm fairly certain "hope" is the wrong word. He says other stupid shit like this:

Even the Cobalt Bodysurfer knows how this is going to turn out! Why don't they just break for lunch since they know how it's all going to end.

Have I mentioned before how I love time travel stories but fucking despise poorly written and horribly conceived time travel stories? Yeah? I have? Well, it bears repeating! If only I could set it up in an infinite time loop so that it is heard over and over and over again for all eternity although it's only said the one time.

Hundreds of years before Krypton explodes, Supergirl and H'el have a bit of a lover's quarrel. He's hurt because she rammed a shard of Kryptonite into his chest and dumped his ass. She's upset that he would use that against her when all she really tried to do was love his beautifully shaved upper pubic region. But he can't get past it so she has to break his nose before he jams the Kryptonite into her chest.

I think since she already completed her mission, Supergirl can just die now. Since it just changes times and sets things on a different path so that Supergirl never has to come back to Krypton again. I mean, according to the laws of Time Travel in Scott Lobdell's story. Laws that suck festering dick cheese.

Over in the future in Kryptonopolis, Superman watches his mother tell his father that they're going to have a baby. This causes me to reread Superman #0 which I don't recommend anybody do even though it's a companion piece to this story. It's actually the reason this story exists. I'm fairly certain Scott Lobdell wrote Superman #0 with Clark narrating things he couldn't know. So then an editor pointed out how ridiculous it sounded and Scott Lobdell said, "Wait! You haven't read the last page!" And he quickly scripted the final page with Superman thinking, "How do I know all of this? Because I was there!" And then Lobdell spent a year figuring out how to get Krypton back so that the end of Superman #0 would make sense. Which is why we had H'el on Earth and Krypton Returns! So I have to say, Superman #0 has truly spawned more horrible comic books than any other comic book ever.

I know, I know. I'm completely wrong about that because Marvel has had some real doozies in their time!

Anyway, Superman thinks about how he wants to save Krypton somehow even at the expense of the Omniverse when a mysterious figure shows up and he says, "You--?! But--how?!" I bet it's Batman!

Meanwhile in Superboy's Mission, the giant green flaming penis named Eradicator is back on his feet and trying to kill Superboy.


Superboy winds up kicking The Eradicator through the time portal and into the future. But not just the future! He also kicks him all the way to Smallville, Kansas, United States, Earth, Sol, Milky Way! That was quite the kick!

H'el arrives to stop Superboy but then he breaks down because he's in two timelines at the same time, attacking Supergirl and Super...oh fuck it. This is dumb. Even for a fantastic science fiction story, it makes no sense! When did H'el get the power to travel through time? From H'el #1, it's apparent that H'el can change history over and over again but only from the point he appears in Krypton's past after being Kebab'd with Kryptonite by Supergirl. He isn't personally capable of jumping about time. So he shouldn't be able to appear to Supergirl hundreds of years in the past because he only exists on Krypton from Jor-el's youth to, well, whenever Krytpon explodes. But since he always sends his cells out into space to be born again, he returns and returns and returns. But he doesn't fucking time travel. And now two timelines converging? What the fuck is that about? Why would it fuck him up? Is this some Marty McFly's siblings disappearing from a photograph bullshit? I have a feeling Scott Lobdell's complete knowledge of time travel is from the Back to the Future films.

Anyway, somehow Supergirl and Superboy figure out that H'el is fighting in two timelines because that's the first fucking conclusion I would jump to when I see a gash open in someone's chest and they mutter, "Two...timelines...converging." Oh! I get it! That fucker is in two timelines! Let's kick his ass!

Also, Supergirl has become leader of the clones because she defeated their leader. Hey, that's just the way that primitive shit works!

Supergirl #25 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm sorry to have to drop Supergirl's rankings for a shitty fucking piece of shit shitty shit shit shitpile of a shitstorm crossover, but I can't with good conscience not drop this fuckery down a few ranks. I wonder if pouring Cough Medicine in my eyes will make me feel better?

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