Supergirl #22

No wonder Asrar isn't drawing the book anymore. He can only draw half a Supergirl per month. Lazy!

I'm not sure how people think in Tweets. As you've probably noticed, I usually need a lot more than 140 characters to get my point across. But just in case you've been wanting to follow a horrible writer that Tweets about twice a week, you should follow @GrunionGuy over there at the website where people Twat. If you do, here are some of the fabulous things you'll see me say:

My next novel: "Everything I need to know I learned in 'Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten.'"
Problem with my new werewolf novel. Takes place during the quarter moon. Werewolf is merely a surly vagrant.
I'm beginning to regret making every character in my novel a Werewolf.
Would Batman kill an evil dolphin?
"Be fat. Be extraordinarily, unhealthily fat." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech
"Never drink into a black out with a loaded gun in the room." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech
"Create something. Except babies." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech

And the most important advice you'll get from anybody, but most especially from a failed writer/super-hero:

"Don't let the internet distract you from thinking up really wise things." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech

No wonder Scott Lobdell just plagiarizes his own scripts! You can get a lot more writing done that way!

So, what was going on with Supergirl? I'm sure it wasn't as fascinating as what was going on with my Twitter account, but I should get to it anyway! She was on a fake planet made from N-10nth Metal with a crazy half-cyborg, half-Superman Superman! I didn't mean for that to sound prejudiced against half-breeds! You really shouldn't judge somebody just because their parents decided to buck cultural norms and out-dated decency laws! You should judge people on the bands they listen to and the kind of beer they drink and how many other people you've seen their t-shirt on previously.

Cyborg Superman: King of the non-answer answers!

I've mentioned before how much I don't like it but let's talk about this some more: What the fuck is going on with Supergirl's outfit?! At least Neves makes it look less like the uncomfortable diaper Asrar was apparently visualizing. But it looks like it was designed to warn predators away from Kara's hoo-haw-el. It's got a nice bit of Neutral Zone staked out to warn you before you end up in the Red Zone and things begin decloaking and trying to kill you and start an intergalactic incident. No wonder she needed to bring her Kryptonian Dildo with her to Earth.

Cyborg Superman doesn't remember anything except being Cyborg Superman. He seems to think he has memories before this although evidence would point to the fact that he only remembers from the point his power switch was flipped into the on position. To help him remember, Delacore suggests Kara use her memories to help shape the planet into Krypton. Which he, you know, said couldn't be done last issue because it would take more than Kara could provide. Or he hinted at that, anyway. Maybe I interpreted his sly winking and elbow nudges incorrectly. Kara decides to help out with some memories to see if it's possible and, more importantly, how long this whole fucking thing will take. She's spending the last of her very short remaining, Kryptonite-poisoned time to selflessly help these needy assholes.

Supergirl remembers her childhood home and BAMF! There it is! As she runs around it smelling the appliances, Delacore and Cyborg Superman conspire!

Who made Cyborg Superman? Probably H'el or Supergirl's father or Ted Kord Enterprises.

Since Supergirl isn't as good at describing things as she might have thought, Delacore has her wear a band around her head that can see her thoughts and replicate things as perfectly as she remembers them. This time, she remembers her mother and gets to have her heart broken all over again. And then Delacore becomes her father but the I'noxian programming suffers a redundancy error when Delacore notices he has the same eyes as Cyborg Superman. Of course, everybody in this comic book so far has the same color eyes! I guess since they're all family, it makes sense. Perhaps Cyborg Superman was a body created by Zor-el, Supergirl's father, to house his consciousness so that it could escape Argus before it floated into the sun. And didn't Zor-el create the Worldkillers, so he has the know how and technical expertise.

Supergirl's neighborhood of make believe quickly fills up with Jor-el and Lara and baby Kal-el and a couple of her friends and even H'el! I sense a wacky Kryptonian sitcom on the horizon!

And then Cyborg Superman fucks up and says the creepiest thing a half-robot person can say in this situation:

Nope! Done! I'm out!

Perhaps it's the deep, sustained psychological trauma I suffered as a small child watching movies like The Shining and The Sentinel, but when anybody ever says "forever," I know they're full of maliciousness and evil and maybe a little bit too needy thrown in as well. Alarm bells go off in my Neutral Zone and I change the subject to Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Supergirl reveals she's dying so maybe lay off the phrases like "forever and ever" and "in the long run" and "401(k)". A green speech balloon tells Cyborg Superman that he needs to lay off Kara and just observe her as she dies but Cyborg Superman needs what he needs and he needs it now! I still don't know what that is. Possibly a human chin.

Okay, that's the reaction I was looking for! I just got there a few pages quicker than Kara due to my long hours of learning to spot creepiness while watching Motel Hell and The Prophecy and The Hills Have Eyes (the original, you babies!)

So all Cyborg Superman wants is her flesh. No big deal. I guess I was right about his human chin though! So fuck you, Supergirl. You might have some serious problems here but did you hear that I guessed correctly?! If I were Cyborg Superman, I'd use some of that sweet, sweet ass flesh for the chin. Then everybody would always be asking, "Why are you stroking your chin so much? Is it because of your boner?"

It's at the point that Kara resists Cyborg Superman's unwanted advances that he gets a wee bit crangry. Crangry. The emotion that surfaces in the supposed nice guy when the girl he's speaking with makes it clear that she's not going to sleep with him. Crangry.

Come on, Supergirl. I know he came on a little strong but think it through. He's offering you immortality! And all you have to do is let him wear your vagina like a kerchief!

Cyborg Superman doesn't get access to Kara's body through subterfuge or manipulation or logic or force, so he tries a new tactic: pity! This guy is throwing every fucking game at the wall to see if any of it sticks! It looks like the pity card might have the desired effect though since I'm fairly certain Kara's father created this inhuman monster! He's not inhuman because he's half-robot and half-Kryptonian; he's inhuman because he's not any part human!

This whole experience on I'noxia is going to send Supergirl right back to punching people when she first meets them. She tried to be sociable and polite on this world and has received nothing but grief (if attempted rape and attempted murder and attempted cannibalization can all be categorized as "grief"). And she's finally had enough. It's fisting time, baby!

"Fisting Time" is far less sexy than it actually sounds. Or, well, fuck. Maybe it's exactly as sexy as it sounds! It's kind of like saying "Sewer Doughnuts" are far less delicious than they sound.

And then Supergirl is overwhelmed by about 43 I'noxian Supergirls. That's exactly as hot as it sounds! Kara escapes from herselves and bashes Cyborg Superman over the head with her Space Motorcycle. Then she blasts him with the Space Motorcycle's exhaust. And then she tries to make her escape from the rest of her memories.

Does Kara remember every woman she meets as having extraordinarily large breasts?

Supergirl #22 Rating: +5 Ranking! Ha ha! I fucking loved this issue. I feel bad enjoying Michael Alan Nelson's version of Supergirl more than Mike Johnson's version since I like Mike Johnson's version as well. But Nelson has really fixed the pacing problem of this comic while maintaining the strength and likability of the character.