Wonder Woman #25

I'm guessing Strife made a pass at Superman.

I only have about forty pages left until I'm done with Catching Fire, so I think I'll finish that right now instead of reading Wonder Woman.

Okay, now that that's done, let's see what's happening with Wonder Woman! I could discuss the book but this isn't a Hunger Games Fandom Blog so I won't spoil it here to those that are just here to read comic book reviews full of swears and masturbation references! I will say this though: I am apparently a Master Young Adult Novel Reader as well since while discussing the book with the Non-Certified Spouse early on, I basically detailed the entirety of how everything was going to go down. Also, I now call my cat "Fatniss Everdeen."

Let's see if I can finish reading Wonder Woman before going to catch the 7 o'clock showing of Catching Fire at the Bagdad Theater.

Currently Strife is commissioning a teeny, tiny weapon from Hephaestus to use against Wonder Woman. And Cassandra has kidnapped Wesley Willis to try to help her locate the First Born.

Apparently the First Born is in one of the Outer Districts.

Diana, Zola, and Hera are discussing Hera's new mortality while Hermes stands off to the side in disguise spying on them. Hera's take on mortality mirrors some of the things I've said in past commentaries about immortality and omnipotence. I pointed out that if you're omnipotent, you would experience all things and all times as one quick and furious "now" moment. Omnipotence would make immortality a brief experience. Hera's experience with mortality is this: "Nows last longer. Time slows experience." Being trapped in the flow of time forces a person to experience it all. Every second. Even the stupid boring ones like when your six year old is describing what happened at school that day. Ugh. Shut up already! Learn to tell a coherent story. Where's the hook? Try differentiating the characters! Maybe work in a theme! And nobody needs that much detail about what order you ate your colored snacks in and what your little friends said! I understand everything is new and exciting for you but I'm fucking forty years old! I don't need to hear this shit! You know what I hear when you're babbling away about some stupid shit you did at recess? I hear the ticking away of the few, finite seconds left in my life!

Man, I don't even have kids and I'm yelling at them for bothering me! Hmm. I didn't do it on purpose but I think I may have just stolen a Louis CK bit.

Orion and Strife both crash the party as they usually do, bringing violence and drama to a nice, leisurely afternoon chat. And except for Strife wanting to kill Wonder Woman for killing her mentor, it looks like they all might start getting along again. As much as Gods and mortals and mortals who used to be Gods and Amazon Warriors and all-powerful babies can really get along.

I bet Strife got Wonder Woman a hat pin!

Actually, Strife got her some appropriate attire for her new job: the God of War's helmet. It seems a bit too formal for Wonder Woman's tastes. Baby Zeke gets a blanket spun out of kept secrets. Dirty, nasty, venomous secrets! The kind you think about but never actually tell when your significant other of twenty-five years says to you, "What's your biggest secret?" Because nobody believes that your biggest secret was that you were fat as a kid or that you lost your virginity at twenty-four. Those are the kinds of secrets everybody has! You know the kind of super secret that if it ever gets out you'll lose the respect of the people you love and may even open yourself up to criminal charges although you're not quite sure about the statute of limitations kind of secret I'm talking about. You know which kind I'm talking about. You know.

Before Orion can get into another fight with Hermes, Siracca "appears" to let Wonder Woman know that Wesley Willis is currently being tortured by Cassandra. Orion Boom-Tubes off to go help while Wonder Woman is left to arrange conventional transportation to Chernobyl to save Wesley.

Well, conventional for a God.

Wonder Woman leaves Strife in charge because Wonder Woman likes to think that people will behave according to how you treat them. She believes if you expect the best out of them while giving them your trust, they won't stab you in the back and kidnap your friend's baby while shitting in the mouth of your ornamental object on the mantel. Of course, Wonder Woman is wrong about that. People act the way you know they're going to act because they're all selfish assholes with the subtlety of a rhinoceros doing ballet. I've never seen that but I imagine it's not subtle at all. Or graceful. Or safe to be around.

Wonder Woman #25 Rating: No change because Wonder Woman is Number One! Just like America if you ignore every actual important statistic (meaning happiness quotients and longest living and best access to healthcare, not obesity or variety of candy bars or the most dog sweaters per capita) on every actual important thing statistics have been gathered for and just go by how many people are chanting the phrase, "We're Number One!" Fuck the Districts! I'm Team Capitol!