Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Pandora #5

Is the Pandora logo an emoticon of her body where the "O" is her vagina? The "P" is her windswept hair and face. The "A" are her breasts held tightly in her buttoned coat. The "N" is the bunched fabric on her midsection (or abs!). The "D" is her belly leading into her waist formed by the constricting lines. The "O" is her pelvis. And the "R" and "A" are her legs and cape and gun holster and stuff.

I am currently snacking on Fresh Gourmet (Registered Trademark) Crispy Jalapenos (Lightly Salted). Thankfully, if I want more than just these Crispy Jalapenos, they've provided me with some recipe suggestions on the back. "Taco Salad with Crispy Jalapenos." "Mashed Potatoes with Crispy Jalapenos." "Cheeseburger with Crispy Jalapenos." "Macaroni and Cheese with Crispy Jalapenos." Wow! I can make all of those meals using Crispy Jalapenos?! But what if I don't feel like any of those? How can I incorporate Crispy Jalapenos into other meals without a recipe? No worries! There are more recipe ideas at www.freshgourmet.com!

You know what, Fresh Gourmet? I think I've cracked your little pattern! I suspect you haven't created any of these recipes at all! You've just thought up a meal and added "with Crispy Jalapenos" at the end! That's quite the opposite of clever! Whenever I think Gourmet, I always think a previously complete recipe with some random ingredient out of a sealed plastic bag sprinkled over the top. Mmm! Delicious! I'm going to send them an email suggestion for my recipe of Crispy Jalapenos with Meatloaf. Why not make the Crispy Jalapenos the star of the dish?

Last issue, Pandora hunted down The Outsider because she needs some information. Or perhaps, like this cover states, she just needs to kill him.

Pandora asks him how to reopen the portal back to Earth 3 and The Outsider decides to answer the question by telling Pandora that she's not asking the right question.

She's not interested in the history of the box, you dick. She just needs to know how to get your ass back into it. So stop waxing philosophic and answer the Got-Damn Question!

Philosophy literally means "wasted knowledge" in Greek. Because "sofia" means wisdom and "Philo" was the name of the head of the first Greek Fraternity who could drink all the other frat brothers under the sundial. Also, he invented the term "fraternity" which was later incorporated into Latin by those thieving Romans.

The Outsider relates the history of the Seven Sins to Pandora because somebody has to know something so that the reader can learn everything. The Seven Sins don't cause sin at all. They just masturbate to it. Our actions are their pornography. The Outsider then points out what anybody paying attention to the Trinity of Sin has already been screaming about from the beginning: Pandora did nothing wrong. Just like The Phantom Stranger did nothing wrong except play an integral part in Jesus's plan. So I'm guessing The Question didn't do any shit to warrant his punishment either. The Council of Wizards was just a bunch of privileged douchebags expecting everybody in the world to know their rules and play by their rules and accept being punished when they broke a rule they'd never been told not to break. That whole Council can eat a tasty bag of deep fried donkey dick.

That's just the kind of stupid shit Philo Sophocles would come up with while lying in a puddle of vomit.

Phil Sophocles: "In my world, dicks are vaginas and vaginas are dicks! In my world, mouths are assholes and assholes are mouths! In my world, your world is my world and my world is your world! OH MY GOD! Everything is the same and nothing is everything!"
Aggie Gnostic: "You're not making any sense, Phil. Are you? I think you aren't. Well, you might be. Meh, whatever."

Pandora decides The Outsider might not be lying about one thing he said: The Crime Syndicate can kill immortals. So she tries to teleport back to Marcus where he's got an idea on how to fix the Box. But she gets caught up in the transporter beam, becoming pure knowledge. Well, slightly impure knowledge seeing as how she still has her guns and she begins shooting them at the knowledge tentacles that are trying to find an uncovered orifice.

"When a society decides that sexual imagery and intimate knowledge of the pleasurable arts should be repressed, that society will find stranger, creepier, more octopus-like outlets to represent sexual expression." -- Philo Sophocles, 663 BCE. Sometimes Philo said things that may have made sense although in this particular instance, he was only defending his habit of shoving calamari into his rectum.

Pandora finds herself transported back to where it began before she tries to kill herself with a rock but she has herself outgunned with pistols. Then she appears back at The Rock of Eternity with her fellow Trinity members. But this time, the Council of Wizards is composed of John Constantine, Fake Swamp Thing, and The Nightmare Nurse. So the Trinity will probably get a better trial this time.

Pandora #5 Rating: No change. Pandora didn't really get much done, did she? I suppose she got some advice from the people in her past as she time traveled but that won't get her far. "Immortals are overconfident." "Every person has a part to play." "There are two kinds of people: strays and losts." It all just sounds like Philo Sophocles, drunk again and fucking the house mascot. The house mascot was a huge marble tablet of wisdom which Philo chiseled a hole in. Which might be why some people think "philosophy" actually means "love of wisdom." Whatever. I'm sure a visit to Snopes will set those assholes straight.

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