Threshold #7

Yay! A new character this issue: Goon the Offensive!

Now I'm sad that I'm going to be reading a comic book called Threshold and not a comic book called Goon the Offensive. And now I'm mad at comic book companies in general for no longer allowing comic books to be about comic books. Comic Books are really just the bottom of the heap of the super hero intellectual property. It's all about movies and television and merchandising and the comic book must play the support role for those greater money making opportunities. Which means comic books become watered down, vanilla stories that won't take chances for fear of ruining the image of the characters. Although the comic books are exactly the place that companies should be taking risks and telling controversial and insane and crazy and psychedelic stories that stride boldly across the boundaries of the status quo.

Maybe those kinds of stories would just suck coming from a corporate entity anyway. Those things I just mentioned do exist in comic books, just not in DC or Marvel comic books. Although I haven't been paying attention to Marvel's "reboot" so I can't exactly say what's going on there right now. Anyway, thinking about a title called Goon the Offensive made me realize to what extent DC's comic book stories are truly limited.

The Hunted begins with Caul bemoaning his life as a Green Lantern. Nearby, Captain K'rot acts sympathetic. Not. You know what needs to come back? People appending "not" to the end of sentences! Not! Man, that's annoying! It confuses me that people continue to use it! In the 21st Century! I thought after the millennium, we would all agree to retire a few dozen things from humankind's cultural baggage. I figured high-fiving anybody older than two would be right out by now. I was also hoping that watching sports would have fully entered its ironic phase which would spell the end of it altogether in a few years. Except that's wrong too, isn't it? Because the actual cycle is people love something, then people hate on people loving that thing, then people begin to love that thing ironically, and then they all slip right back into actually loving that thing. And so we beat on, boats against the current, blah blah blah. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were here right now, I'd high-five him! Not!

God I hate myself.

Instead of words, here is a picture of a drunk, anthropomorphic space rabbit with a cybernetic leg.

Speaking of words, Threshold #7 is full of them! Jediah Caul continues his belly aching inside Narration Boxes after he charges his ring and grows back to normal size. He never wanted to be a hero and all that shit. So don't be a hero, Jediah! Be your own man! Don't feel shackled to the ring and the uniform just because it picked you! Fuck the Green Lantern image. It's not like they're currently respected anywhere in the galaxy right now anyway. I think most of the universe's population expect you to act like a selfish asshole at this point.

There you go! Good man!

Caul ends up thinking better of it and rescues the Collected Neighborhood to return it to Lady Styx. Fucking chump.

Back on Tolerance, The Hunted are living in fear, running for their lives, and fighting Hunt Clubs to the death!

Not?

According to the previous scene, the television show Cheers was an accurate portrayal of a life and death struggle of human prey being hunted by legalized murder clubs. I suppose Cheers is a microcosm of the cast of every single story every told when you gather them into a bar to relax away from whatever their true story is. Now that this revelation has suddenly descended upon me (although, really, how much of a revelation is it? The gathering of people in a non-space to tell stories is possibly the first story!), I wish Cheers had never had any episodes outside of the confines of the bar. Now I'm disappointed that they occasionally told stories in the character's apartments and other places.

Stealth realizes that T'morra may have had a good idea with the televising the underdogs and getting the audience to love them better than money. She returns to join the Rebellion. Perhaps seeing Ember shot in the head also convinced her. Although as she walks into the bar, she does a double take at Ember's double. And Ember decides to tell Stealth her story!

Oh wait. That's it? That was worse than an episode of Cheers! ... wait for it ... Not!

Oh! I forgot about "wait for it"! That's pretty annoying too!

Caul gets a personal call from Lady Styx assuring him he's free to come back to Tolerance with her bit of city. Although I think she may be using "free" loosely since she's pretty much telling him he has to bring the city to her personally. So it's that kind of freedom. Like when the cops tell you you're free to come with them to the station. Or the government tells you you're free to pay taxes. Or your sexual partner tells you you're free to fuck whomever you want to fuck.

