Stormwatch #22

I hope Jim Starlin plans on allowing Lobo to be Lobo instead of simply bringing him in as a punching bag to show how powerful Stormwatch is.

I've been reading a lot about Jim Starlin lately and his approach to Stormwatch makes a lot of sense now. He's decided more than once before that a universe needed a brand new beginning. Plus, it seemed the thing to do at Marvel in the seventies was to destroy everything the previous writer set down as canon.

Here's an excerpt about Starlin's beginnings at Marvel from "Marvel Comics: The Untold Story" by Sean Howe:

"I was just as crazy as everybody else post-Watergate, post-Vietnam," said Starlin, whose hobbies included motorcycles, chess, and lysergic acid diethylamide-25. "Each one of those stories was me taking that stuff that had gone before and trying to put my personal slant on it. Mar-Vell was a warrior who decided he was going to become a god, and that's where his trip was." In the pages of Captain Marvel, existence itself might be altered several times in the course of an issue. "There is a moment of change, then reality becomes a thing of the past!" howls the evil ruler Thanos, before everything morphs into funhouse-mirror images.

See? Jim Starlin already wrote this story for Marvel back in the seventies! Except instead of Thanos changing reality, it's the Crayola Time Lords!

That's probably enough about Jim Starlin because this commentary isn't meant for learnin' things! It's for stroking my own ego.

Last issue, Jenny Soul was tricked by the Crayola Time Lords into moving their chess piece, Lobo, into the one position on the cosmic chess board that would implement the Ebony Time Line. The Ebony Time Line seems to be the one Time Line in which Stormwatch doesn't ruin the plans of the Crayola Time Lords. Of course in The Ebony Time Line, the Crayola Time Lords all have constant severe diarrhea but sacrifices have to be made if you want to rule Omnithing!

But don't worry, loyal Wildstorm fan who DC Comics despises! Stormwatch has a plan!

This plan doesn't work.

The back-up plan is the usual Stormwatch back-up plan: beat the snot out of the problem. The only problem with that plan is that Lobo's snot can become more Lobos. At least, it used to be able to. I think The New 52 realized how insanely problematic that aspect of the character was and just made Lobo really crazy and very powerful. You can tell how crazy and powerful he is because I used such descriptive intensifiers as "really" and "very."

Stormwatch comes to the conclusion that whatever the Crayola Time Lords are up to, it's probably going to involve destroying the planet they're all on. I'd tend to agree since they stated that the formation of the Ebony Time Line will destroy everybody that knows about the Crayola Time Lords. It's a perfect plan! Except for that one flaw. It's a big flaw. A tremendous flaw. The flaw is putting the success of the entire plan into Lobo's hands.

Really, Hellstrike? Goldilocks? If it wasn't for your comment last issue about how difficult it is to run a group when two of its members are gay (and one is a child and one is a corpse), I might let it slide as a jibe merely at Apollo's hair and/or uniform. Storm Control might not mind your "off-hand" comments but I wouldn't recommend saying this shit in front of Midnighter.

I just realized Apollo's hair is white so that Goldilocks crack is more probably pointed squarely at his sexual orientation. It'll be interesting to see how this team gets along with a leader like Hellstrike that doesn't seem to have any respect for any of his team!

Apollo's attempt to move Lobo was as successful as Jenny Soul's attempt. Which is to say a complete failure. When Jenny Soul failed, The Weird made sure to tell everybody in no uncertain terms that she was out of the fight. Now that Apollo is down, Midnighter checks up on him and lets everybody know that Apollo is out of the fight. Next up on the team's attack Lobo one at a time summer fun plan, Hellstrike!

"Well, we tried! Let's grab lunch!"

Before Stormwatch can flee, an energy pulse blasts out of Lobo and into the Douli-7 Intergalactic Radio Building where it begins sending out wave after wave of odd transmissions. Lobo collapses and Stormwatch decides to stick around for a bit to see what's next.

I think Stormwatch needs to come up with some slogans for their business cards.

Stormwatch! "Your Active-Pro World Savers!* *Disclaimer: 'Active-Pro' does not constitute 'proactive' behavior.'"
Stormwatch! "Universe ending? We'll watch and wait with you!"
Stormwatch! "Plan A? Is that something like Plan B?"
Stormwatch! "We'll try our best but what are we gonna do with all these Gays, Corpses and Little Girls?!"

That last card is Hellstrike's personal card he hands out.

Back to the comic book, The Forecaster (that's the sentient slug that's taken the place of The Projectionist) checks out the AP Newsfeeds and discovers that the Caimonites and the Bruticus have all been wiped out across the entire galaxy. Lobo is now responsible for the genocide of two more races! Stormwatch slinks back to their Skywatch headquarters, bringing Lobo with them. Can we say "New Member"?

Oh! I guess we can!

How many times is Lobo going to find himself drafted into bullshit super groups and/or cosmic police forces? Did Lobo ever wear a Lantern Ring in Green Lantern?

Lobo lets the Tiny Mysterious Leader know that Lobo don't fraggin' join no nothing nohows. Which Preboot History would argue against but, well, that was Preboot History and Non-Ebony Time Line History, so Lobo is just going to have to learn all over again how easy it is to draft him into the service of others. Whenever Lobo acts like a dick, his entire bloodstream lights up with electric nano-particles and he collapses in an ever-angrier heap of anger. Tiny Mysterious Leader had better watch his back because I'm fairly certain Lobo will graciously take the full brunt of his newly electrified system for however long it takes to snap Tiny Mysterious Leader's neck.

Apollo and Midnighter enjoy some nice, relaxing exposition.

I wonder if Stormwatch is ever going to crossover with The New 52 again or if editorial simply decided it can run amok in its own, new little time line for as long as it wants. It doesn't matter to me. I just want it to be entertaining. But it would be odd to be fragmenting their whole reason for a Reboot only a year and a half in by segregating characters and titles.

Meanwhile The Engineer finally gets to make another appearance. She's checking in on Stormwatch's new Shaman, Xiomar. It turns out he's useless unless his brain has been set free from the limits of our perceptions, so he's been allowed a ration of purple buds so he can stay alert and hungry and trip the fuck out. I mean, so his pain isn't so bad and to treat his glaucoma.

As The Engineer is giving Xiomar a tour, they pass by a non-on-fire Hellstrike. Xiomar recognizes him as a gun wielding bastard. I'm assuming the bastard part simply because Xiomar is from South Africa and his memory of Hellstrike is hanging out with another white guy blasting away with an automatic. It could be Hellstrike acted the hero, being that he's not firing his gun and his eyebrow is raised in surprise, and maybe he stopped the other man from killing a bunch of people. But since I don't currently like Hellstrike, I'll assume the worst!

The Crayola Time Lords appear to Jenny Soul to let her know they need to stab a few loose ends in the face. Except Jenny turns the psychic knife around and they end up the stabbees. Stormwatch is safe from nonexistence for now. But they also know they're up against an enemy that can change the fabric of reality right out from under them. If I were Stormwatch, I'd get some new business cards printed up.

Stormwatch! "Why bother?"

Stormwatch #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. I dropped Stormwatch a long way when they Rebooted simply because they were Rebooting the Reboot which seemed to be going against the rules of the Reboot! And even though I liked the characters in the previous version, I was sick of all of the in-fighting. At least this dysfunctional team is acting like a team. Also, Lobo is now a member! Yay for me and Ha Ha for all y'all Lobo Haters!