New Guardians #25

Now the Lost in Space theme song is stuck in my head.

I grew up watching reruns of Lost in Space on Channel 36 in the San Francisco Bay Area. Also Batman. And The Monkees. And Super Chicken. And George of the Jungle. I think it was Channel 36 which aired Ray Harryhausen movies on Thanksgiving which is why you'd find me in front of the television instead of spending time with my family. Well, that was just one of the reasons. Anyway, Lost in Space was an interesting show to watch as a young kid because I still didn't get the concept of situational episodic television and believed, every episode, that there was a chance that they'd get home.

I no longer believe anything good will ever happen. That kid is long dead, replaced by a cynical asshole that can't just enjoy anything. The world should stand trial for the murder of that sweet, stupid boy with bean dip all over his face grinning in amazement as Jason battled a dozen skeletons grown from the teeth of the Hydra! Can we all get together and bring a class action suit to the world for the death of innocence?

But now I'm part of that world! Hey, you young people! Don't read my comic book commentaries! Don't read any of my cynical rantings about the horrors of things that, at first glance, aren't horrible at all! Enjoy the shallow, fun, four color goodness that all comic books should be! Don't read my twisted versions of what is not explicitly stated in the dialogue and shown through the art! Stay Gold, Pony Boy! STAY GOLD!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris yelling at the Zamarons because her friend Kyle just sacrificed his life to save the universe and they had nothing to do with it. But they're just sitting there on their crystal thrones, oozing smugness with that place on their face in the air where their noses should be, basking in their authority and not shedding any tears for Kyle. Why shouldn't she yell at them? Fuck those assholes! Why don't they crawl into some black hole and fuck off like their ex-husbands, the Guardians?

Carol ditches them before they can put her in her place because she has to go find out that Kyle didn't actually die at all.

I guess needing everyone to believe Kyle was dead lasted all of one page? And that's how much of an affect huge cosmic crisis crossovers have on the continuing monthly comic books!

It turns out the only person that really can't know Kyle is alive is Hal although Carol is the only one that currently knows. And even though no explanation is immediately given, I get it. Sometimes you just want certain people in your life to go the fuck away. And it's not like Carol wouldn't have figured out he's alive anyway. She's a Love Sapphire! She loves Kyle, even if it is that kind of love reserved for puppies and younger brothers. She's still connected to him! What good is being a Love Lantern if you can't stay connected to the people you love?

The Bohemian Guardians are introducing Kyle to an old friend of theirs. Judging by his attitude and demeanor, I'd say this is the guy that makes their Cosmic LSD for them.

Look at Kyle trying to dominate Nias at first meeting with a fucking handshake!

In the panel after this one, Kyle actually forces a handshake on Nias. Fucking disrespectful. I can't stand this way of greeting people! Especially since people will actually be offended if you don't shake their hands. "Submit to my physical assessment of your personality which actually means nothing but I am conditioned to go through with or I will take it as the most sincerest of insults!" Fuck you, hand shakers! Knock it off already! I hope that shaking hands is the worst insult in the universe to the first race of alien beings we meet and we spiral into intergalactic war when our Space Ambassador decides to show them how we greet each other on Earth (and by "on Earth," I mean Western Civilization because by the time we meet alien races, you don't think McDonalds, Starbucks, Reality TV, and Levis won't have won the culture war? We've already forced most cultures that bow into shaking hands after bowing. Pushy jerks).

Look at that violence!

Apparently Kyle and Carol are here on Exuras because "Exuras is the greatest place in the universe!" Well, sure! Now that Piradell is a fascist hellhole. That must be why Nias is so excited. Exuras has just moved up from the number two greatest destination in the universe.

