Detective Comics #22

Is this a What If Batman Were Created in the 90s and Loved to Kill story?!

I wish Rob Liefeld would come back and do some more work for DC Comics. That guy sucks. And when I say that Rob Liefeld sucks, I'm acknowledging that he made a lot of money doing a piss poor job at drawing and creating bland character after bland character. Mostly, I suppose, because comic book fans are less than discriminating. He and Jim Lee and Todd McFarlane and Whilce Portacio obviously tapped into some kind of 90s Zeitgeist that I didn't have the processing power to comprehend. Perhaps because I wasn't reading Marvel, I didn't have the opportunity to be excited by their overly cross-hatched faces and poorly rendered anatomy. Oh, and don't think I loved the majority of the 80s comic book style! Some of that shit stank bad. In theory, I absolutely understand why their style took hold of fan's imaginations. But I looked at Youngblood #1 on the shelves and thought, "Utter garbage." So I hated Rob Liefeld before it was cool to hate Rob Liefeld! What I'm saying is that he's objectively not good at drawing. Back when he was drawing Deathstroke, I could go panel by panel pointing out how ridiculous most of it was. And I challenged Liefeld fans to do the same but pointing out what was good about his art. Nobody accepted. Sure, nobody was probably reading! But don't let that get in the way of my keen observations.

But here's the thing about Rob: his art made for great commentary! And I have nothing against him personally! I'd probably have a good time hanging out with Rob Liefeld and Scott Lobdell as long as nobody told them what I'd said about them and we didn't talk comics! I also think people focus too much on Rob's inability to draw feet. That's one part of his art I understand because he stylizes them pretty much the same way all the time. Consistency like that should be regarded as style. Even his rectangular guns are stylized. It's his inconsistency with detail, poses, perspective, and anatomy that makes him a terrible artist. Unless you want to think of every character standing like a rigid action figure as consistency!

I almost forgot why I was talking about Rob Liefeld and then I glanced back at the cover and Batman's pouches. One last thing before I read Detective Comics: I'd like to say, "Good job, Liefeld." I don't think you should worry about ever drawing or writing something that will stand the test of time. But you don't need to. You helped shake up comics and knock a lot of the corporate bastards back a few steps. Although you and your cronies who decided artists should have full writing control of their comic which drove Claremont from X-men is a good reason why I'm now reading fucking Scott Lobdell's scripts. So I take back the "good job" and replace it with a "Thanks a fucking lot!"

Batman is causing trouble again.

According to Officer Wallace, Batman just gunned down two police officers and then attacked him and his partner. Are there any sympathetic police officers in Gotham who hate Batman? Because Wallace has a point although he's being overly hyperbolic and making use of outright fabrications. Batman is a menace! Not so much as Batman but as Bruce Wayne. A one man rise in inflation, homelessness, cost of living, and STDs. I wonder if Alfred has ever tried to talk Batman into losing the Bruce Wayne persona. "But sir, I'm tired of defending you at my weekly pinochle games. 'How can you butler for that womanizing narcissist?' 'You can tell me, Alfred. Does the man beat you? Why all the bruises?' It's getting so that a butler can't get his dick dirty anymore. But if you lose the Bruce Wayne persona, I can come out of the Batcloset! I can tell everyone that I'm Batman's butler! I know I shouldn't, sir, but I do crave the respect and admiration of my peers."

Jim Gordon straightens Officer Wallace out because Jim Gordon has an average sized boner for Batman. At least that's what all the Batman hating Gotham Police Officers say behind his back. I would never say that. I would say Gordon has a healthy respect for the job that Batman performs for Gotham. Gordon believes a cop killer is loose in Gotham! Is that supposed to be a fucking surprise? The real question is how MANY cop killers are loose in Gotham.

I bet the Cop Killer is the 90s Batman on the cover! Genius here!

But the Cop Killer isn't the only person troubling Batman.

Surely they couldn't be the same person!

It seems too obvious for the Cop Killer and E.D. Caldwell to be the same person. Perhaps they're just two new adversaries for Batman and Bruce Wayne and their stories will parallel each other, Bruce handling one and Batman handling the other. And I bet Caldwell's butler is an undignified rapscallion that enjoys pulling pranks on people and that he will be Alfred's nemesis.

On third thought, maybe they are setting Caldwell up to be the Cop Killer. And Alfred does have a nemesis!

It's time for another version of What Could Batman Have Become?! This time the starring role will be played by E.D. Caldwell. I think that name is a code! If you replace each letter with the letter that comes before it in the alphabet, you get D.C. Bzkcvdkk! Hmm, maybe I got something wrong.

The mirror version of Batman has been taking people from prison and turning them into super villains with high tech weaponry. If only Batman knew somebody in Gotham that makes high tech weaponry! Besides Bruce Wayne, of course. And Bruce Wayne specializes in non-lethal technology anyway. So it's probably somebody else. He sends the newly freed villains into Gotham to exact revenge on the police that ruined their lives. Because it's not the actions of the person that make a person's life; it's the reactions of the people toward the person's actions!

A couple more police officers die but that's nothing new to Gotham. I think they have an endless supply from somewhere. Probably clone technology. Although the cops that believe in Batman, Strode and Melendez, almost die as well. But they're saved by E.D. Caldwell defensive technology! Hmm, that's suspicious! Follow the money! No, not Bruce Wayne's money! The money being made by selling cops the only technology that can save their lives from the new high tech weaponry being seen on the streets!

Sometimes I feel like nobody listens to Coast to Coast AM Radio seriously anymore. Other times, I feel like Ann Nocenti who always writes to the stupidest person in her audience.

And other times I'm writing jokes to myself! Hell, half the time I'm writing jokes to only the current version of myself that is writing the joke! Sometimes I reread my commentaries and I can't even figure out what the fuck I was talking about.

Batman catches the Cop Killer's new puppet, Scorn, but Scorn gets away when a Spaceship attacks him. But Batman is a fucking detective and he's trained to find clues!

The World's Greatest Detective at work! What a genius!

This all seems too easy! Maybe the real enemy is Bruce Wayne and he's trying to discredit his competition. And while he's at it, he's making worse neighborhoods where cops are being killed which people will want to quickly move out of, thus selling their property for below its value!

Whoever the Mirror Batman is, he may or may not be going by the name Wrath. It's possible he's going by Vengeance. Or maybe Umbrage. Could be Vexation? Perhaps Minor Annoyance! Also, he's no longer partnered up with Scorn since Scorn had that accidental accident where he accidentally fell to his accidental death.

The back-up story is once again about Man-bat and Kirk Langstrom and the mystery of the itinerant corpses. Well, they were itinerant before they were corpses and then became corpses because they had no shelter and were in Gotham and were killed by a giant bat. Or was it a Man-Bat! No, it wasn't that either. It was a Vampire Woman-bat, Kirk's wife Francine!

Detective Comics #22 Rating: No change. This Wrath guy seems to enjoy taking care of Gotham just like Batman. Maybe Batman should just let him do his thing! He's making lots of money and helping out the community and creating lots of weapons of war. Okay, maybe that last part isn't a very nice thing to do. And Gotham could probably do without the cop killing. So, hmm, maybe Batman should stop him. But the main reason I think Batman should stop him is because he's too much like a 90s Superhero and those were the worst superheroes of them all! They were even worse than Superman in the sixties!