Sunday, December 8, 2013

Red Lanterns #25

Really? Hal is giving The Red Lanterns Sector 2814 to patrol? What a dick.

The issue begins with Itro the Megamonster destroying Downtown Goswam on Shoum. Itro has become a Red Lantern because every other member of Itro's species was killed by the people of Shoum. The people of Shoum insist they had to do it to save themselves because Itro's megamonster people were using up all the resources and they were too large to fit in any of the buildings where the Global Summits were held. But the Narration boxes giving the two halves of the story are trying to clue me in that the real problem isn't as black and white as either side might think. That's too bad for them because now the problem resides in that bloody, violent red area in-between.

Back on Ysmault, Guy Gardner confirms that Hal Jordan doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself and how much glory he can obtain.

I have a feeling Hal is actually going to have a problem with this. They never did actually discuss which Sector the Reds would get.

Guy gives Rankorr a quick tutorial about Space Sectors and the Guardians and how the Green Lanterns can't screw with Earth now. Somebody had better tell Simon Baz about this deal before the Reds find out about him. Guy points out how one third of the Red Lanterns are from Earth which means all the other Red Lanterns must be dead. It's just Guy, Rankorr, Bleez, Skallox, Ratchet, and Zilius Zox. Rankorr points out that there used to be another member from Earth: Dex-Starr. Skallox points out that Gardner had better hope Dex-Starr never comes back because that cat is going to be super pissed.

Guy, Guy, Guy. Cats are the best pukers in the universe. And now you've made enemies with one that pukes lava.

Meanwhile out in Sector 1107, Dex-Starr and Atrocitus are hunting for one of the Red Rings that Atrocitus sent out to find new recruits. It looks like they've found the one that chose Itro. Now they just have to wrest it from his humongous fingers.

The Red Lanterns decide that they need to make a big debut to get everybody's attention in Sector 2814. So they decide to take out an evil dictator named Gensui on the planet Kormorax. Even if they manage to defeat this guy, I don't know how that makes a big splash on all the other civilized planets. If they're all as narcissistic as Earth, they'll never even notice! I mean, not that it's Earth's fault that they wouldn't notice. Even if Earthlings weren't completely up their own asses, they still don't have the kind of technology capable of letting them know what the Red Lanterns are up to many light years away. I think eventually they're just going to have to go with a heavy leaflet campaign.

To invade this planet, the Red Lanterns decide to try subterfuge and trickery as opposed to violence and more violence. Rankorr creates an illusion to look like the pirate that used to fly the Red Lanterns' new home because the pirate is good friends with Gensui. The main part of the plan is to kidnap Gensui and then tell Gensui to surrender. The next part of the plan is I don't fucking know. Maybe take him on tour so he can tell everybody how the Red Lanterns defeated him and how they'll defeat you too if you don't behave?

But eventually they realize that Gensui has just been fucking with them because the Pirate Barg (who was last seen thrown into space by Guy Gardner) has been on Kormorax this whole time. So it looks like the trap backfired! Next time, just go with the spraying hot lava vomit on everything.

Red Lanterns #25 Rating: No change. What the fuck do the Red Lanterns think they're doing? Playing Role-playing games? I think Guy is trying to turn them into some kind of Justice League and probably thought this was the kind of plan Batman would come up with, disguising himself as Matches Malone to break some mob woman out of Blackgate Prison or something. But now they're in the middle of a huge army with just the five of them to defend themselves. Luckily Zilius Zox remained on the ship. Or maybe unluckily! He might have been the first one killed! Also, I should remind my future self that Ratchet's ring was trying to slip off of his tentacle this issue but Ratchet pleaded with it not to go yet. Is Ratchet getting soft?!

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