Batman Loves Superman #2

Sometimes super heroes fight each other. Sometimes super heroes fight themselves.

At times writing these commentaries, I feel like a midwife that has hung around a bit too long. My righteous anger and withering indignation was desperately needed during the formative years when DC wasn't totally sure what they were doing and Scott Lobdell was writing four different titles. But as the quality of the books steadily improves, I have less and less to be angry about and it gets harder and harder to find things to rant about. Writing commentaries on comic books I'm actually enjoying isn't much fun. For anybody!

Me!: "Scott Snyder didn't have a good handle on Swamp Thing but Charles Soule can handle my 'swamp thing' any day of the week! Except for Wednesdays because that's when Solomon Grundy gets me to himself. Isn't that how the poem goes? 'Solomon Grundy, anilingus on Wednesday'? I mean, Charles could join us if he wants because he's fucking rocking the swamp socks off Swamp Thing! So good. Did I mention it was good? Loving how good it is. Really good. It might be the best writing I've ever read when compared to Scott Lobdell. Although I think there are only two tiers of writing. Scott Lobdell's writing and everything else as the best writing when compared to Scott Lobdell."

Hmm. That actually entertained me! Maybe I can do decent commentaries about books I enjoy reading! Tinkerbell, come spray some of your twinkling pee on me because I'm ready to fucking fly!

Last issue of Batman Trying Desperately Not to Shank Superman, the two heroes had been BOOOM tubed to an alternate reality where Pa Kent was still alive and Superman and Batman were already best pals. They became best friends in this alternate reality because Jimmy Olsen was stillborn so Clark needed a best friend. And Batman's heart hadn't withered to a tiny, rock-hard little peach pit, so he had room for a friend in his life. They met at an Overeater's Anonymous meeting because they were looking for Green Lantern who had once mentioned he worked at some place called OA. They didn't realize that the Green Lantern they met was from an alternate universe as well since their alternate universe won't have a Green Lantern until they're dead and he won't have anything to do with OA. Unless that's a shorthand in personals columns for "ORAL/ANAL".

Superman was BOOOOOOM Tubed into a field in Smallville last issue. This issue begins with Batman appearing at Earth 2's Wayne Manor where he's got a nasty albeit sexy surprise in store for him. Why didn't I just use "although"? Maybe I'm being unduly influenced by Earth 2's stupidities. I'm using "stupidities" here as a judgmental term for "differences" because I have Earth Prime Pride, bitches! Fuck y'all over there on Earth 2! Subhumans!

Alfred has a night off? Earth Two is weird.

Batman, being a detective, quickly realizes he's in an alternate reality when he sees a wedding photo of Bruce and Selina after Catwoman calls him husband but mostly because of Alfred taking a night off. Who is Alfred hanging out with? He has friends on Earth Two? Is he dating somebody?

Back in Smallville, Superman might be discovering the same thing as Pa Kent approaches him. "But Pa Kent is dead...at least in my world!" That was a play on the way Batman made his realization at the end of the last scene. Who thinks like that? "This is all very strange and different so it must not be MY WORLD!" I'm going to begin pretending I'm a comic book character and react to all of my future encounters in comic book style. How long before I'm thrown in a mental ward, diagnosed with Schizophrenia and delusions of superherodom?

Although I found Batman's reaction to his Catwife strange, I find Superman's reaction to his father even stranger.

Pa Kent didn't die in hospice! He died at home! Where you took him, Clark! You can't even remember the death of your father correctly!

Superman isn't a detective so he doesn't think in terms of "alternate realities" and "not my worlds" and other stuff master detectives would quickly realize is the only improbable possibility after having ruled out all of the other possibilities. But Earth Two Batman begins to suspect he knows what's going on (because he's a detective too!) so The Trickster, Kaiyo, BOOOM Tubes him away. Perhaps she'll send him back to the Batcave so he can see his wife cheating on him with himself.

Oh, and Pa and Ma Kent weren't too thrilled by this "superman" beating the living shit out of his best friend. Pa realizes this isn't his boy at all! He's a monster from another world. Which he totally is. And then the monster from this world appears to defend his parents! Earth Prime Superman is in big trouble because he's probably still weak from the Kryptonite and if Earth Two Superman simply sees another person in Kryptonian Lingerie, he probably won't be pulling any punches.

Back at the Batcave, Batman does arrive to find Batman has his wife tied to a chair.

It's almost like a Batman on Batman sex tape.

But before he discovers the tryst, he also manages to see the incorporeal being that is behind it all. And he's deduced that these doubles might be from a different world as well. The fucking Batmen are so fucking smart. Although Earth Two Batman may have already traveled to another world in his career. He may be quite familiar with Earth Six or something. Maybe it was his traveling between Earths that piqued Darkseid's interests.

Batman's Reverse Dragon Punch (which he learned from a fifty's restaurant owner that forced him to give his dragons Brazilians) is easily countered by Batman. But since Batman (and the old Japanese man) were the only people in the world to know the Reverse Dragon Punch, Batman (and Batman!) begins suspecting some weird shenanigans. He tries out a few other moves that only he knows, like Flaccid Knobbed Bunny Kick and Kitten Fight Monkey Truck. But Batman is able to block those moves as well! It's a mystery to discover and these are the detectives to discover it! Once they realize they know all the same moves, Batman asks Batman a question only Batman can answer: At what age did we begin masturbating? And when Batman knows the answer, they call a truce.

