The Flash #25

I hope this story is about Barry's first speed pun.

Six years ago The Goddamned Batman emerged during the greatest catastrophe Gotham had ever endured up until that point. The citizens were all like, "Holy cow! That was intense! I'm glad life in Gotham can't get any worse than this!" And then in a few months, the citizens were all, "Shit shit shit shit! Holy fucking Moses! Remember the good old days when all we had to worry about was flooding and high winds and knock knock jokes?! Get me out of this fucking city!" Barry Allen decided to visit Gotham amidst this backdrop of the good old days when people weren't constantly poisoned by laughing gas or dying from fear or brainwashed by hats or eaten by ravenous batwomen or smashed by Hydras or turned to stone by Medusa or lost their children to Mexican urban myths or had bat symbols burned into their bodies or any other dozens of horrible things that have happened since the good old days when all they had to worry about was being stumped by a riddle.

The story begins by calling itself "Starting Line" because The Flash is known for running and a starting line is a line where runners start running! So even though he hasn't had his chemical lightning spa treatment yet, Barry's life is still full of punning on running. Barry is even running on the first page ahead of a Gotham patrol car as Barry gives chase to a drug addict.

With all the problems happening in Gotham right now, why is Barry chasing a drug addict? Apparently, on top of everything else, a new drug called "Icarus" has hit the streets and Barry needs to stop the problem before it runs amok.

Really? Mythology references are high-brow? Well la dee da! Who knew ten year old me was such a highfalutin fancy boy!

Maybe Barry is just making a tasteless joke about the way Icarus died by calling the street drug's name "high-brow."

Man. Now I want to try some Icarus. I bet coming down off of that shit is the worst!

As Barry chases the addict, he mentions that Harvey Bullock and Bullock's partner, Spencer the Probably Dirty Cop, don't have the same sense of urgency as Barry. That counts as a speed reference, right? I bet this Zero Year issue scores really high on my Speed Force Point System! That's where the issue gets a Speed Force Point for every reference to running or speed. By page three, The Flash's Zero Year story has...dammit! I just had the number and began typing the sentence and forgot. I'm going to say it was five points!

Oh yeah. Coming down off this junk fucking sucks. I think this also earns a Speed Force Point because he went up in a flash!

Iris West just happens to be off panel with a fire extinguisher and she steps in to put out the combusting addict. She works as an intern for the Gotham Gazette. Looks like she's one of the smartest people in Gotham because she winds up moving out of that hellhole. Before Barry and Iris can realize that they should be fucking, Harvey pulls Barry away to continue with the Icarus investigation.

As the cops take the corpse to do some forensic analysis on it, Barry tells Harvey how the drug increased the perp's reflexes. Harvey is then able to quip, "Maybe you're just slow." Ha ha! That's funny because he's soon going to be the fastest man alive! Hoo boy! I can't get enough of these allusions to Barry's future career! Keep 'em coming, The Flash Creative Team!

Okay, okay! I get it! You can do this all day!

I bet Patty gets real sick of Barry's puns. It's probably going to be the reason they eventually break up. That or because Dan DiDio decides he doesn't like how cozy they're getting.

Barry: "Hey Patty! I'm going to run to the store really quick."
Patty: "Oh, could you pick up a case of deodorant for yourself?"
Barry: "Want me to smell good for a quickie when I get back? Can't stop yourself around me and my fast hands, can you?"
Patty: "Get off m...did we just have sex?"
Barry: "Of course not! I know you like to take it slow, babe. Although, you kind of chose the wrong guy for that. Bit of a rash decision on your part, enh?"
Patty: "Speaking of rashes...could you get something for the friction burns on my ass?"

Um, and then there are more speed puns and Patty gets tired of them and they break up! What? I don't have all day to write comic book scripts!

Harvey and Barry head over to investigate the free clinic where Iris West was researching the use of Icarus. They do this because the building is about to explode and Harvey needs to make more references about Barry trying to be a hero and running into burning buildings and pointing out how fast Barry is and how great his buns would look in a spandex suit. Maybe some of those thoughts were my own.

Barry decides to investigate the explosion to try to put a stop to Gotham's drug problem while Harvey says, "Fuck it, that's too much work. I'm going to head over to a different Zero Year comic book." Iris West sets up a makeshift lab for Barry to work in and the two of them begin a professional relationship that will last for many, many years! Or at least until DC decides to go back to the old universe and then their relationship will be different somehow. But not very.

Barry and Iris wind up snorting a whole bunch of Icarus and fucking like monkeys. While they're banging each other, Barry has a flash of insight into where the drugs were probably cut and packaged: a cold place! Like with ice and stuff! And since Iris has cold beer because she knows a fish guy that can get her ice, Barry decides he suddenly knows where the drugs were packaged! It's easy to know your gut instincts are correct when you're in a comic book because their aren't enough pages for you to follow dead end leads.

I didn't actually guess that Spencer was a dirty cop earlier when I called him "Spencer the Dirty Cop." Originally, I had just typed "Harvey's Partner." But then when I decided to scan this page in, I realized I needed to make sure his name was mentioned so I wouldn't have to explain who this was. And as I typed his name, I added "the probably dirty cop" because isn't that the Gotham way and it made me giggle. But then after adding that so that I wouldn't have to explain who he was, I realized I needed to add all of this to explain how I already knew he was dirty when I added the "dirty cop" thing because I believe in transparency and I don't want people believing I guessed something that I didn't even consider while reading. Most internet denizens thrive on being able to look up facts and pretend they already knew them, thus presenting a false version of themselves. I like to let people know when Lord Google held my hand through something. Although I don't mention how often I check the spelling or the precise meaning of a word to make sure I'm actually saying exactly what I want to get across. Sometimes, even knowing the meaning of the word, you just need to make sure you've got the subtlety and precision just right for the sentence you're constructing. Although most of the time my sentences are more like a flailing child running amok in a candy store.

Harvey Bullock has arrived to back up Allen but he's a bit too late because Spencer shoves a bunch of Icarus up Barry's nose and now Barry thinks he's the Goddamned Batman. Barry punches up Spencer a bit but soon finds himself about to explode. Spencer goes to shoot Barry because he's the kind of cop that believes in ultra-violence but Harvey shoots Spencer before he can pull the trigger. Iris floods Barry with cold air from the cooling unit and everybody but Spencer lives happily ever after.

This bit from Harvey gave me feelings. Am I gay?

Then it's time for Barry to head back to Central City! But first he needs to be manhandled by Iris!

I think Iris West is really The Penguin!

The Flash #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even when The Flash doesn't have any powers and it's just a stupid CSI comic book about dumb cops without any super powers, this comic book is entertaining! Probably because Barry Allen's character has been well defined by Manapul and Buccellato. If only Tim Drake were being written this well! Not that I care about Tim Drake. But some people care about Tim Drake for some reason. Probably because those people are younger than I am. My favorite Robin was Alfred Pennyworth's pet Gerbil from Amazing Wonder Time Adventures #53.