Batman Loves Superman #6

Mongul's biceps are bigger than his waist. And his head is smaller than his cock.

Last issue, Mongul decided to surprise everybody on Earth with a free video game system that tests their skills so that he can build an army out of video game geeks. His plan might work as long as he is able to keep all of his soldiers anonymous or else they'll lose their self-confidence and their balls of steel. "Balls of steel" is a genderless descriptor of the false bravado of members of the online community. I don't think the "balls" refers to testicles but to burning balls of rage that make up their entire being. I remember playing Halo years ago when it wasn't as easy to mute everybody and we just sort of took it for granted that we had to hear the other team. But you can only hear people screaming "faggot" and "nigger" so many times before you're looking for the button that tells you the phone number of your opponent's mom so you can tell her what kind of a shitbag her progeny has turned out to be. My friends and I used to speak in high pitched voices and treat everybody really super friendly while playing Halo. I don't think Mongul would have chosen us for his army.

Anyway, Batman tried to ruin Mongul's plan and wound up getting shot in the chest with a plasma rifle. Superman, who can hear everything in the world, did not rush to save him. And, I think, that's where this issue begins!

Oh God I hope it's not sideways this month.

Oh fuck me. Well, this will be the only time I leave the pictures sideways. Apparently I understand better than DC when a gimmick has run its fucking course.

Batman currently has a huge, gaping hole in his chest, so he's dead. Or, here's another theory, it's not Batman! I bet when Hiro gave Batman the cheat code to defeat Nightwing, he also managed to log him out of the game somehow, replacing himself with a virtual pre-programmed Batman. But since the game plays over reality, I don't know how Batman could have logged out. Maybe he just pulled that trick where Commissioner Gordon turns around and Batman goes home.

Superman arrives and notices the CTO's skeleton is made out of crystal. He notices Hiro trying not to die. And he sees Batman, calling him "a fool beyond saving." Well, that's not the kind of thing Superman would normally say if one of his buddies died! So he must realize it's just a simulation. Or, like I said last commentary, Superman is a giant dickhole.

Oh Superman. You saw the female's crystal skeleton. Why couldn't you have seen that dead Batman was a fake?

But apparently Batman isn't a fake because a cloud of nano-particles reform his body and bring him back to life so that he can Narration Box again and speak to Superman in a mechanical voice. But he doesn't have lungs or a heartbeat so, you know, that kind of sucks. Batman is also somewhat under the control of Jimmy Olsen and the other Beta Testers. They're still too stupid and filled with Asteroid Bloodrage to listen to Toymaker about how this isn't part of the game. They just keep playing and figure the next level should be Batman Versus Superman.

Except the fight doesn't last very long when Batman realizes Jimmy Olsen is trying to control him and Superman begins chastising Jimmy.

I liked this story last issue when I thought it was going to be a silly little light-hearted romp. But now Batman has died and one of the most powerful aliens in the universe is fucking with Earth. When it becomes serious like this, the stupid stuff I was looking past before now stands out in stark contrast to the heavy tone and makes me hate this story. Batman is dead? He really died here? And now he's Robot Batman linked to a video game console and controlled by Jimmy Olsen? Bah. Fuck that bullshit. You can't fucking kill Batman even if it's just a short lived death! Greg Pak is breaking DC's biggest rule! Batman doesn't die! And he was dead for a bit until the nano-particles brought him back. I suppose the main rule at DC is "Batman doesn't lose." I guess, technically, you can kill him all you want as long as he still fights through it and overcomes. Perhaps sideways comic books take place on a different Earth!

Also, you can apparently turn him into a laser eyed robot.

Agnes launches the Alpha of the Toymaker's MMO and all the raging gamers log on to try their hand at controlling Batman. But they're only super violent because of the Golden Fury Spores that Mongul dropped all over Earth. So this isn't a commentary on video games making people violent. It's a commentary on drug use!

I guess Toymaker sponsored this gaming system via Kickstarter which is why so many thousands of people have the gear necessary to play the game. All the backers probably got free Virtual Reality Kits months ago. And now they're all being asked to kill Superman because of all those stupid reasons that Lobdell has been trying to use to make Superman look bad in the eyes of humanity. He's so strong that he's dangerous. He's not actually helping; he's just a lure for trouble and violence. He's going to sleep with all of our human women. You know. The usual arguments!

So Batman begins pummeling Superman and he likes it. And I'm sure it's not just the Golden Fury Spores causing his violent glee. It's just that, you see, Batman is also a gigantic dickhole.

The issue ends with Batman and Superman fighting and Mongul looking on proudly, just waiting for the proper moment to enslave the human race.

Batman Loves Superman #6 Rating: -4 Ranking. Mongul's entire plan is to harness the violence inherent in humans. Why is he wasting his time? There are so many more species in the universe that are probably more bad-ass fighters than humans with their tissue paper thin skin and their penchant for bleeding out and losing consciousness in just a few minutes. And what about our empathy? Fuck, hasn't Mongul been listening to the Green Lanterns that he's always fighting? Earthlings are special creatures with a capacity for love and hope and kindness like no other creatures in the Omniverse! So why try to increase their minimal amounts of violent behavior for his own uses? Mongul is an idiot. Go enslave Jruk the New Green Lantern Recruit's homeworld! Now those guys are major bloodthirsty madmen!