Why doesn't anybody vote clones? Oh yeah. Because this isn't Marvel.

Back at the farm, I'm realizing I'm not a big fan of Earth Two Superman and his holier than thou folks. Not using curse words should not automatically equate to home cookin' and down to earth values. There's a certain point where social etiquette and traditional manners simply become overbearing rules for rules sake and do not express the quality of the person. Actually, Clark's folks seem okay to me in that they tsk tsk both Supermen for their behaviour. But this following panel kind of pisses me off.

"I were raised to not make use of them bad words but if'n you yell at my face, yous gonna gets it!"

I'm really trying my hardest to fill my commentary with some sort of righteous indignation but I just can't do it. I actually like this moment. Especially since, from Superman's position in that last panel, it looks like Superman may have just put his hand up to keep Superman from getting too close. And because Superman is still very weak from Batman's Kryptonite, he ends up knocked on his ass. And I don't think it's so much as using bad language as the language Superman chooses to use. Saying "hell" might be a bit of a blasphemy on the Kents' land. And then when he's about to call Superman a "son of a bitch," well, now you're attacking Ma and Ma ain't too fucking happy about that one. Especially since Superman is basically calling his own dead mother a bitch in the same sentence!

And leave it to Ma to work out the trouble between what is essentially a pair of siblings.

Now I wish my parents were dead so I could experience a hug from my mother from another world!

I don't know why it just hit me that Superman and Batman have both lost their parents to tragic events now. I've been so used to The Kents being alive for nearly all of my comic book reading that I just haven't given it much thought that Superman and Batman now have this connection, thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk. I mean Vyndktvx! Oh, they're probably the same person anyway, stupid fifth dimensional beings. I find it hard to believe that Ma and Pa Kent were even allowed to die in The Silver Age! I suppose they had to die at some point in the Superboy comic book since they were always dead in Superman's adult life. But I wasn't reading DC until Crisis on Infinite Earths, so Ma and Pa Kent were pretty much resurrected for the time I was reading.

I couldn't remember in what wacky way the Kents died in the Silver Age (I just remembered it was wacky!), so I asked Lord Google about it. When I did, I found a forum with fanboys (one in particular. Isn't that always the way? The worst are full of passionate intensity, amirite?) picking apart Morrison's portrayal of Pa Kent's death as being plagiarized from Spiderman's origin with the death of Uncle Ben. First off, those idiots need to know more history than the shallow fucking shit they can interpret with their scrawny little fish brains. If you're going to blame anybody for ripping off Spiderman (and I'm not agreeing at all that Pa's death scene is a ripoff of Spiderman! Just going with it for now!), don't blame Morrison. Blame whoever wrote the Superboy story where the Kents die of some tropical disease since Morrison basically revamped Pa's death in that for The New 52 story. Instead of making sarcastic remarks that every DC story is stolen from Marvel, actually debate the point logically and provide examples!

One of the things I liked about Pa's death in Morrison's run was how Superman actually had the option to bring his parents back to life. He had one last wish which he could have used to return everything to "the way it should have been." But he's grown and he's mourned and he has not based his life around their death and his inability to save them. It happened and he was sad and he wished he could have saved them with his powers but he can't save everyone. It's a lesson Superman needs to learn with his heart and not just know with his penis brain. He chooses to save a young boy he promised to save and couldn't within the Vyndktvx strange ass time frame. It changes less and it lets Superman keep a promise he desperately needed to keep. The difference with Spiderman is that he had the opportunity to stop the thief that killed his Uncle at a later time. He had powers and he had a moment and he shrugged it off as not his problem. That situation can fuck with your head. Peter Parker should have serious issues about guilt when he is, because of his great powers, greatly responsible for his Uncle's death. Not directly, of course! But through his general apathy, he learns a huge fucking lesson. Superman doesn't have any of that baggage about his father's death. Although they did die because Superman makes an enemy that he never actually knows about until defeating him upon first meeting him! But that gets into some really weird metaphysical time-traveling alternate dimensional weirdnesses that nobody can fault Superman for! Maybe Morrison. But not Superman!

If that last paragraph was too convoluted and confusing, blame it on Mr. Mxyzptlk. He probably changed it or something because I assure you it was coherent when I wrote it.

I think I was saying something about Batman and Superman having something in common besides a fat cock. Although Alfred has to take care of Bruce's since he grew up in the city. At least Clark has the knowledge needed to raise chickens himself.

Back to the comic book, everyone has stopped fighting. The Batmen take a tour of Gotham where Batman gets to see firsthand Gotham's cryo-prison where horrible monsters like The Joker and Aquawoman are locked up for good.

And the new Arkham Asylum with its insane roller coasters and crazy games.

Meanwhile Superman flies to Metropolis with Superman leap-frogging along beside him. I suppose Superman eventually learns to fly once he's soaked up enough solar radiation. Or maybe he needs to fix an inner ear problem. They're in the big city so that Clark can meet Clark's wife, Lois Lane. They also meet up with Wonder Woman.

Who promptly pins Lois to the ground with her spear.

That's because Lois is currently possessed by The Trickster! Darn. I thought there was going to be some drama between Clark's wife and his mistress.

Batman Loves Superman #2 Rating: +4 Ranking. This book is a top-notch comic book. I am happy.