How cute! Despero's little brother is a news anchor in the Tenebrian Dominion!

For the whoever is keeping records, I should make this statement: Ember has to be one of the best characters to come out of Threshold. Okay, now everything else is off the record! I'll deny ever saying any of it! Especially that bit that Jelyde1 tricked me into saying about the Suicide Squad needing to swallow Resurrection Man's semen if they want to survive contact with the Samsara Project!

Those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about don't read enough Disqus Comments!

Caul places the district back where it belongs although it doesn't quite fit the same way that it used to. He has no way to return it to its normal size but that point is moot anyway when Lady Styx transports him to meet up with her. That's just speculation on my part when he disappears. And although I'm no Batman, I'd like to believe I can follow a fucking comic book story without anybody holding my hand. Although it would be nice to have somebody holding my hand while I read it. Or my cock.

Jesus Christ! No wonder Google Ads denied doing business with my Blog! It's filled with smut! And blasphemy!

Meanwhile (wow! I think this is my first 'meanwhile' segue so far today!), Lonar and Blue Beetle are looking to get into the teeny tiny Tolerance District. I'm pretty sure it's because Lonar needs to get his space motorcycle, Thunderer, out of Adonis's Storage Cube. Lonar drops the disguise on Blue Beetle so that Lonar can sneak into the tiny district while the crowd attempt to murder the fuck out of Blue Beetle. His only seeming defense is to take up the Bottled City and use it as a hostage.

Inside the Tiny Town, Lonar BOOOM tubes in and kills Adonis for the Storage Sphere (yeah, yeah. I got the shape wrong earlier!). Or seems to kill Adonis. Slugs are pretty elastic when it comes to concepts like "death" and "eating ones own genitalia."

I miss Captain K'rot's kitten-raccoon hybrid female friend.

Star Hawkins continues to star in his back-up story this issue as he heads off to meet the first ever contestant of The Hunted, the woman behind The Crimson Thrust. I kind of forget why he's going to see her though. Oh! It's probably because he's on a case! He's a Private Investigator of the Stars! He's super famous.

Before I continue, let me say that Larfleeze #1 wasn't as funny as I was hoping. I sort of expected that extending Larfleeze from eight pages to twenty might make the joke wear a little thin. But I also think it was just a bit of those "not sure how to set up the comic" first issue kind of blues. Although the initial characterization of Larfleeze and his beginnings was nicely under-emphasized. We were introduced to a character that had a tragic life but now lies about the tragedy of it, even to himself. Anyway, what I was trying to say is this: Keith Giffen is fucking funny. He does funny well. This Star Hawkins short has some good laughs in it. And, as such, I think a lot of people who read Larfleeze #1 and were disappointed should really give it another shot. I have to stick with it because of this blog but I'd stick with it anyway because I trust Giffen to provide some really good laughs, even if Larfleeze #1 missed the mark somewhat. I wrote all that just to scan this next bit in because it's well funny. I think "well funny" is how they say "it made me smile a little bit" in that old Shakespearean language they continue to speak in London Town.

Not the biggest fan of not so much either. Not! Wait. How many "not"s is that? Am I saying I'm a fan or not?!

And the Legend Star Hawkins is looking for? Well, it turns out to be...wait a second. Are you sure you want to hear this? It'll completely ruin the surprise for when you go to the comic book shop and purchase a copy of this comic book which is cancelled anyway so what the fuck do I care if you continue to support it? Oh! I know why! DC might see the rise in numbers as a reason to put out a solo Ember comic book! Here, I'll give it to you in code so that if you don't want to know, accidentally seeing the name won't spoil it for you. I'll just randomize the letters in her name: Lady Styx.

You know, sometimes when you take a thing that goes in a certain order and randomize that thing, it still comes out in the normal order. That's true randomness! Besides, the two "y"s were switched around.

Threshold #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. It gets a +1 for both stories because I'm a fucking pushover for a tree girl and a nagging, disembodied robotic head. I've really been going easy on DC's comics lately! I might as well be receiving kickbacks for all the +1s I've been giving out!