This issue is called "All Tomorrow's Parties" which makes me need to listen to Johnette Napolitano's cover of the song now. I know, I know! That's probably blasphemy to all the Lou Reed fans out there! Don't flip out over inconsequential choices made by other people. My love of Johnette and her voice doesn't take away from your love of Reed and whatever it is you love about him. His cheerful demeanor? Now my own imagined conversation with the Velvet Underground fans has caused me to listen to both versions! I can't say it was a waste of time! Johnette's version is more polished (of fucking course) and rockier. It sounds a bit like an anthem. The Velvet Underground's is discordant and hazy, like wandering through an opium den high as fuck looking for the pipe you set down when you wandered off to look for the pipe you set down.

Now my iTunes is playing in the background while I read and I'm not sure if want to shut it down or not. I suppose I'll try reading and listening to music at the same time! That should ensure that I don't remember any of this in a few hours!

Although it kind of fits now with Carol and Kyle hanging out with Loudon Wainwright III singing "On the Rocks."

The first thing I notice about Exuras is that it has about three billion moons. And its moons also have moons because I think they might be planets. It's possible the orbits of all the planets in this solar system are practically one on top of each other. Don't ask questions about gravity. This is Exuras! The greatest place in the universe!

Nias tries to explain why Exuras is so great but he has trouble with the words, so Zalla helps explain.

That probably explains the planets not crashing in on the other planets somehow.

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have actually come to Exuras because it is a world without strife or fear or conflict. It's exactly the type of existence that the Guardians have been trying to bring to the Universe time and again, and have always failed catastrophically. So Kyle needs to investigate this place and find out if it is indeed as miraculous as it sounds or if there is a dark secret behind it. If it's actual, he can then learn how it works and bring that technology and mindset to the rest of the universe. And everybody will live happily ever after! Or, as usually happens, it will just be more unwanted bullshit forced upon the rest of the universe by the arrogant Guardians. Just this time, they're the Bohemian Guardians. So it'll be exactly the same except smothered in the scent of patchouli.

Kyle begins his investigations and discovers a structure where fear and anger are concentrated. It's a place where the teenagers have been rounded up and shut away. The Exurasans try to stop Kyle from entering the building which makes Kyle even more suspicious. Oh, Kyle, don't worry. It's probably just an angst-ridden rock concert.

So Exuras believes in transparency? That's a good start!

The building where the teenagers go houses a gigantic, cracked mirror which they must go into to make a choice whether or not they want to participate in this world where everything in history has gone seemingly just right. Kyle enters the mirror to find out what this choice is and how they go about the choosing. What he finds on the other side of the cracked mirror is a world in flames, full of destruction and death.

Genius.

Kyle is wrong about the Exurasans making one bad world though. They steal only small moments from many, many different timelines. The disastrous world Kyle is seeing was the result of just one small, seemingly insignificant swap. Entering the cracked mirror is a way for Exurasans to understand the price they are paying for living in the perfect world. I wonder if they're given the chance to swap lives with someone from a shitty timeline?

It turns out they don't get to swap but they can refuse to participate. They are allowed to stay behind in the other worlds to try to make them better places. And hopefully they do make them better places which means the moment that they came to that world was the moment that made it better which means it'll get swapped and they'll return to Exuras's paradise! Or something.

The Keeper of the Cracked Mirror's defense for stealing moments is this: "Isn't one paradise better than an infinity of hells lessened?" Which is all well and good if you ignore the fact that, given a timeline should exist for all possible choices, then that paradise does exist somewhere. What the people of Exuras are doing is simply making sure that their version of Exuras is the paradise. So The Keeper's rationale falls flat and it turns out what they're doing is supremely selfish and not motivated by a grand hope of one pure paradise. That paradise would exist, somewhere, without their needing to take action. So they're really just selfish time pirates!

And it looks like Nias Den Throden of Exuras, Hell Version, would agree.

New Guardians #25 Rating: +4 Ranking. Please let the cosmic crises be over with for a long while so that Kyle Rayner can have adventures like this off on his own without being bothered by Hal and his green military goons. I enjoyed this story and the pacing and the dialogue and the plot. Here's how it should end though! If the residents of the other Exurases can come through the cracked mirror, just bring all the residents of all the infinite other timlines over to the paradise Exuras! We've already seen that it "provides" for everybody! It can probably provide for an infinite population, right?