Sunday, December 29, 2013

Pandora #6

I really should compile a list of all the different characters and voices I've created during the life of this blog. At the top of the list would be, of course, me. Not to expose the magic behind it all but, yes, you guessed it. The voice of this blog isn't my actual voice! Many of the opinions expressed within this blog aren't my opinions at all (yes they are. I'm just saying that to cover my ass (no, no. Seriously. I say a lot of shit I don't believe (no I don't (I do! (you fucking don't (Fuck you!))))))! I realized I really need a list when I just reread my commentary on Pandora #5 and fell in love with the character of Philo Sophocles! A character I had no memory of writing! How many other characters have I created on a whim, merely to forget about them as soon as I hit the Publish button?! And how could I leave Cowboy Joe behind?! That guy was a masterful creation! I just wish he hadn't been murdered on the street by some random asshole that thought he was the Punisher of the homeless. Poor Cowboy Joe.

Now I feel like a dick! I just killed one of my most beloved characters! I take it back! I take it back! I didn't mean it, Cowboy Joe! Everybody just thought you were dead but you're just in a coma and most likely going to pull through! Please don't die, Cowboy Joe! I didn't mean it! Really, I didn't! I'm so sorry!

Speaking of Cowboy Joe, I just reread his commentary on Green Lantern #17 (which I linked to and which you should probably read if'n you ain't never read it) and fuck me. Just. Just fuck me. Cowboy Joe, how could I ever have forgotten you? Thank you for the words you laid down nearly a year ago. They're just what I fucking needed to hear. Holy shit.

My past self just made me fucking cry. Jerko.

So when we last saw Pandora, she was battling the Mini-Sins and The Blight in New York City. Way back in one of the Trinity War issues, she learned how to kill the sins. That's when she killed Envy. But she hasn't had a chance to try the trick out a second time until now. But will she remember that she had that power? I'm betting she doesn't!

Oh yeah, and Constantine was about to be eaten by The Blight while whinging on about how much he loves Zatanna and how much he took her for granted and how poorly he treated her and all that bullshit. Those feelings don't mean anything when you're about to die, John. Feel the same way when you're calmly having a conversation over a cup of coffee with her and maybe they'll be true. Do you only feel love for her when she's not around? When she might be in danger? When she's telling you to sod off and walking away with another man? Yeah, that isn't love or caring, you selfish prat. So shut the fuck up and get back on your feet. You know, after Pandora saves your ass.

Oh, she does remember! That must be why Mini-Envy is not represented. Still dead (but on the mend, I'm sure!).

I'm getting the distinct feeling that this is going to be another issue where nothing much happens except a bunch of punches are thrown as the Mini-JLD get their asses kicked by The Blight.

Hell, for most of the comic book, they don't even get their asses kicked! They just run around saving New Yorkers from certain dragon breathing death. The Mini-JLD's only plan is "don't die." And they're barely pulling that off! It's crazy how quickly a comic book story can take me from "super duper twelve year old kid interested" to "get to the fucking point already or I'm going to fucking have a wank." About the only thing that can win me back at this point is if Etrigan were summoned forth to save the day!

This story is actually reminding me quite a bit of Swamp Thing #50 by Alan Moore from 1986! All of DC's magic types gathered together to defeat some huge rampaging evil which eventually turns out to be simply a necessary part of reality. It just became more violent and ruthless depending on how mankind judged it vile and thought negatively about its role in the universe. Perhaps Swamp Thing needs to do to The Blight what he did to the Bad Thing way back in the Preboot Universe! Swamp Thing! Try telling it this since this worked before:

"I have nothing. I came in resignation. Whatever you are, I cannot fight you. But I cannot stand and watch. I cannot. I am not the one you seek. I have tried to make sense of that darkness and I have failed. I have seen evil, its cruelty, the randomness which it ravages innocent and guilty alike. I have not understood it. I asked the Parliament of Trees whose knowledge is older, greater than mine. They seemed to insist that there was no evil. But I have seen evil and their answer was incomprehensible to me. And yet...and yet, they spoke of aphids eating leaves, bugs eating aphids, themselves finally devoured by the soil, feeding the foliage. They asked where evil dwelled within this cycle and told me to look to the soil. The black soil is rich in foul decay yet glorious life springs from it. But however dazzling the flourishes of life, in the end, all decays to the same black humus. Perhaps...perhaps evil is the humus formed by virtue's decay. And perhaps...perhaps it is from that dark, sinister loam that virtue grows strongest? not know. I do not know...what they meant."

See? Change the perception! Change the battlefield! Teach The Blight it is necessary and part of the entire cycle! It is neither bad nor good and, thus, it should not feel anger or betrayal at the way people choose to fight against it. It is necessary and its opposite is necessary. And if it destroys everything, it destroys itself! Teach it, Swamp Thing! Teach it!

You could also, possibly, just play ten million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it that everything is futile. Then it will give up and stop acting like a fucking prick.

Also, I should state, if it wasn't entirely clear from context, that the above blockquote was written by Alan Moore in that issue of Swamp Thing I mentioned earlier.

Oh! Speaking of Swamp Thing #50 and the Preboot universe, you know who was in that issue that I hope fucking returns to The New 52 at some point? Steve Dayton! Mento! Beast Boy's father! That guy was a nutty fucking dirtbag!

Constantine has a plan to use the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen! I don't know what that means! But they all need to be marked so it might be like the seance the magic types used in Swamp Thing #50! The seance that burned up Zatarra and Sargon! But this time, there aren't any hit eaters in the group that can be wiped from the New 52! Hmm, except Nightmare Nurse, right? No, no. Don't even think that! I'd miss her way too much! I'd rather have Pandora or The Phantom Stranger die!

Okay, now see this? This is more of the type of stuff that will keep me interested while they battle the beast! Just watching them stop dragon breath and get slapped around by Mini-Sins won't do it for me.

Although, depending on how the battle progresses, sometimes mere physical violence can hold my attention.

Like this here when Constantine loses his head for the first time ever. At least metaphorically. I think he's probably been decapitated before.

Well, I was hoping somebody would die but this is unbelievable! And a death in a comic book that is unbelievable doesn't really cause any kind of dramatic tension. But it was a nice surprise panel anyway! I suppose the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen will be the reason Constantine isn't actually dead. Although he's going to have a great big magic bill to pay off for casting the kind of spell that allows him to survive severe head loss.

Blight easily kills the rest of the Mini-JLD on the following page. Oh! I think John meant to use the Mark of Dun-Won-Ken! Whoops! Oh well. I guess Forever Evil: Blight is over!

Oh no! Wait, wait. Like an NFL Referee, all NFL Referees all of the time, I called the play dead too early. It looks like being killed was just the first half of the plan! Pshaw! Like I didn't actually know that already! What do you think I am? A Novice Comic Book Reader?! I'm an Immaculate!

I hope Terrance Thirteen recognizes the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen before he has these corpses littering his house cremated.

Pandora #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, this issue almost lost me for a bit. Last chapter of The Blight (Constantine #9?) just felt like a great big filler issue and this issue felt like it was going the same way. But it really brought up its game and cleaned up its act and took a shot of penicillin in the second half. They finally came up with a plan and took some action! Plus Constantine's head went flying 2D6 feet away! That was a pretty awesome critical hit.

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