Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Swamp Thing #22

Swamp Thing is acting less dramatic than me when around smokers.

The worst thing about smokers is when they light up a cigarette while walking down the sidewalk. You do realize I don't want to choke on that shit while walking behind you, right? Fucking have some respect for your fellow Earthlings, Lung Monkey! Mostly I don't give a shit, especially since smokers have been marginalized and I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's disgusting and nobody should do it in public! Especially since I can't masturbate in public. If I can't enjoy my vice in public, you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy yours! Even if masturbation would be allowed in public, I'd have the common decency not to do it while walking in front of someone and spraying them in the face as the wind catches my seed like wiper fluid flying back over onto the car behind.

Hey! This comic book has a Teen Plus Rating! That means the commentary has to be Teen Plus enough to attract the cool kids! And cool kids love masturbation stories!

Hmm. Who else can I piss off by saying I hate a group they fit into? How about Mexicans?! Man, I can't stand how they live in Mexico and speak Spanish. It's so annoying when I go to a Mexican restaurant and half my dinner plate is covered in rice and beans! It's like, what do they expect? To actually fill me up by paying a reasonable amount while listening to jaunty music? And what's with the salsa and jalapenos? Stop serving me such delicious stuff, you generally shorter than the average American fuckers! Could you at least stop deep frying your tortilla chips? Because you're making me fatter than I find comfortable!

But just when I'm stuffed and slightly drunk on margaritas and fuming and ready to let loose with a slew of racial epithets, I'm served fried ice cream. Holy fuck! How do you do that?! What kind of Central American Magic did you bring with you to this country?! Oh, you know I can't stay filled with false hatred for you!

Wow, that was awful of me. I just reduced a whole culture to the Americanized version of their restaurants. Go ahead. The "Unfollow" button is right up there in the corner. I deserve it. There are just some things you shouldn't be flippant about. And Mexican food is one of them.

So, who's left that wants to hear about Swamp Thing? Hands?

Hey now. You watch it in public, Mister.

This Seeder guy is causing trouble in Scotland by making the land work for the people. But Swamp Thing knows that's not the way it works. You can't force the Earth to do your bidding. You have to talk sweetly to it and stroke it and caress it and fertilize it and hope that it wants to produce some delicious, edible offspring with you. You can't just shove the same seeds in the same holes year after year and expect the land to keep performing. You'll end up ruining the soil so that nothing will grow and you'll have to move to California. But The Seeder plants a magic seed which pulls The Green's resources from where it's needed across the globe to places that The Green has abandoned for its own reasons.

The Seeder also uses magic shortcuts because the seed he plants grows a whisky tree and I'm almost certain that Whisky Trees went extinct ages ago.

One famous monster? Is he talking about Grant Morrison?

The Scots are thoroughly enjoying their free whisky. I know what you're doing, comic book. You're trying to get me to indulge in more racial stereotyping, aren't you? Well, I'm not going to do it! I already feel like I went too far earlier even though I was just being silly. But we know how people are, Comic Book. They've got their "serious eyes" on at all times, watching and waiting to see if somebody acts insensitive so they can point out what a bastard that person is and how intelligently sensitive they are for noticing. So if you think I'm going to make a joke that might point out that a certain group of people are alleged to enjoy the occasional fermented beverage, you've got another think coming! How about we just change the subject and take a look at Swamp Thing's plan to infiltrate the drunken festivities.

It's like having Jesus enter you in front of the whole congregation!

Now I want a Whisky Tree. I ate a plum yesterday. I grew up with a plum tree in the backyard. I would eat them right off the tree and then rinse myself off with the hose. But that was nothing compared to my neighbor's Loquat Tree. Oh man do I miss Loquats. I would climb his tree and stuff my face with Loquats. And I'd save the pits which were smooth and shaped like Milk Duds. I forget what I did with the pits. I probably gave them all names and played with them. Those are the kinds of things you have to do when the best gaming console on the market was the Atari 2600! It practically forced you to go outside and invent your own stupid games!

But this is why I really want a Whisky Tree!

Inhibitions? What are those?

And then John Constantine arrives to call The Swamp Thing a Christmas Tree. It's not entirely inaccurate. And the pine cones Swamp Thing picked up kind of resemble ornaments. But before they can have a rational discussion about what's happening, The Swamp Thing attacks Constantine. But that's because The Seeder is fucking with him and feeding him paranoid delusions with his magical Fuck The Green Power.

While John and Swamp Thing discuss how to deal with the tree, the revelers go from merry to maudlin to murderous. I think the Whisky might have gone bad. Can whisky go bad? I know it's already gone bad which is why it's good. But what about whisky plucked from a tree like a fruit? Can that ferment and become Super Whisky?

I should comment on the bloody spectacle happening at the revelry because I love The Swamp Thing for being a horror comic book and I don't want to simply pass up the horrific moments with a few offhand remarks. The conflict takes a typical drunken conflict where somebody might get a tooth knocked out and immediately escalates it into a skull crushing, boot stomping gore fest. And all the other sots watch with glee as a man is murdered. It's mostly disturbing in how quickly the conflict turns from a bunch of guys laughing it off to a bunch of maniacs full of bloodlust.

Suddenly I don't want a Whisky Tree. I don't even want a Loquat Tree anymore.

Constantine tries to convince Swamp Thing to leave the people be but when Swamp Thing refuses, Constantine reveals that he's already under the influence. He works his hoodoo and cuts Swamp Thing off from the Green so that the big green guy can't destroy the Whisky Tree. And he's lost quite a bit of his power. John orders the rest of the town to destroy The Swamp Thing and they get to trimming the tree.

Swamp Thing #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. Charles Soule has a bit of a carefree take on The Swamp Thing which I really like and find refreshing. And I can't get enough of the plants treating him like a rock star. Well, I suppose eventually I'll get enough of that. But I like it so far! And Constantine turning into an actual threat that Swamp Thing is going to have to deal with is a nice touch. I thought maybe this would be a short story with The Swamp Thing defeating The Seeder at the end but it looks like The Seeder is going to be Swamp Thing's Arch-nemesis for the long haul. He'll defeat Constantine and then probably have to head back to deal with Cappucino before heading off on another quest to stop The Seeder.


  1. Shit. Just based off this, I may have to start buying this series....or just read your funny reviews for free as usual;)

    1. I'm think Charles Soule's take on Swamp Thing is going to be one of those historically redefining character moments! Of course I'm saying this still groggy from my nap. I was sad I wasn't enjoying Swamp Thing under Snyder as much as I thought I should have been. But now I'm not sad because I'm enjoying it more!